Miscarriage support

scarly

Hi ladies,

We had some bad news this morning. After having a scare and some bleeding two weeks ago at 7weeks, but seeing a heartbeat at the hospital, we paid to have a private viability scan this morning at 9weeks to see how everything was going (mostly because I was convinced things weren't going well). Unfortunately there was no heartbeat and the beanie hadn't grown since the last scan, so they confirmed I'd had a missed miscarriage. I haven't had any pain or serious bleeding yet and the Doctor said that it's my choice whether I have an ERPC or wait and see if everything will happen naturally. If I decide on the ERPC she said she could book me in for Weds or Fri this week, but that if I do the natural option I may not start bleeding for another week or more and that from what she could see on the scan it will most likely be very heavy.

This was my first pregnancy, so I'm not sure about the options as I know there are some risks associated with the ERPC but at the same time I won't have any control over the timing of the natural option and may need to go for an ERPC anyway. What would you recommend?

I've told my boss already as well, and she asked if I would be coming in to work this week but I'm just not sure at the moment. I'm not feeling bad at the moment (except upset obviously) but I've no idea if I will be OK to go to work after an ERPC, or if I'm doing the natural option will I start bleeding so much I'll need to go home anyway? I feel confused and so lost, any advice would be great .

xxx

QQuaver

I'm so so sorry scarly (((hugs))).

I only had erpc, and I took a week off. It was enough for me, but everyone is different. I had horrible cramps and a lot of bleeding for about 5 days after the op.

I never had a natural mc, so can't comment on that.

Take care.

Nicki

I am very sorry scarly. Such horrible horrible news.

Your boss sounds like a real charmer! In your shoes, no I would not be going into work for a while, until you sort yourself out, and most GPs will give you a certificate signing you off. There isn't a rush to decide on what you want to do. When I discovered on the Monday that I had miscarried, I initially opted for an ERPC which was scheduled for Wednesday morning, and then phoned them on Tuesday to say I was going to deal with things naturally at home. So you can take time to decide, and change your mind too if that's what it takes to come to the right decision.

If you do opt to go for a natural miscarriage, it could be very heavy and very painful, but even if it wasn't would you really want to be going through that at work, whilst trying to deal with colleagues or clients? Most of us, I think would want the privacy and comfort of our own homes, and not want the anxiety of being at work waiting for it to start. So if you do opt for a natural miscarriage, I wouldn't go back to work until the worst of it is over. An ERPC should be quicker and less painful, and whilst you may bleed for a while afterwards, it should be lighter, and hopefully should have stopped by Christmas, if you have plans to go away or to entertain over the Christmas holidays that might make a difference.

Again, so sorry to hear your news. Everyone on this thread has been where you are now, and we all feel for you and wish you get through this as best you can.

emsbet

So sorry for your loss Scarly. ((hugs))

I had a natural mc with my first but that was really early on so there wasn't a huge amount of bleeding or pain really. My second was a medically managed mc which is kind of like a natural mc in that you don't have to have an operation but it is speeded up with drugs. My bleeding with that lasted about five weeks. I think it is usual to bleed anywhere between two and six weeks (more usual for it to be closer to two I think).

As Nicki said whichever option you go for your doctor should sign you off as you really don't want to be going though this at work. I would ignore any pressure from your boss to go back earlier than you feel comfortable. My doctor signed me off for a month.

xx

scarly

Thanks ladies, as always your advice and support is invaluable!

My boss isn't trying to pressure me, she's very understanding having had 5 mcs herself. We had a busy diary for this week and I'm her PA so she was just checking that I'm not planning to come in so that she can make other arrangements. Sorry, it sounded more abrupt in my post

I've thought about it some more, and talked with DH and think I'm going to go for the ERPC. We are hosting at Christmas and I just don't think I'll be able to cope if I'm still going through heavy bleeding and cramping.

