Miscarriage support

claire16c

I have to say I would never post a scan photo on facebook. And I wouldnt have done even before having a miscarriage because you never know what other people have gone through. And I just find it a bit like pre-emptive. I mean the 12 week one doesnt mean all is fine and dandy.

The only thing I try to remember about facebook - which may totally not apply in their case - but if you see something like that, just try to remember that its likely they are only posting the good stuff in their life. Not that Id wish bad things on people but you know what I mean.

For example there is a girl from my school who has 3 kids and I assumed shed had no probs ttcing from the photos and stuff she used to write on there, baby photos in your face and even writing about how she was trying to conceive etc.

Then one day I went on there and shed written a post to a friend that I saw, that was saying how her first baby took I think 2-3 years to conceive, and when she had her 2nd and 3rd I think she had tried clomid hadnt worked and was on the waiting list for IUI and then it just randomly happened.

So who knows perhaps they have some hidden story too.

But - it is totally thoughtless to post stuff like that when you actually know your friends have been through a really bad time involving whatever that particular subject is. And hopefully they will realise that after they see your post.

Also personally I think its a bit tacky to announce having a baby on facebook. Wouldnt you rather tell people in person?

msb5262

skintchick wrote: »

Just went on FB and saw an update from a lady I know at church. You guessed it - scan pic plus ten million exclamation marks and loads of gushing.

The status update below it? Her husband - scan pic again plus slightly less gushing excitement.

Considering he is our assistant pastor, and they know I've had five miscarriages, four of which were in the last two years, I really think they should have let us know quietly on Sunday (he was talking to OH anyway) rather than it be in my face like that. I replied to both saying 'would have been nice to have this broken gently but congratulations anyway', which I am slightly regretting now TBH but it's done and I can't face going back on FB right now.

How can people be so thoughtless?

Poor you, it's such a horrible feeling. I remember feeling just like this about some close friends when they announced their pregnancy...and the worst part was that I didn't like myself for feeling that way. The pregnancy ended in miscarriage a week or two later and ironically I had to pick her up from the hospital when she was discharged after an ERPC. I felt terrible, as it was as if I'd ill wished their baby although logic told me this wasn't true.
Our friends made their announcement at a big social gathering and I found it really difficult as I couldn't go away and have a cry (it was only about 5 weeks after I'd miscarried); I felt furious with them for choosing to tell everyone in such circumstances...I was with another friend who'd just had a hysterectomy aged 33 and she found it very hard too.
I wished they'd told us beforehand so I could deal with it privately - and I wonder if your friends were trying to do this, maybe give people a chance to take it in before having to see/speak to them.
Personally I think fb is a nightmare for things like this: your friends know your circumstances, and they've still done this - and what about other people they know who may have their own fertility stuff going on? There are plenty of people who never share their personal stuff so there are bound to be others in your circle who are suffering as you are now.

I'll stop rambling now but please accept my sympathy and best wishes. Take care of yourself and I hope you get through the next time you see these friends (Sunday?) without feeling too distraught.

Best wishes

MsB x

claire16c

msb5262 wrote: »

Our friends made their announcement at a big social gathering and I found it really difficult as I couldn't go away and have a cry (it was only about 5 weeks after I'd miscarried); I felt furious with them for choosing to tell everyone in such circumstances...I was with another friend who'd just had a hysterectomy aged 33 and she found it very hard too.
I wished they'd told us beforehand so I could deal with it privately - and I wonder if your friends were trying to do this, maybe give people a chance to take it in before having to see/speak to them

MsB x

Thats another good point.

I was very careful when I was pregnant, to announce it to different people in different ways.

My friends and work colleagues who I knew 100% werent trying to conceive or had a mc, I told in person.

People I wasnt sure about I told on the phone.

