Miscarriage support

Rups32

Thanks msb. hug
i have found all the threads here wonderful, which is why i came here upon recommendation from someone on the less than 12 weeks thread.

you are right. rather than worrying about waking up.. i def need to come in terms with what has happened esp after Tues i can move on.. we went out last night to meet friends locally and one of them asked me if i was ok as i looked sad. i didnt want to say anything and was getting slightly tearful. think so far, friends have been so supportive. its quite nice to know people care esp in this stressful world we live in. xx

msb5262

Hi again Rups.

You may well find it's a good idea to tell people around you what's happened, as that way you're not keeping it all bottled up and other people might be less likely to say things which upset you...I found it very hard to see pregnant friends etc and definitely didn't wish to see scan pictures etc.

By telling people, you can protect yourself a bit and hopefully put off nosey questioning about when you're going to start a family etc etc.

Anyway I'm glad that you're finding this thread helpful. At least everyone here will have an idea of how you are feeling. And for what it's worth, you can't get "too attached" to a baby you're carrying...that's natural and it means that when it happens, you'll be a lovely mum. For whatever reason, it didn't happen this time so it's entirely appropriate to feel very sad. Try to stay close to your partner and get through this together.

Hope your weekend goes as well as it can.

Love

MsB

colli

Hi Rups,

So sorry for your loss. I had an ERPC for a mmc at11weeks 2 weeks ago and now, physically at least it's as though nothing has happened.

For the ERPC they put you under a very light anaesthetic, it feels like an afternoon nap, a short sleep then you wake up a bit groggy. After a couple of hours, some tea and toast on the ward I felt well enough to walk home (hospital about a mile away and I wanted fresh air). Pretty much pain free afterwards but I did get some cramps about 4/5 days afterwards (minor but surprising as I wasn't expecting them). The bleeding wasn't too bad, like mid/end of a period and lasted about 10 days. Rather than starting heavy then tailing off like a period it sort of comes in fits and starts. I had bright red blood flow for a couple of days then light spotting for a couple of days, then more heavier flow, then spotting, then nothing, then spotting again. It was frustrating as I kept thinking it had finished but then it would start up again but this is typical after this op from what I can gather and it does stop eventually.

emotionally it's up and down, you'll get good days and bad days. I'd advise to just go with it. Don't feel bad about not doing things you don't want to do. If you've arranged to meet a friend and really don't feel up to it, don't go. After my first mc in June I didn't have a weekend to myself for 2 months due to previous commitments and was on my knees by the end of it. You do need time to just let things settle and come to terms with not being pregnant anymore. You'll get through it but it may take time and that's ok, just be gentle with yourself x

Nicki

I know when I had my last miscarriage I was already attached to the baby even though I only knew for 2 weeks that I was pregnant before it came to an end. I hadn't started buying anything for the arrival or anything, but my mind had already accepted their arrival into our family and made a space for them, and that still hasn't been filled. Some day to day decisions were different, just because that baby was on its way (eg we were in the process of decorating and decided to leave repainting the "spare" room because it would be needed for the baby in a few months time, and would need to be refurnished and painted for that)

I had only told my OH and my BF about the BFP, but when it happened, I ended up telling 3 more close friends in the first few days and a couple more a few weeks later. That was very helpful, and I got a lot of love and support when I needed it though I didn't feel like broadcasting the news far and wide. Now, 5 months later, I really don't care who IRL knows about it, though would rather family didn't find out I suppose because they might be upset they weren't told at the time.

My bloating and belly went quickly after the bleeding stopped by the way, and I missed my little bump. I did find in the first few months I ended up putting on a bit of weight due to comfort eating I suspect, but am back to my normal size and shape now.

colli

Nicki wrote: »

I had only told my OH and my BF about the BFP, but when it happened, I ended up telling 3 more close friends in the first few days and a couple more a few weeks later. That was very helpful, and I got a lot of love and support when I needed it though I didn't feel like broadcasting the news far and wide. Now, 5 months later, I really don't care who IRL knows about it, though would rather family didn't find out I suppose because they might be upset they weren't told at the time.

When I'm feeling a bit stronger emotionally I'm certainly planning on being very open and honest about both mc. It's a bit of a bug bear that mc is such a taboo subject, only a couple of people irl knew about the first and it was honestly the most lonely time of my life, for a long time I felt as though I was an outsider just looking in and watching the world whilst everyone else just got on with things. I'd told a few more people this time and had to tell work and got much more support, it was especially comforting to hear from those who'd been through it themselves.

msb5262

colli wrote: »

When I'm feeling a bit stronger emotionally I'm certainly planning on being very open and honest about both mc. It's a bit of a bug bear that mc is such a taboo subject, only a couple of people irl knew about the first and it was honestly the most lonely time of my life, for a long time I felt as though I was an outsider just looking in and watching the world whilst everyone else just got on with things. I'd told a few more people this time and had to tell work and got much more support, it was especially comforting to hear from those who'd been through it themselves.