I think I'm still a bit in shock, it totally doesn't seem real at all, particularly because some close friends of ours announced their pregnancy yesterday, unplanned, unexpected. They're 11 weeks and I was so excited because I thought I'd have a really good friend to share everything with, but we didn't tell them because we were waiting for this scan and now I'm so glad we didn't... And it is making it a little harder knowing that I'll have to see them go through everything, although I am really happy for them. Feeling very conflicted.

xxx

colli

I'm so sorry for your loss Scarly.

I also had a mmc, a scan at 9 weeks showed the embryo had only developed to about 5 weeks. I knew there was no hope as my husband had been working away for the month prior and there was no chance of my dates being wrong. I was booked for a scan the following week to check progress regardless but started to bleed either the day after or two days after the scan. The bleeding lasted about 6 days and finished when I passed the sac (sorry if tmi). It wasn't much heavier or much more painful than a regular period and the follow up scan showed all had been passed.

I did carry on working throughout but as I also had other health issues going on at the time so used that as an excuse to leave early most days. I did find being at work helpful to be honest as it was a relief to be doing something I had control over and it took my mind off things but everyone feels differently about this and I was lucky that the physical side of things weren't bad at all.

Thinking of you, take as much time as you need to get yourself back on your feet. Don't be afraid to be selfish xxx

colli

scarly wrote: »

I think I'm still a bit in shock, it totally doesn't seem real at all, particularly because some close friends of ours announced their pregnancy yesterday, unplanned, unexpected. They're 11 weeks and I was so excited because I thought I'd have a really good friend to share everything with, but we didn't tell them because we were waiting for this scan and now I'm so glad we didn't... And it is making it a little harder knowing that I'll have to see them go through everything, although I am really happy for them. Feeling very conflicted.

xxx

I was in the same situation and it was very hard. Our friends knew we were expecting and so knew about our loss. As they knew they were able to be a bit more sensitive and were a fantastic support to us, I was worried about it being a "downer" for them but they really were brilliant. I did feel a huge sense of relief when their baby arrived though, it was a real "moving on" moment for me xxx

emsbet

scarly wrote: »

I think I'm still a bit in shock, it totally doesn't seem real at all, particularly because some close friends of ours announced their pregnancy yesterday, unplanned, unexpected. They're 11 weeks and I was so excited because I thought I'd have a really good friend to share everything with, but we didn't tell them because we were waiting for this scan and now I'm so glad we didn't... And it is making it a little harder knowing that I'll have to see them go through everything, although I am really happy for them. Feeling very conflicted.

xxx

I totally know how you are feeling, I had this after both my mcs and it's been really hard. You have such conflicting emotions about it. On one hand you're happy for your friends but on the other sad and angry that it hasn't worked out for you and that in turn can lead to feelings of guilt. Just know that what you are feeling is totally normal so don't be too hard on yourself.

Like Nicki said, everyone on here has been through what you are going through so you will find lots of support here. Be kind to yourself over the next few days/weeks and don't feel like you have to rush to get back to normal.

xx

skintchick

scarly wrote: »

Hi ladies,

We had some bad news this morning. After having a scare and some bleeding two weeks ago at 7weeks, but seeing a heartbeat at the hospital, we paid to have a private viability scan this morning at 9weeks to see how everything was going (mostly because I was convinced things weren't going well). Unfortunately there was no heartbeat and the beanie hadn't grown since the last scan, so they confirmed I'd had a missed miscarriage. I haven't had any pain or serious bleeding yet and the Doctor said that it's my choice whether I have an ERPC or wait and see if everything will happen naturally. If I decide on the ERPC she said she could book me in for Weds or Fri this week, but that if I do the natural option I may not start bleeding for another week or more and that from what she could see on the scan it will most likely be very heavy.

This was my first pregnancy, so I'm not sure about the options as I know there are some risks associated with the ERPC but at the same time I won't have any control over the timing of the natural option and may need to go for an ERPC anyway. What would you recommend?

