Miscarriage support

Nicki

I am to be honest really struggling at the moment. We are just entering our first real two week wait following the last miscarriage and my nerves are strung out to pieces. There was a BFP post on another thread last night which really upset me due to the way it was worded and I am shocked at how big an impact it had. It literally made me feel cold and shivery inside for hours and this morning I still feel quite tearful.

I feel under so much pressure to conceive quickly and yet worry that it will never happen for me again, and that if it does the same will happen. When I had my first loss it took years to conceive again and now I am so much older i know I do not have this time. How have others found peace from this? At the moment it seems so hard to keep a happy face up for family and friends and still deal with this.

Metranil_Vavin

Hi Nicki x
I can relate to what you are saying completely. When I had my mc in Jan 2010 I was in a very dark place for a good while. Nothing anyone said helped, and in fact the best support and comfort I found was from people on this thread who had been through the same thing. I think if you haven't experienced a loss, it is very difficult to understand and empathise totally.
I got pregnant again in the April of that year, and was terrified all the way through that something was going to go wrong again. I was also convinced that after my mc I would never get to hold a baby of my own, it was a really difficult time.
The ttc thread is hard to read sometimes, especially when people get their BFP's and you know you should be happy for them, but that emotion is coupled with upset at it not being your BFP..that's completely natural and normal btw.
Also that particular thread seems to blow up a bit once every few months, and it's mostly due to the fact that everyone on there wants a baby so desperately, and those that get their BFP's are both completely elated but also terrified at the same time and perhaps write things that could be construed as insensitive when they didn't mean them to come out that way at all.
Don't feel under pressure to conceive quickly. Take your time. DTD to just get pregnant quickly isn't much fun for anyone concerned. I went a bit bonkers with the whole CBFM thing and poor OH felt more unsexy than he had ever felt in his life!
It will happen for you again and the odds are very well stacked in your favour that all will go well. MC's are sadly more common than people realise.
xx

Nicki

Thanks MV. Unfortunately for me there is a time pressure. I will be 43 next birthday, and OH said when we lost the baby that he only wanted us to try for 6 cycles because he worries that we would otherwise be too old to parent a new child properly. It doesn't help that we have had fertility issues in the past so know that conceiving is not as simple as just doing what the CBFM says.

I wish I didn't feel so vulnerable about all this, and that there was some magic answer to make everything right.

Metranil_Vavin

Well if it makes you feel any better I am 38, and when I was going through my pregnancy a midwife told me that the most miscarriages and problems she encounters in her day to day job are younger women between the ages of 18-25, and that older women over the age of 40 seem to have the safest pregnancies.
If your OH is saying he only wants to 'try' for 6 cycles, then maybe he is just finding the pressure of the whole thing too much. Men are sensitive creatures! My OH was the same, and he has banned me from any kind of cycle-tracking next time around, in so much as I can keep an eye on my ov etc but he doesn't want to know!
Could you not maybe just BD regularly and see how that goes? He'll probably enjoy it all a lot more and hopefully you'll get pregnant into the bargain!
I think men are really put off by ttc when it gets a bit clinical and regimented.

Metranil_Vavin

..your OH has probably said that as well because he is grieving for your loss too.
I think men show their emotions in totally different ways to us.

I think if the pressure was off both of you, it'd really help x

Nicki

I try not to let OH know when we are trying rather than just having fun, and we do dtd all the way through the cycle. The 6 cycle thing is because he has worked out that if it takes us longer than this to conceive, then he will need to work until his mid 70's if he wants to give the last child the same opportunities in relation to university, etc as he will the first. Though personally I think this is nuts, and we have plenty of time between now and then to save for all the children who want to to go on to university. But he works and I have been a Sahm for the last 8 years so I feel he has the last say on this.

Metranil_Vavin

How long have you been trying for this time Nicki?
Do you think that maybe he just hates seeing you upset?

Nicki

We lost on 3 September. Had a positive OPK a few weeks later but don't really know of I ovulated or not as they can be dodgy the first cycle after a loss. So this is the first real month ttc. I have been trying really hard not to let him see that I am finding this hard, and to keep things on an even keel for the kids.

colli

Nicki, it's been such a short time since your mc. I know what it's like to feel you need to concieve NOW after a mc but please give yourself a break. Take care of yourself x

SusanC_2

Nicki wrote: »

I am to be honest really struggling at the moment. We are just entering our first real two week wait following the last miscarriage and my nerves are strung out to pieces. There was a BFP post on another thread last night which really upset me due to the way it was worded and I am shocked at how big an impact it had. It literally made me feel cold and shivery inside for hours and this morning I still feel quite tearful.

I feel under so much pressure to conceive quickly and yet worry that it will never happen for me again, and that if it does the same will happen. When I had my first loss it took years to conceive again and now I am so much older i know I do not have this time. How have others found peace from this? At the moment it seems so hard to keep a happy face up for family and friends and still deal with this.

Hugs Nicki, I think feeling like you have a time limit also makes it much harder. (Or at least it does for me.)