Miscarriage support

msb5262

Moneysavingmama wrote: »

I have just found this thread while searching the internet for something I can relate to about miscarriage. Having seen my baby's heartbeat at 6 weeks, I started bleeding at 9 (last weekend) and had a scan which showed no heartbeat. 4 days ago I miscarried. I am absolutely devastated but no one seems to understand, except those who've been through it. I have 3 beautiful children and everyone keeps saying just look at them. I know they mean well but it's as if they are saying this baby didn't count. It did and only now do I realise how much. I am still in a lot of pain (is this normal?) although a scan showed everything had come away except a few small bits which would come away themselves in time.

Reading some of the recent comments I saw another MoneySavingMama which just made me cry some more - I don't even know why. I guess it's just good to relate to someone and I feel even more related to you!

I am so sorry for all your stories, especially those who've been through this more than once. I just never understood how devastating it is.

BTW, to those who've asked about cards/gifts, for me personally I have really appreciated anything as it felt like it was validating my baby's (short) life, where miscarriage is so often viewed as just a medical situation.

Hello and welcome.

I'm sorry for your loss - it's hard when you've already got children; people sometimes seem to think it doesn't matter if you have a miscarriage because you've got a family already.

I miscarried my third pregnancy and I sometimes felt as if already having a son and daughter, it was "wrong" for me to be very sad.
It's not wrong for you to feel like this at all.

I hope the physical pain will ease soon - if you're unsure about it at all, please contact your GP or NHS Direct for advice - but mostly I hope you can mourn and when the time is right, move on.

Let us know how you get on.

Best wishes

MsB

MoneySavingMamma

Moneysavingmama wrote: »

I have just found this thread while searching the internet for something I can relate to about miscarriage. Having seen my baby's heartbeat at 6 weeks, I started bleeding at 9 (last weekend) and had a scan which showed no heartbeat. 4 days ago I miscarried. I am absolutely devastated but no one seems to understand, except those who've been through it. I have 3 beautiful children and everyone keeps saying just look at them. I know they mean well but it's as if they are saying this baby didn't count. It did and only now do I realise how much. I am still in a lot of pain (is this normal?) although a scan showed everything had come away except a few small bits which would come away themselves in time.

Reading some of the recent comments I saw another MoneySavingMama which just made me cry some more - I don't even know why. I guess it's just good to relate to someone and I feel even more related to you!

I am so sorry for all your stories, especially those who've been through this more than once. I just never understood how devastating it is.

BTW, to those who've asked about cards/gifts, for me personally I have really appreciated anything as it felt like it was validating my baby's (short) life, where miscarriage is so often viewed as just a medical situation.

Sorry for nicking your name! It hasn't brought any of us much luck I do have a different MSE name I'v used for years, but didn't want anyone to know/recognise me when I was on <12wks thread.

I was absolutely devastated by my miscarriage, I still am. It was the most painful and heartbreaking experience I have ever been through. I have beed so !!!!!! off by no1 giving a !!!!!!, especially my OH. So many people class it as nothing, yes it was small, but it was a baby, tiny, but formed!!

Don't let anyone make you feel otherwise! If you don't grieve, you will regret it. BUT don't let it ruin/take over your life, think of your other children, don't let them see too much of your pain (its impossible to hide, but minimise)

With the comments on the other children, I agree a bit. It has really helped me to have my son, to hold him & to pull myself out of the dark for him. It also helps me to know if I can't have more children, I will cope, I have him & I will do my best for him.

Stay strong, keep positive, and you will cry, you have lost a baby, but you will get through xxxxx

SusanC_2

I don't think having a child (or children) already makes it harder or easier necessarily but I think it is different. If I had miscarried before I had a child I don't think I would have appreciated what I lost in the same way that I do (not that I think people don't but personally I don't think I would have). But on the other hand having a child already means I know it isn't impossible for me to have children and I do know I have at least one regardless of any future pregnancy outcomes. Also having a child already means that you are forced to carry on with a minimum level of your everyday life. In some ways this is hard when you just want to stay in bed all day or something but in some ways it is helpful as it can help with getting back to normal.

But I don't think the value or meaning of a life depends on the number of living siblings. Every child is valuable and treasured whether they are the first or not.

msb5262

SusanC wrote: »

I don't think the value or meaning of a life depends on the number of living siblings. Every child is valuable and treasured whether they are the first or not.

