Miscarriage support

claire16c

I feel like I'm in a real life version of that 'would you rather game', like 'would you rather die drowning or being stabbed?'

'Would you rather deliver your dead baby at home by yourself with unknown pain/blood, or be put to sleep and worry you won't wake up again or have some awful complication?'


How am I supposed to choose between that.

msb5262

Claire, it sounds as if you are having an awful time over making this decision - you poor thing.
Being given the choice can make life difficult as you are agonising about what is right for you.

In your position, I'd either make a list of the pros and cons, then discuss it with your DH OR talk to your DH/GP/practice nurse/best friend/family member and ask them, "What would you do?"

When I had a missed miscarriage, I asked the doctor at the hospital what they would advise. They advised ERPC and I followed their advice, and the whole experience actually made me feel better in a weird way because I felt that something had happened rather than something just hadn't happened (I know this sounds bonkers but you might know what I mean).
Being in hospital, being checked out physically and then going home gave me the feeling that everything had been dealt with as far as possible and I was then able to grieve and ultimately move on. I'm not saying this is what you should do, just that this is what helped me at a time when I felt really lost.

You might want to let someone else advise you what to do now, just to take the burden off yourself, even if it means giving yourself a deadline - e.g. I'll stay home and wait until X day, and if nothing's happened I'll ask for an ERPC.

Hang in there, you are not alone. Keep posting and let us know how you are doing.

Best wishes

MsB x

claire16c

You are right it would be easier if someone just told me what to do. I always take a long time to decide on simple stuff let alone something like this. One of my best friends said to me at least if you go for the Erpc you won't be having to make a decision anymore. Which is a really good point. I've decided I will go to the hospital tomorrow, so I can ask more questions and then decide there,

Do you think if I asked the surgeon how many of these he had done and how many had had complications they could/would tell me? I don't want to anger someone about to perform an op on me!

msb5262

claire16c wrote: »

You are right it would be easier if someone just told me what to do. I always take a long time to decide on simple stuff let alone something like this. One of my best friends said to me at least if you go for the Erpc you won't be having to make a decision anymore. Which is a really good point. I've decided I will go to the hospital tomorrow, so I can ask more questions and then decide there,

Do you think if I asked the surgeon how many of these he had done and how many had had complications they could/would tell me? I don't want to anger someone about to perform an op on me!

I think that talking to the surgeon would be a good idea. There are also midwives and nurses who look after lots of women having procedures like this and they will be able to tell you a lot if you feel this will help you.
If I remember correctly, the main thing they warned me about was the possibility of perforation of the uterus - was this the same for you? If you are worried about the anaesthetic, see if you can have a chat with an anaesthetist or theatre nurse too. I reckon they'll be able to reassure you. These days anaesthetics are very highly developed; when I went for the ERPC (which was 14 years ago!) they gave me the least possible anaesthetic and I felt ok afterwards.
I'm glad you're going to the hospital, it sounds like the right thing at this point.
Best wishes
MsB x

skintchick

claire16c wrote: »

You are right it would be easier if someone just told me what to do. I always take a long time to decide on simple stuff let alone something like this. One of my best friends said to me at least if you go for the Erpc you won't be having to make a decision anymore. Which is a really good point. I've decided I will go to the hospital tomorrow, so I can ask more questions and then decide there,

Do you think if I asked the surgeon how many of these he had done and how many had had complications they could/would tell me? I don't want to anger someone about to perform an op on me!

When I asked the RBH they did go and find out for me. They will probably just have stats for the hospital as a whole but yes, you can have that information. IIRC they were pretty similar to the national stats which I think is about two per cent.

You can ask for as much info as you need but may need to be firm about getting it.

One thing to bear in mind is that medical people will always advise a medical solution. So the hospital will not, in my experience, suggest you do it at home. That doesn't mean the natural route is wrong or unsafe, just that they have no experience of it (because its done at home not in hospital where they are) and they therefore don't really know anything about it.

Even though I had had four natural miscarriages at home with no problems, they still really pressured me to have an ERPC for my fifth and they were really cross that I said no. They did actually bully me.

So just remember doctors do not give an unbiased opinion.

I know that makes it worse for you, sorry.

