Miscarriage support

Rups32

oh Nephthys.. i am so so sorry.. hugs..i am so sorry for your loss. please look after yourself and be strong. i know the pain is there and so new, but do look after yourself and you and your OH stay strong together.

I cant still forget what happened, but slowly the pain is easing. yesterday hubby and i were being a bit affectionate and all i could think was about the baby and feeling weird, and then i said to myself to let go otherwise i would be a mess. it still hurts.

Thanks for your advise. seems like you had the 4-6 week period of waiting too. i had my surgery on the 24th of Jan. so today is my third week exactly. god knows when AF will arrive? maybe count from when the first lot of bleeding stopped after surgery? i dont know.. i suppose i will wait and see. i am sorry though for your loss. xxx

Nephthys

Thanks Rups - am so sorry you had to go through it too. It can be really rough can't it? You never forget but it does get easier and eventually you can think about it without getting teary eyed.

I think I went with the theory of expecting something one month after surgery so I was waiting for it from 24th Dec on. (I should probably have mentioned that the op was from my first MC 2 years ago before i had my DS and my second MC was a week or so ago). Just waiting to have a normal AF after this MC and then I'll go back to trying again. It has just reinforced that as scary as it was to have the BFP it is what we really want. We're working on getting our PMA back!

Rups32

a bit of a silly question but whatis PMA?

yes i dont blame you for trying asap. i am in that mindset now even though hubby is being cautious and waiting for my first cycle to finish, because he heard the consulatant say so. iknow sometimes people start asap they recover from a MC and say they only advise waiting, so they can calculate but i am not bothered..

you are right, the more i talk it about it though, the less teary eyed i am getting, which is good i suppose. at least i can feel the sadness and not cry all the time, even though iknow it is ok to. its sad that these things happen in life.

this moring, this woman who is sweet asked me if i was ok as had been away for ages, so i know she is a quiet soul and i told her without getting upset. she said she was sorry and that she has had one herself, and then she finished by saying what i HATE hearing, and said its very common so dont worry and it will happen! she annoyed me just by saying that and as i got annoyed, i had to reply ans said yes i know and i have read about that but when it still happens, it is still painful. grrr. ok i am still very defensive. :0(

Metranil_Vavin

So sorry to hear about your loss Neph x

PMA is Positive Mental Attitude which at times is incredibly difficult to dig up.

Rups32

Thanks metranil. sometimes i have issues with that but after a few bad arguements with hubby, i am trying extra hard. :0(

Nephthys

Positive mental attitude!

It's astonishing how many others tell you that they have had one isn't it. I think people say these things as they don't know what else to say. It doesn't help make us feel any better but I try and look at it as someone is trying to be kind but is just a bit clumsy at expressing themselves. (I can be fairly clumsy at expressing myself too). Those comments get a wee bit easier too. Re the woman, she probably didn't mean to ignore but in her own way was telling you to hang in there. She didn't do it very well but I bet her concern was genuine.

See, I get myself all tongue-tied even when typing on a forum. I think most people mean well but just never know what to say. There are others, however,, who are just totally clueless and thoughtless who shall remain on my hitlist for many a long time to come! Lol!

Right - back to work. Just hang in there Rups - your feelings are totally normal as are mine and we'll get there! xx

Nephthys

Thanks MV - can't wait to get home and have a look at the picture you put up on the other thread (can't see it at work). I'll bet your boy has grown so much! Speak later!

Rups32

thanks hon.. yes i do tryand understand that people mean well.sigh.. i think with me, the more i hear it, the more frustrated?? or sad (maybe the right word) i get and its a reminder all over again. i am sure we will all be ok. hugs. and thanks for that.
i better work too.hehe

SusanC_2

Rups here is a copy of the content of the complaint letter I wrote after my first miscarriage:

I recently had a miscarriage and attended University Hospital of North Durham on three occasions as a result of this. Although the majority of staff who dealt with me were very good there were some who were poor. This combined with what I presume are defects in the system mean that I feel the standard of care I received was below what it should be. I found my treatment as a whole far more upsetting than the fact that I had a miscarriage and my purpose in writing this letter is to ensure that other women in the future will receive a better standard of care.