Beautifully expressed, SusanC. Thank you.

MsB x

money_saving_diva

When we had our mmc I found comfort in that we had a son already. It didn't make it any easier to cope with but as he was too young to understand it was nice to see him happy and playing when we were feeling so upset. My dh found it harder though. He said because we already had a son we knew what we had lost. As the weeks went on I also came to feel the same way as him.

It was 2 years this week that we found out we had lost our baby. It doesn't feel like 2 years. I still think about it every day and I realise now I will never get over it although the pain has got easier to live with iykwim. My dh remembered the anniversary and got me a card and flowers to say he knew it would be a hard day. That meant so much to me. I hadn't mentioned it and it meant so much that he remembered the anniversary. Although I also feel bad that we both still feel the pain.

We have had a daughter since and I thought having her would make it easier but I actually find it harder in a way. I watch her growing and day dream what our angel would have been like. But then I feel bad because without the angel we wouldn't have our beautiful daughter.

Miscarriage is so cruel and no one understands unless they have had one themselves.

Hugs to all of you xxx

Moneysavingmama

Thanks everyone for your comments. I agree, I am very blessed to have my children and they do keep me going when it would be easy to just hide away and cry. I think the physical fact of having the miscarriage is maybe not so hard - you know you have done it before and can probably do it again. However, the loss of a child is the same for anyone. Someone said to me today, "There'll be other babies" and all I could think was "I want this one". My baby is an individual person - unique and perfect. Just because no one got to see that on earth doesn't make it any less true. I miss him or her even though I didn't know them yet.

Maybe you've seen this before. A friend sent me it on a card this week and it expressed just what was deep in my heart:

How very softly
you tiptoed into my world.
Almost silently;
Only a moment you stayed.
But what an imprint
Your footprints have left
On my heart.

I have found some lovely poetry online that has helped me express my grief. I can't seem to post the link but if you search pregnancy loss ribbons, there is a page there with lots of quotes and poetry that I found really helpful.

x

Moneysavingmama

To Money Saving Diva, what a lovely husband you have to remember and mark that. I don't want to ever forget my baby. I hope the pain will become less but I want to be able to look back and smile that I had him or her for a short while. I think it is lovely to remember and for your husband to do it without prompting is really special.

Another quote I found this week was from the book I was reading, The Little Prince (by Antoine de Saint-Exupery):

"And when you are comforted (Time soothes sorrows) you will be happy to have known me" when the little prince has to return to his own planet far away. This really made me cry thinking, I am happy to have known I was pregnant and the joy that gave me for a short time. My baby was created and lives on in Heaven. Even though it has caused me pain, I wouldn't go back and undo the pregnancy.

MoneySavingMamma

I'm getting so frustrated!! Still no period 5wks+ , neg pg test, been BD but can't be !!!!!d! Just want to move forward! If I do get pg, I'm going to be so scared, but it's a step in the right direction! Had a drink tonight, been trying not to, but neg tests have that effect on me! I should be blooming is summer dresses floating over my bump, not hiding the weight gain (1stone!) from the pregnancy under drab baggy stuff.
Don't want to exercise as 2 miserable & scared to unattach any beans just starting to 'hang on' don't want to diet properly (my diets=starvation! I can't do salad etc, boo!)
I'm not big, 11stone, but nothing fits & I can't bear going shopping, I just know I'll end up in Mothercare!!
I can't believe nearly 5months of my life are wasted, TTC in Jan, pg in Feb, then just thinking baby,baby,baby since then. Now I have to start again, grrrrr!!!!

hulagirl79

Msm - nothing i can say will make any of what you are feeling any better but you are surrounded by people on here who understand and care.
Hugs to you.
Xx

MoneySavingMamma

hulagirl79 wrote: »

Msm - nothing i can say will make any of what you are feeling any better but you are surrounded by people on here who understand and care.
Hugs to you.
Xx

Thanks Hulagirl, overall I'm doing good in the real world, but on here I'm perhaps too honest! It's nice to let the feelings out, and hopefully help others who are feeling the same know there are others with the same thoughts! And we're not crazy for hurting, it's real for us.
Hope your doing ok, and enjoying Easter!

I do hope my rants help others, rather than making it worse!