You just dont know who telling it to, could really upset. One day, luckily we were on a break from ttc at that point, I had two friends call me at the exact same time - one friend had to leave a message as I was on the phone to the other, to tell me they were pregnant. If I had been trying at that time I would have been so upset. But I would have held it together on the phone to be happy for them and then probably cried afterwards. But in person it would have been awful.

lilymay1

I think this all comes down to personal experiences. Those who have never been in the situation of having a miscarriage or stillbirth or having a child pass away don't understand how their actions influence those who have. We can't expect them to really and that few people know of the pain is a good thing.

I still have days when I want everyone to loose their newborn baby in the way that I did, just so they understand the horror I went through, but that is totally irrational and those days are becoming less frequent. I think that is a sign I am coming to terms with it.

The rational side of me would suggest that those with a healthy pregnancy have every right to be excited about it and the feelings of others shouldn't necessarily come above your own. Having said that, the old phrase 'people in glass houses shouldn't throw stones' is also quite apt as we all know pregnancy can be very unpredictable.

Hope you're doing okay Skint.

skintchick

It's just that

1 he is the assistant pastor at church and also knows my history so I think he and his wife should be more thoughtful as that is his job

2 both he and his wife have separately had a go at me in the recent past about stuff I've said on FB even though on one occasion it was none of their business and on the other I made an innocuous remark that I could not possibly have known would upset her mum as I don't know her mum's history but I got a number of block capital texts telling me to BE CAREFUL what I posted on FB. So surely what's sauce for the goose...?

SusanC_2

Hugs Skintckick, that does sound very upsetting and double standards. I deliberately didn't post scan photos because it was them that I found most upsetting. I also try to initially hide baby photos from people I know may be sensitive and then unhide them later so that they are able to see them if they look at my profile but they don't have them popping up in their feed. I think it is understandable for people to announce it that way but it's not that hard to be sensitive about it given the customisability of audience for anything you post. I purposely don't like or comment on a scan photo if it is set to "friends of friends" or public because I don't want to inflict extra stuff on people who might not want it.

skintchick

I'm too scared to go back on in case they have replied to my comments!

It's made me feel really wobbly. It was such a shock and I'm so upset they didn;t think enough of me to let me know quietly.

claire16c

skintchick wrote: »

I'm too scared to go back on in case they have replied to my comments!

It's made me feel really wobbly. It was such a shock and I'm so upset they didn;t think enough of me to let me know quietly.

Maybe just try to check it before Sunday when you see them.

At least if they've said stuff to you in the past they can't say they weren't aware of things on Facebook hurting people.

Nicki

I doubt it was posted with any intention to upset you skintchick. How many friends do they have on their facebooks. If they've added all the congregation who use facebook as well as their personal friends I'm guessing it could be in 3 figures?

I think it is hard for people to know what to do. They obviously wanted to share their news once they had the 12 week scan, and this is a really common reaction. Personally, I'd be more upset I think if a close friend posted it on facebook but deliberately set their settings so that I couldn't see it but everyone else I knew could.

It's Friday today, so they may well not have had the 12 week scan when they saw you on Sunday, and if they hadn't given they know your history, they probably didn't want to announce their news to you until they knew that all was well for them. And being told after the church service wouldn't have been all that quiet either, and if you had got upset when told others might have noticed and their news would have been out before they wanted it.

I sympathise that it is hard. My BF told me on Wednesday that she is 10 weeks and it was clear that she was worried that I would be upset, and also that she had told other mutual friends before she had told me. Another friend who miscarried at the same time I did only posted on FB today that her baby arrived safely last week. I am of course a bit envious of their good fortune but just because I have had losses doesn't mean that others aren't entitled to be excited and happy that all is Ok with them.

Kitten_Pie

We set up a facebook group when I was pregnant with the boys for all their updates. We have pictures of them on there too which we were aware could be upsetting for lots of people (for those that don't know they were still born)

Now we have mini we have kept the group open so that all baby pictures go in there. Only those who subscribe to the group can then see or block with ease. We also didn't tell anyone (apart from people on here) that I was pregnant until she was born and healthy.

Skint I hope that you are feeling ok. When you get the nerve to go on, we are here for support not that I think they would say anything knowing your history.