What I do when making really hard decisions is imagine I've chosen one and see what my gut reaction is. That usually tells me if its the right call for me or not.

Huge hugs lovely lady. You are doing so well. X x x

claire16c

You are all so kind you have no idea how much this helps.

Msb- yes that's what they told me too. It's what scares me, along with not waking up, having some kind of reaction.

Skint chick- I think I've been lucky because the dr really didn't push me into any option. Unfortunately she couldn't help me decide either. And they all have their own view too- the ultra sound lady said you'll probably want the general anaesthetic option, doing it at home isn't very nice and it's painful. Then the dr said its like a bad period just take some normal painkillers. But I don't think you can say either is right because its going to be different for each woman anyway.

This morning I have some slight crsmps/ twinges but nothing else.

Yesterday when that stuff came out I thought please continue and I felt so relieved. Then today I woke up, scared to even go to the loo incase anything came out and just wanted to get it done in the hospital.

I think I'm probably going to end up making it tomorrow morning.

Courgette

claire16c wrote: »

I feel like I'm in a real life version of that 'would you rather game', like 'would you rather die drowning or being stabbed?'

'Would you rather deliver your dead baby at home by yourself with unknown pain/blood, or be put to sleep and worry you won't wake up again or have some awful complication?'


How am I supposed to choose between that.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Lots of love xxx

skintchick

Anaesthetics are very safe and the risks of adhesions and rupture pretty small. If those are your only reservations about the ERPC it might be worth you having it. I can tell you are in quite an emotional state and having the op might help because then you can begin to grieve.

It can take weeks for a missed mc to get going, it could happen over Christmas. How do you feel about that possibility?

I am all for the natural route in all things pregnancy and birth related but as it hasn't got going for you I don't know if its going to make things worse for you having to wait?

It really is a rock and a hard place x x x

Jox

Poor you claire, I hope this ordeal passes as quickly as possible and you will have a baby next year.

My miscarriage in August took care of itself starting over the bank holiday weekend, two weeks of blood and not any physical pain, just emotional which is still with me but not as bad as it was....

I probably should have had a check up after the miscarriage, as my stomach got quite sore and I had an infection but a week of antibiotics sorted that out.

This is a horrible situation but we're not alone, we have lots of support from each other and the "benefit" of others' experiences, although it's probably a bit different for all of us.

Take care xx

SusanC_2

claire16c wrote: »

Do you think if I asked the surgeon how many of these he had done and how many had had complications they could/would tell me? I don't want to anger someone about to perform an op on me!

I would have thought they would be able to give you that kind of information - I know my BIL is considering a very unusual operation and knows that kind of detail about the only available NHS surgeon and for another surgeon in another country. Also, I am due to have a minor operation at some point in the future and although with not being imminent, there was no need to discuss it in detail, my surgeon told me that it was to him a routine operation but that he knew to the person having it is not routine and also told me that his average time for that op is twenty minutes but he would expect mine to be ten. It's part of their job to give you the kind of information you need to make a decision and be happy with the operation.

I would suggest that you at least set a deadline for yourself and say, "If it hasn't happened by such and such date, I will go for the ERPC." That way all you have to do is decide how long to wait and then effectively the decision is made for you by whether it happens naturally before that date or not.

skintchick wrote: »

One thing to bear in mind is that medical people will always advise a medical solution. So the hospital will not, in my experience, suggest you do it at home. That doesn't mean the natural route is wrong or unsafe, just that they have no experience of it (because its done at home not in hospital where they are) and they therefore don't really know anything about it.

Even though I had had four natural miscarriages at home with no problems, they still really pressured me to have an ERPC for my fifth and they were really cross that I said no. They did actually bully me.

So just remember doctors do not give an unbiased opinion.

I'm sorry they were so pushy with you. I was lucky that they didn't push induction with Isabella although they did assume I would go to hospital whenever it started naturally - they said that after a certain amount of time they would advise induction because of possible blood clotting problems or something but that it was very rare for it to get to that point so they advised whichever I preferred and said that there wasn't a "better" choice out of the two. I suspect it is very rare not to choose induction though as when I went back to discuss my plans they assumed I had come in for induction and they were very nonplussed by the fact that we hadn't had time to come to hospital when we brought her in after she was born.