I coudn't agree more. I found that when I told people, so many of them said it had happened to them - it isn't something people seem to discuss but once the subject is raised, they all come out of the woodwork. It really does help to hear about other people's experiences, not least because almost all of them are encouraging and helpful both immediately and in the longer term.

colli - hope you are doing ok. Best wishes to you and your OH.

MsB

mishkanorman

I find people are a lot more understanding and sympathetic when it comes to miscarriage than they are towards me and my termination. I correct people when they say "ah, you had a miscarriage" because, well i didnt did I ? The choice wasnt out of my hands so to speak, we had to sit down and make the decision to end our pregnancy. The judgemental responses I've had have been shocking, especially from people who knew we had been trying for a baby, in fact I never knew how abusive people could be !

I also read the line "we wont be having the (whatever) test as we will love our baby no matter what" on the forum quite a lot, really ? so I didnt LOVE my baby enough !! (our baby had Edwards syndrome)

Perhaps I dont 'belong' to this thread because Im in the minority of how I lost my baby

mishka

ps sorry for the rant its been brewing today

msb5262

mishkanorman wrote: »

I find people are a lot more understanding and sympathetic when it comes to miscarriage than they are towards me and my termination. I correct people when they say "ah, you had a miscarriage" because, well i didnt did I ? The choice wasnt out of my hands so to speak, we had to sit down and make the decision to end our pregnancy. The judgemental responses I've had have been shocking, especially from people who knew we had been trying for a baby, in fact I never knew how abusive people could be !

I also read the line "we wont be having the (whatever) test as we will love our baby no matter what" on the forum quite a lot, really ? so I didnt LOVE my baby enough !! (our baby had Edwards syndrome)

Perhaps I dont 'belong' to this thread because Im in the minority of how I lost my baby

mishka

ps sorry for the rant its been brewing today

Mishka, I'm sorry you feel so low at the moment.

Speaking for myself, I can only express sympathy and solidarity with you over the decision you made to terminate the pregnancy - I would probably have done the same, and I think it's insufferably judgmental if people are looking at your experience critically.

Please accept my apologies if I've posted things which made you feel like this, it honestly wasn't intentional. When I've had dodgy scans during pregnancy, it has brought home to me a tiny bit of your experience, which is so sad.

Best wishes
MsB

portsmouthali

mishkanorman wrote: »

I also read the line "we wont be having the (whatever) test as we will love our baby no matter what" on the forum quite a lot, really ? so I didnt LOVE my baby enough !! (our baby had Edwards syndrome)

Perhaps I dont 'belong' to this thread because Im in the minority of how I lost my baby

mishka

ps sorry for the rant its been brewing today

Mishka, of course you belong here - a loss is a loss, whatever the circumstances. I'm not anti-abortion in any sense, whether it be for medical or other reasons.

It also annoys me when people say that about the tests - how can they possibly know how you feel, and how they'd feel in that situation? I am knocking on a bit now, so I'll have every test going, thanks! I'd want to know if there was any problems so that we could make an informed decision about how to proceed.

Rups, sorry for your loss too. I've had 2 ERPCs with no problems and very little pain (I've had more painful periods to be honest!) xxx

Nicki

Agree with the last 2 posters that a loss is a loss, and that mishka should stay here. On the nasty comments, people don't know what to say after a miscarriage which is sadly very common and often say the wrong thing, so how much more so with the situation which mishka's found herself in which is much much less common. I hope it's just embarrassment and crassness rather than premeditated cruelty.

I've had the experience of being told my child is very seriously disabled, and it is a hammer blow whether prenatally or after the birth. In my case, there would have been no way of knowing beforehand about DD's problems so we never had the choice to make. Who can tell what choice they would make in the same situation?

On the prenatal testing though, I do think that's a personal choice, and people aren't saying it to cast aspersions on women in mishka's position. Even if you do have a prenatal screen, it's no guarantee of a child without that condition, and some women would prefer not to know, rather than have to make a difficult choice or worry throughout their pregnancy. My friend had a high risk factor for Downs with her child, opted not to have an amnio due to the risk of miscarriage and then had 30 weeks of torment before having a child without Downs, so didn't screen in 2 subsequent pregnancies. We took 6 years to conceive our first and didn't test on the basis he might have been our only chance of a child. We did screen with our third, but refused with number 2 and the baby we just lost. There are lots of reasons why you might choose not to know, which don't imply any moral judgment on women who choose differently.