Miscarriage support

msb5262

Nicki wrote: »

Two bereavements in a month is very hard, and it is inevitable that you will grieve. At first it might seem like things will never get better and that you are sad, or angry, all the time but gradually you will have the odd good day, and over time you will notice that the good days outweigh the bad again.

I agree with emsbet that you should find a friend in real life who you can confide in. This is controversial but I also think if someone says something about your loss which is crass or insensitive or makes you feel bad, you should tell them. When this happens to us, often people do say the wrong thing over and over again without necessarily meaning to cause the pain they do. But how can we stop this happening if women in this situation don't ever feel they can speak up and say that there well meaning platitude has hurt rather than healed. I don't mean that you have to take everyone on if you don't feel that you can, but just that you shouldn't shy away from doing it. Anything you say cant possibly hurt the friend as much as they inadvertently hurt you after all, and for me at least taking some control of how these conversations develop is better than silently screaming inside!

Wise words from Nicki - well said.

It's amazing how some of the small things really hurt us. I'll never forget a dear friend telling me every detail of her pregnancy just after I'd miscarried, when her due date was the same as mine would have been, and even asking me to be godmother to her daughter when she arrived.
It was like a knife going through me but I said nothing, which was really stupid and did nothing for my emotional wellbeing.
It also did our friendship no good at all, as you can imagine.
Please try to TELL people how their comments make you feel and it will help you feel better and stronger.

Best wishes to everyone here who is struggling, whether it's a few days on or months or years after your loss.

Love from MsB x

portsmouthali

You are so right! It is important to tell people when they are being insensitive and upsetting. Some people can't help being tactless. My mother in law kept making suggestions as to how I could avoid miscarrying, things like "Next time you get pregnant, don't cycle to work/drink so much tea/work so many hours" She was trying to be nice but made it made me feel as if she felt like I'd done something to cause my losses OH told her this (as I am wimp and am RUBBISH at saying how I feel) and she's kept quiet since. I felt bad that he probably made her feel guilty, but it needed saying.

I had an awkward situation earlier. I had a dentist's appointment today, and the last time I went back in March, I was 11 weeks pregnant. The hygienist (who doesn't know my history) was reading through my notes, and said "Oh - what did you have?" It took a moment for me to work out what she was talking about, then the penny dropped I explained that I'd lost the baby a few days after my last appointment and the poor woman was mortified. She couldn't apologise enough, and said "Oh, it must have been dreadful etc.." I couldn't face telling her it had happened again in August, I think she would have exploded with pity!

Candlewax, I know exactly what you mean about feeling that life is going on around you. It's a good way of describing the grieving process. Thinking of you xxx

skintchick

Hi. Can I come in? We had our 12 week scan today. I had had one at 7 weeks and seen a heartbeat and aall was well, but at today's scan there was no heartbeat. The baby died at ten and a half weeks. Obviously we have no idea why. I have been referred to talk to someone at the hospital but there was a 2 hour wait today and so we came home. I don;t think they will investigate anyway, as I believe it has to be three in a row, not just three.

I am in part denial and part anger right now. Have texted everyone who knew, OH phoned parents who cried, which is natural but not helpful IYSWIM. We need them to be strong for us.

I kinda felt something was wrong. I had found the heartbeat at 10 and a half weeks on my home doppler but not since. Perhaps I heard baby's last heartbeats? I don;t know, but I treasure the memory of that galloping heart. I also lost my sickness two weeks ago, which I convinced myself was just normal as I was approaching the end of the first trimester, but I now know was because the baby had died.

I also had some minor cramping this morning, which is there again now, like just before you have a period.

I'm hoping to pass the baby naturally at home, but I am aware it will be much bigger then my previous two miscarriages where the babies died at 6 weeks, and am not sure if this is foolish and if I should have the operation?

I can go to the hospital tomorrow to discuss it if I want but I'm not sure what to do, to be honest.

I just can;t believe it. We did get a picture, the lady let us have it free. WE can see the face, and an arm and a leg sticking up in the air. It's nice to have something to keep. One day, when my family is complete (although maybe it is already) I will do something for all my lost babies, some ceremony. This all just feels so unfair.

I need somewhere safe to rant and talk. I know I have a daughter, and I should be grateful, but I so want another baby, lots of my friends are pregnant right now, and I have lost three babies now, two of them missed miscarriages.

I don;t understand why this might happen, or anything, and I'm desperate to try and understand.

janninew

I'm so sorry for your loss Skintchick. I lurked on the less than 12 weeks pregnant thread after moving on to the next thread, I like to read how other ladies were getting on. My heart sunk when I saw this thread on the first page and I saw your name on it.

Take care of yourself, I can't offer any advice regarding the medical side of things, but I'm sure others will come along soon to offer help/advice.

You are in my thoughts tonight.

xxx

emsbet

Skintchick - I'm so sorry for your loss.

I've sent you a PM. If there's any information I can share with your about my experience that you think may help you I'm more than happy to.

xx

SusanC_2

skintchick wrote: »

I'm hoping to pass the baby naturally at home, but I am aware it will be much bigger then my previous two miscarriages where the babies died at 6 weeks, and am not sure if this is foolish and if I should have the operation?

:grouphug: I'm so sorry for your loss skintchick. There isn't really a point at which you "should" go for a surgical/medical option rather than the natural option. I don't think it is foolish - my last pregnancy my daughter died at 20-21 weeks and I went for the natural option at home and did not regret it at all but obviously what is right for one person is not necessarily right for another. It's also worth bearing in mind that if you opt for natural, you can change your mind at any time .

gratefulforhelp_2

God love you skintchick. I'm so sorry for your loss. For myself I didn't want the general anaesthetic so went through it at home, but the gestation was shorter than for you.

It wasn't the easiest thing, but it was bearable.

I ended up in hospital anyway because of the blood loss, they had told me to go in if I was faint or dizzy and I really was.

xxx

mishkanorman

so sorry for your loss skintchick, I had a medical termination at between 13-15 weeks, if you have any questions feel free to pm me.

QQuaver

I'm so sorry Skintchick. Your baby must've been about the same size as mine, it was 10 weeks for me, had a heartbeat at 9 week scan, but found the baby has stopped a week previously on my 11 week scan:(

I had erpc op as I wanted it to be over as soon as possible
Take care (((hugs))).

skintchick

THank you all. I am reading but cannot post right now. Will reply to PMs tomorrow, I just need to think tonight. I'm hoping it will start tomorrow but I have read it could take weeks. Am going to call the hospital in the morning and arrange to go in and talk to them so I can start to order my thoughts.