Miscarriage support

snipzychick

Metranil_Vavin wrote: »

Hugs to all who need them.

(((((Hugs))))) to you hun, sounds like you need one too x

Lauralou

Metranil_Vavin wrote: »

Laura!! How are you doing?? havent seen you around for ages!:)

Thanks MV, im doing good thanks, sort off having a little break from TTC, which to be honest has done me the world off good, been concentrating on work etc, so sort off why i havnt been around much.

msb5262

Hello all,
I keep an eye on this thread because when people need miscarriage support, they really do need it. Hope everyone is feeling a bit better this evening; seems as if the past few days have been a bit much. It seems it's always the silly little things that really get to you but that's just how it is.
I just wanted to say, I'm another one begging everyone - PLEASE DON'T TEST EARLY! The whole early testing thing is a total minefield...and it's fantastically profitable for the manufacturers. They encourage people to test early, then whatever the result is, more testing is pretty likely.
If you get a BFN, you keep testing to see if it turns into a BFP. If you get a BFP, you keep testing to see if it's still positive.
The people selling these things have a licence to print money and unfortunately also a licence to break your heart - in the 50s, 60s and 70s women often didn't even go to the GP until they'd missed two periods. Now we know about "pregnancies" that were never destined to continue, and it hurts much more.
After I miscarried, I foreswore the pregnancy testing thing totally and relied on my instinct to know when I was pregnant. My (now ex) OH eventually insisted I did a test when I was nearly 7 weeks pregnant and I can tell you, it made the pregnancy shorter and made me feel less stressed to do it that way.
I'm not saying that this is the only thing to do but I do feel strongly that early testing contributes to huge amounts of anxiety, stress and sadness - which aren't particularly helpful if you're trying to conceive.
Best wishes to all - I think of you often
MsB x

portsmouthali

Hi all,

msb - you're SO RIGHT!!! Testing early is madness and yet it's so easy to get sucked into doing it.

Laura - lovely to hear from you xxx

Tinks, hope you're feeling better, only had a couple of panic attacks in my life but they're very scary. I developed a bit of a stammer after my first m/c, never ever had it before it was quite pronounced for the first few weeks, now only appears if I'm very upset or stressed. Strange.

Hugs to MV, Snipzy and anyone else who may be lurking xxxxx

msb5262

Looking back at this thread, I wanted to reiterate that there is no "right" length of time to grieve after a miscarriage.
Lots of women seem to feel that they are expected to snap back to normal within a day or two - this expectation really doesn't help anyone as there are physical and hormonal effects of a miscarriage which can affect your feelings hugely, as well as the obvious feelings of shock, grief and loss.
I found that it was easier just to tell people what had happened and why I was so sad and feeble, and similarly when I was pregnant afterwards I just shared this as well...it meant that I felt that I could express my anxiety about the new pregnancy and that if anything went wrong again, I wouldn't need to give everyone chapter and verse. People around me were very understanding on the whole, and I found lots of support from other women who'd miscarried (they told me spontaneously once they'd heard my story).
I hope people reading this may find it helpful.
Love to all
MsB

Metranil_Vavin

msb - I agree you are completely right about the early testing thing.

My mum told me that in her day (late 60's, early 70's), you didnt even bother going to the doctors until you're period was very late, and then you'd take a test at the Dr's which was sent away for another 2 weeks!

I stupidly did an early test yesterday (CD23) and of course got a BFN. It sent me into such a spiral of despair, I was kicking myself. To make it worse I did it at work during my lunch hour, so I had the added misery of having to suffer the rest of the afternoon at work!

I do think however that the excitment/terror of those few minutes when you are waiting for the result, is slightly addictive.

Also I got my BFP relatively quickly last time, so this time round I'm finding it a lot tougher going. All this and I'm still terribly upset about losing my little bean I still have to go up to the toilets on the top floor at work and cry every now and then

It's particularly hard as I work in a small office of young parents, who have long forgotten what I've been through, and spend a lot of time clustered near my desk talking about their babies/toddlers. It upsets me so much I can't tell you. I think the insensitivity of people is suprising too, but I guess no one really gives a s*** about it. They all have their kids so why should they care?

As a friend of mine said recently, people suffer with 'sympathy fatigue' after a while.

My boss is meant to be bringing in his newborn son today for us all to cluck over. I'm absolutely dreading it, and actually again think it's a little insensitive seeing as I only mc'd end of Jan and he knows all about it.

But again, why would that stop him showing off his proudest achievement?

I'm just waiting for AF to show now. It's my birthday on Saturday and had this romantic notion that I would get my BFP, but I dont feel preg at all..and I just feel it's going to be another disappointment.

Sorry for the NMA and rant, but sometimes I don'k know who/where I can lay my true feelings

Ali - hugs to you too. Hope you are well x

msb5262

Hello MV,
Sorry you are feeling so crap but not surprised, given the situation. The awful thing is that when you've miscarried, you feel as if the only thing that will "fix" how you feel is getting pregnant again. Of course it isn't, but that doesn't stop you feeling as if it is. Getting pregnant again is great and helps a lot, but actually you just have to feel how you feel until you don't feel like it any more.
I remember several people saying to me when I'd just miscarried, "Cheer up, you can have another baby," and I just wanted to answer, "But I wanted that one," and that sums it up perfectly. Your instinct pushes you on to get pregnant as soon as possible, but your grief isn't lessened at all even if you do get pregnant instantly.
Don't be afraid to say to other people (eg. your boss, showing off newborn son) "Sorry, but this is really difficult for me, " and get yourself away from the new baby/ pregnancy conversation/TV programme or whatever.
Be clear with them and be good to yourself.
Most of all, don't panic. Time will help you move on and will enable you to get pregnant, and your recognition that testing early is addictive will really help you too. Please try not to give yourself deadlines and if you can, get rid of the testing paraphernalia so it's not there tempting you when you are weak!
Thinking of you lots (and don't apologise)
MsB x

Metranil_Vavin

Thanks msb..I appreciate you taking the time to read my long post

I think a big part of my fear is my age. I just can't get over the fact that I will be 37 next weekend, and if I dont get a shift on, it may be too late

The fear as well is, can I actually carry a baby to full term? It makes it no easier I know, but at least women who have mc'd but already have children or go on to have them afterwards, at least know they can do it.

msb5262

Not likely it'll be too late - let's just say that your GP isn't likely to sign you off as no longer needing contraception advice for at least another 10 years! You are overwhelmingly likely to get pregnant again and carry a healthy baby to full term. What you can do at present is make sure that you are in the best physical and emotional state to help yourself with this, and that's an ongoing task.
Have a good day
MsB x

Penny35_2

Getting pg again after a mc is not the answer for everyone.

At this present moment I have no intention of trying to get pg for the foreseeable future if in fact ever.

Getting pg would not help me get over my mc, if anything it would make things more difficult for me than they are.

Maybe if my mc had not been so drawn out with such complications I may feel different. But I personally do not think mentally I could cope with a mc again.

Me and my DH are very, very lucky we have a wonderful life together and always have done.

Having a baby was something be both wanted, in fact once I got my BFP we done our nursery immediately, it is beautiful my friends think it rivals the designer ones in the magazines

When I first found out I was having a mc we initially said we would try for a baby asap. However my husband found it very difficult to see what having all the problems and complications I had with the mc done to me. I do want not he or I to go through that again.

I know some people feel they would not be complete until they have a baby.
We do not feel like that we felt a baby would be a very much wanted and loved addition to our life, but not necessary to make our life complete.

But at the moment I cannot see a time when we will decide if we want to try again.

It is good that many are just ready to get straight back at TTC, but it is not for everyone.