I will outline the care I received and then highlight those aspects which could be improved upon.

Care Received
On presenting at A&E with spotting at around 1650hrs on Friday 3rd September 2010 the receptionist took the appropriate information and told me to wait to be seen by the triage nurse. When I saw the triage nurse, she asked me some brief questions, took my blood pressure and sent me back out telling me there was a two and a half hour wait for the doctor. I appreciate that her job is just to assess and not to treat but her manner and behaviour were abrupt and perfunctory and other than the length of wait she did not give me and feedback/information/reassurance in relation to my symptoms.

The doctor who saw me was very good and after speaking to an ob referred me up to ward nine approximately two hours twenty minutes after I had arrived.

Once on the ward, I was seen by a nurse fairly quickly before waiting around two hours ten minutes to be seen by a doctor. After waiting for over an hour I was told that the reason for the delay was shift change over and that I would be seen "soon". Whilst I wouldn't have minded the lack of information if the delay had been due to an emergency, I think it rather poor not to tell someone they will have a long wait when it is so predictable.

When I finally saw the doctor, she was fine and after examining me told me that scans are not done at the weekend so I would need to return on Monday for a scan. I finally left five hours after having presented at A&E. I wasn't given any advice on whether it was safe to carry on with normal activities or on the prognosis.

When I had the scan on Monday 6th September, the sonographer asked me about the reasons for the scan before commencing the scan. My only criticism is that I was not offered a picture of my baby which having subsequently miscarried I deeply regret.

On return to the ward I was sent to the waiting area but then told by a nurse that since the scan was fine I could go as I didn't need to see the doctor. Again I was given no advice as to whether I should carry on with my regular activities etc. and no information as to the prognosis. On my first visit to the ward I had been given the phone number and told to call if the bleeding got worse and this was reiterated by the nurse before I left.

Over the next few days the bleeding gradually got worse so on the morning of Friday 10th September I asked my husband to phone the ward. To our surprise he was told that I could not come direct to the ward but would have to either see my GP or present at A&E again and see if they referred me up. On presenting at A&E the receptionist seemed appropriately unimpressed by what we had been told and the triage nurse (who actually seemed to care unlike the previous one) managed to have me referred up to ward nine an hour after I had arrived.

After two hours having not yet been seen by a doctor, I was taken to have a scan. There were three people in the scanning room (compared with two the previous time) although no reason was given for this. The sonographer commenced the scan without having any discussion with me. Almost straight away she said, "When did you have a positive pregnancy test?" At that point I knew I had miscarried because she would only be asking if she couldn't find a baby. When I said I hadn't needed to do one because I had been charting, she asked if my GP had done a pregnancy test. I told her that I hadn't seen my GP but that I had had a scan on the Monday and seen the baby and the heart beating. She asked one of the other people to look it up on the system and she continued with the scan in silence before telling me that I had miscarried. Once the scan was complete, I went to the toilet next door and returned to find my husband and daughter had been sent out. I asked him if they had told him anything but he said they didn't really speak to him. From conversations we had later I found out that he had not been able to hear what the sonographer was saying to me but had worked out from my response that I had miscarried. Although it was his baby too he felt ignored and out of place as if he wasn't supposed to be there.

On returning to the ward we were sent back to the public waiting area to wait for a doctor. An hour later, a nurse came to speak to us (she did actually talk to both of us) and said that unless I really wanted to see a doctor, I could leave as the scans showed no complications and no treatment was needed. I was given some leaflets about bereavement/counselling etc. and she answered my question about how long the bleeding would last and told us it is fine to try for another baby whenever you are both ready but there were no leaflets given with any practical information.

Aspects of Care Which Could be Improved Upon
1) Processing of pregnant women who present at A&E with bleeding.
Pregnant women who present at A&E with bleeding should be automatically referred straight up to ward nine. On my first visit, I was initially dealt with by a doctor in A&E. She assessed me and then phoned an Ob to check whether she should refer me up to the ward. Given that at this point my bleeding was very light, it seems likely that the majority of women are referred up to the ward. This means that not only do women have to wait much longer than if they were referred immediately (in my case two hours twenty minutes before going up to the ward) which adds to an already distressing situation but it wastes the time of the A&E doctor who is not an expert in this area. I understand from friends that some hospitals already operate a policy of automatic referral.

