Miscarriage support

tea_lover

Thanks lily. We can use the counsellors at the hosp but I'm not sure I can see the point tbh. I go in there and say I'm sad because I lost my babies and I can't have anymore - what can they say to that, or make me say to that, that can possibly make me feel any differently.

I totally agree that it seems like the only thing that will help is getting pg again, and knowing that's not an option is just killing me. Silly as it sounds, even with all the treatment I never felt 'properly' infertile as I was always convinced that ICSI would work. Which it did of course, just not for long!

TeamLowe

Tea I didn't think that counselling would help, as you say, there's nothing that can take away the sadness of it

But having that space to say everything that was on my mind helped me to work through my grief and I'd really recommend it. it wasn't even like the counsellor said much to me - she just 'summed up' every so often what i had said. I was allowed a total of 7 sessions (first one was an assessment to see what help I needed) and I only ended up having 5 as I found that to be enough

At worst it'll be a waste of an hour of your life. At best, it'll be a massive help and help you accept what's happened and make your peace with it, which looking back now i don't think i would have ever have done without the counselling

fran-o

I'll echo what Team Lowe said about counselling, it's not gong to stop you feeling sad, but it'll give you an opportunity to express all the different feelings you may have that are hard to share sometimes. For me I had a space to be 100% honest and as well as talking sadness I could express my envy of a pregnant friend (not v socially acceptable elsewhere!), talk about how me and my partner were supporting each other (or not), talk through some of the difficult times - and it was all done on a very supportive, non-judgmental space. Because for me it's not just sadness I feel but a whole mix of different confusing feelings. I just had three regular sessions but have left it open that I can go back if I want to. Please no one feel like they have a set period of time in which they should be feeling better, grief is unpredictable and different for everyone. Big hugs ladies xxx

BugglyB

tea_lover wrote: »

Thanks lily. We can use the counsellors at the hosp but I'm not sure I can see the point tbh. I go in there and say I'm sad because I lost my babies and I can't have anymore - what can they say to that, or make me say to that, that can possibly make me feel any differently.

I totally agree that it seems like the only thing that will help is getting pg again, and knowing that's not an option is just killing me. Silly as it sounds, even with all the treatment I never felt 'properly' infertile as I was always convinced that ICSI would work. Which it did of course, just not for long!

With respect and kindness to you, tea lover. You are not 'sad that you lost your babies'. You are furious, at the unfairness of life, at your partner, at yourself, at nothing in particular. You are jealous, bitter, angry, grieving and rageful. You don't know what life looks like any more, or what the effing point is of anything. I know because I've been there (am there? maybe)

I'm not going to try and convince you to go to counselling because it doesn't seem like you want to, but I will say that it helped me when I didn't expect it to.

I had to go to two counsellors before I found a good one. I told her things I've never told anyone - dark, dark thoughts I have had. She helped me develop coping strategies.. I know (I know!) you are thinking that nothing will help you cope, or you don't want to cope, or whats the point in coping, but like it or not, pregnancy or no pregnancy, the world keeps spinning and you are still on it...

tea_lover

BugglyB wrote: »

You are furious, at the unfairness of life, at your partner, at yourself, at nothing in particular. You are jealous, bitter, angry, grieving and rageful. You don't know what life looks like any more, or what the effing point is of anything. I know because I've been there (am there? maybe)

Thank you for this, that is very much how I feel, and in some ways it is a reassurance that someone else can understand that (although of course I would never for a second wish this on anyone else, but I'm sure you all get what I mean).

I'm not ruling out counselling, I do think it would help to talk to someone as at the moment it's like my head is just churning. It would be great to get it all out (somewhere other than here!) I had so much time off during IVF though, and I'm now full-time again so appts would be tricky. My boss is great, and would tell me to just go, but I feel like I've taken advantage already over the last few months.

There was a tiny newborn at church yesterday and that pretty much finished me off. My face still hurts from clenching my teeth so hard all morning.

TeamLowe

Tea it might sound like a strange suggestion, but if counselling might be hard to get to due to work, have you thought about calling the samaritans? they're there for anyone who is upset and needs an ear to talk to. pouring your thoughts out to an anonymous stranger might help you to get the threads sorted x

faithhope

Counselling does sound good. Unfortunately in my area the NHS outsources to another organisation. On the initial phone call last week I was offered a group CBT therapy - NO!! The person I was speaking to then really tried to put me off counselling including mentioning the waiting list was 6 months and saying that counselling was for more serious cases e.g bereavement and loss....eh, excuse me I have had bereavement and loss, that's what the problem is! So anyway I'm now waiting to see someone who will do CBT but on a one to one basis and wait should be up to two months. Not much understanding from that service so far...feel like I'm on my own and will just have to do whatever I can to help myself......

msb5262

Well done faithhope - it sounds as if you have been strong and made it very clear what you want and need. You aren't on your own though, there are lots of people here who understand something about what you're going through. Take care of yourself and keep posting as often as you need.
MsB x

claire16c

faithhope wrote: »

Counselling does sound good. Unfortunately in my area the NHS outsources to another organisation. On the initial phone call last week I was offered a group CBT therapy - NO!! The person I was speaking to then really tried to put me off counselling including mentioning the waiting list was 6 months and saying that counselling was for more serious cases e.g bereavement and loss....eh, excuse me I have had bereavement and loss, that's what the problem is! So anyway I'm now waiting to see someone who will do CBT but on a one to one basis and wait should be up to two months. Not much understanding from that service so far...feel like I'm on my own and will just have to do whatever I can to help myself......

Oh wow. If someone said that to me Id want to smack them..

I hope you can get the counselling you want.

tea_lover

What an awful thing to say! I hope you manage to access some help soon faithhope xx.