I've told my boss already as well, and she asked if I would be coming in to work this week but I'm just not sure at the moment. I'm not feeling bad at the moment (except upset obviously) but I've no idea if I will be OK to go to work after an ERPC, or if I'm doing the natural option will I start bleeding so much I'll need to go home anyway? I feel confused and so lost, any advice would be great .

xxx

Oh Scarly I'm so sorry.

I have had three miscarriages and I've had all of them at home, naturally.

I am not sure why they would tell you they can tell the bleeding will be heavy - if your baby died at 7 weeks then it won;t be any heavier than any other baby lost at 7 weeks.

My first mc in October 2008 baby was around 6/7 weeks and miscarried spontaneously. I bled for two weeks and had 3 off work as it was my first pregnancy and it was such a shock. I found the pain very difficult but that was because no-one told me I could get stronger painkillers from my doctor and I tried to do it on over the counter ones which just aren;t enough.

My second mc was in March this year and baby was 6 weeks but I got to 11 weeks before I bled. Then it was the same as the first really, bled for around 2 weeks, the first few days very heavy, I needed codeine and that really helped, I got it from my GP but he hospital can prescribe it too.

My third one I have just finished. I went for my scan at nearly 13 weeks and baby had died at 10 weeks. I too had had an early scan (at 7 weeks) and seen HB so it was a real shock. Again I had heavy bleeding for quite a few days (less than a week though) and needed codeine, it was more painful than the earlier ones but not so awful I couldn;t cope. I continued spotting so bled for a total of 2 weeks.

Personally, I would take time off work, get some maternity pads and codeine, have OH or a good friend in the house to feed and water you, and do it naturally.

There are risks associated with the ERPC and the anaesthetic (infection, adhesions, damage to uterus, etc.), and there are not the same risks associated with a natural mc which only really has a risk of infection (risk of that is 3 per cent whichever way you do it). Overall it is safer to do it naturally but of course you do then have to be able to cope with that.

I prefer to do it at home because I find it actually helps me get my head round the loss, and because I feel happier doing it myself and trusting my body, but I know not everyone feels like that.

Like Nicki said, no decision is set in stone anyway, and even if you start at home you can always go in to hospital later.

When I was researching this time, I discovered that most missed miscarriages will happen within 6 weeks of the baby having died, so you are very unlikely to be miscarrying over Christmas, and if you wait a week or two and nothing happens then you can always book to go in.

I know quite a few people who have had missed miscarriages, and of those who opted to wait at home for it to happen, it happened within a week of them finding out the baby had died. It seems like something in your head releases your body to get on with it once you know what has happened.

It is very hard when people are due around the same time - a lot of my mummy friends are due around the month I would have been due, and I also see a lot of newborns in my work as a breastfeeding peer helper, which is very hard. If you find it too difficult then take some time out from people, and don;t be afraid to tell them why, people do understand.

huge hugs to you and keep posting; we're here to support each other. :A

scarly

Thanks so much for your post skintchick, that really does give me a very good viewpoint of a natural mc. TBH, I'm just a bit scared of doing it myself at home. I've always had very painful periods and I'm just so worried that if I went the natural way I'd be in agony and terrified of all the blood. You were so brave!

I think the Dr just said that she could see a lot of blood clotting in the uterus, and so to not be surprised if there is a lot of blood. And I think she referred to 'heavy' bleeding as compared to a period rather than another loss of a similar timeframe. I can't really remember now, I wasn't able to concentrate very much past the moment she started scanning and I just saw the big empty sack on the screen with nothing in it. And it didn't matter how quiet she was, and how quickly she tried to move the scanner to find something, I knew pretty much straight away it wasn't good news.

I'm so sorry for your losses as well, and everyone's on here. It's so sad.

We had dinner with MIL and FIL this evening. Thankfully DH called ahead to tell them the news and they were very sensitive and didn't mention anything, other than MIL giving me a very long, hard hug. But they served steak, and brie. Which made me briefly happy and then really, really sad again. Luckily DH saw and made our excuses and we left pretty sharpish.

xxx