2) Scan photos at EPAU.
Photos should be offered by default at early scans. If my baby had lived I wouldn't really care whether I had the photo or not but having miscarried I wish I did. I am sure I am not the only one of the 10% who go on to miscarry after a scan showing a baby with heartbeat who regrets not having a picture.

3) Preparation of Sonographers for Scans on Women with Bleeding in Pregnancy
No sonographer should commence a scan in this situation without having found out all relevant information first. At the first scan, the sonographer did find out the relevant information but at the second scan, this oversight led to me being informed of my miscarriage by her asking me when I had had a positive pregnancy test. Nobody should find out they have miscarried in this way and it could be easily avoided with very little effort.

4) Location of Parents after Being Informed of Miscarriage
After being informed of my miscarriage, we were sent back to the ward and told to wait in the public waiting area. Other people were waiting there, people were going back and forth and we were also asked (rather unnecessarily) to move to allow the people dishing out lunch for inpatients could do so in a particular place. Although we were able to cope with this, it seems highly inappropriate to send parents who have just been told they have lost their unborn baby to sit and wait in a public place. I know this was not due to lack of space as around forty five minutes later a nurse cam to do my obs and said she could take me into a private room to do them if I wanted. Parents in this situation should be automatically offered somewhere private to sit rather than being sent to a public waiting room.

5) Re-attendance of Women with Bleeding in Pregnancy
Having been given the number of ward nine and told to call if the bleeding got worse, we still had to go through A&E again. Not only does this make it baffling why they gave the number in the first place but it wastes A&E resources by making them into triage for ward nine and again adds to what is already a distressing situation. If a woman has been seen already for bleeding pregnancy she should be able to be seen again without having to go through A&E or her GP for a referral. If she must go through A&E or her GP then she should not be given the number of the ward as this is misleading and results in expectations which are not fulfilled.

6) Treatment of Fathers during the Process
Whilst I appreciate that in the case of miscarriage, it is the mother who is the "patient" and who may need medical treatment, the father has lost his baby too. Whilst I would not expect the father to be actively engaged with every aspect of care, to ignore the father completely and only inform the mother is extremely insensitive. When we went for the second scan, my husband said he felt out of place and like he wasn't supposed to be there. He was completely ignored and couldn't even hear the sonographer when she said I had miscarried so was informed by my response. I find it absolutely appalling that he was treated in such a manner.

7) Information Given to People suffering Miscarriage or Threatened Miscarriage
The first two times I attended, I was not given any information as to what I should do or any information on the prognosis. It would be helpful if this information was given.
Once I had actually miscarried, I was given leaflets related to counselling and bereavement but nothing relating to practical aspects. Although I did ask one practical question, one does not really think of all the things one wants to know until later on. It would be very helpful if a leaflet was provided giving various information including:

• How long bleeding should last.
• How you might feel physically afterwards and how long for.
• Indications for contacting the ward or seeing your GP.
• Whether/what normal activities are safe.
• How long it can take for fertility to return.
• Am I more likely to have a miscarriage in my next pregnancy?

I had to spend hours trawling the internet to find out the answers to these questions and I feel that it would be helpful if people were given this kind of practical information.

I hope my suggestions will be put into practice and am happy to discuss them further with you if necessary.

SusanC_2

Nephthys wrote: »

On the negative downer side, I've just had my second miscarriage. It was fairly early on this time but bit of a shock. Somehow I had thought that if it was going to happen then it would be like the first time (MMC picked up on scan). It didn't. I had a bleed and that was that as they say. I thought I was doing ok but this time seems harder than the first. I know it will get better but I want to get past being unhappy. Sorry for the whingeing - it helps to write it all down and know that I won't upset my DH!

I'm so sorry for your loss. It's not whingeing at all to say here that you are finding it hard - that is what this thread is for. I also found my second harder than my first and I think in a way it was because it was earlier that it was harder as I didn't expect it to happen at that point so it was more of a shock than the first. I think I also had this idea in my head that the first one should be harder and that therefore I "should" have been less upset which didn't help as in some ways telling yourself it's okay to be upset makes it easier to recover.