Do I have right to take my daughter on holiday?

red_devil

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

Well, let's put it this way, I'm a bit older than you both. I thought I should at least have some idea of who I'm speaking to, so I've just glanced at a couple of other posts you have made.

The first thing that leaps out at me is that you say you tried to force her to have an abortion. Perhaps she never really forgave you for that? Perhaps the experience of being 16/17 and stuck in a freezing refuge for a year whilst you got on with University was more traumatic for her than you appreciate?

The way you write in your other posts, the 'voice' you use verges upon being described as condescending and somewhat pompous at times. You may not mean for this to be the impression you give, but you sound like a young man trying to be middleaged.

'But I just want to do everything as a family' can be interpreted that she can kiss goodbye to doing anything independently or resembling fun for the next fifteen years or so.

I may not approve, you may not approve, but your late teens and early twenties are the time when you are supposed to be going out most weekends, drinking too much or experimenting with substances. You don't want to do that - fair enough - but a large number of people will disagree with you.

Your ex is probably feeling the loss of any freedom more keenly than you because she is the one with the little one all day - you get to go out to work, after all, which, when you have a demanding toddler, sounds like fifty hours of time off every week.

In your other posts, you appear to have been squirrelling away money left, right and centre, planning to play the stock exchange, etc, etc. Great if you are simply a young bloke living at his parents', but not so attractive to someone who has gone from a violent home life, to pregnancy, to a boyfriend making major demands of her and nearly 'losing the plot' for want of a better phrase, to twelve months in a refuge with a baby, to the everyday life of caring for a child. Sounds like you have adopted a paternal role in your relationship. At 16, 17, 18, most people's energy is taken up in breaking free from parental constraints, not being expected to submit to more.

So you bought nappies. Great. So you should, but did she get bought a car so she doesn't have to wait for buses, or a handbag that she really liked? You obviously had the money for the six months after starting work, judging by the amounts you have put away. Was she ever asked if she would like to go to college, get a better future for herself, rather than just relying on you as the big man?

And then you don't like the friends she does have, refer to people as 'repulsive', and spend time on a website frequented by grandparents chatting about baking your own bread and cleaning windows with vinegar and newspaper?

It's a difficult thing to say 'NO' to a bloke waving a ring in your face, especially if the bloke concerned has had difficulty dealing with stress before and your only knowledge of marriage has been to see domestic violence and anger.

I'm not saying she's in the right, but fact is, you got a 16 year old pregnant. To someone as ridiculously old as me, that's a girl, not a woman - both physically and mentally not ready for mortgages, marriage and the day to day humdrum of the rest of her life.

You may be quite content building your portfolio and staying in on New Year's Eve, but you're expecting a lot of her.

By all means be sensible, get a home and a good job, set up proper arrangements for contact with the little one, keep to them and don't allow yourself to be so critical of your ex.

If nothing else, it does make it sound that you could be planning to snatch the little one away - dehumanising your ex, talking about your flesh and blood (the flesh and blood you wanted removed at first, remember? She certainly does) and then all the stuff about how respectable you are compared to her and her friends, beer in the baby bottles, etc - if I were her mother, I would be advising her not to agree to you taking the little one without a court order forcing her to do so, as I would be very worried that you would just never return from the French property.

But be careful not to eliminate all threat of laughter, joy or foolishness, or you could very well look in the mirror one morning and think '£$%^! I'm 39. What have I done with my life?'. You then have a good chance of becoming mean and bitter, like the readers of the Daily Mail - who hate everyone else and resent anyone who thinks slightly differently to them.

Money is nice, but it can't fill an emotional void. It doesn't give you happy memories or a hug when you are feeling low.

I hope you sort something out, beneficial to everyone. I believe that the only way you can sort it out is to go through a solicitor as it's getting nasty, probably on both sides.

And I am very sorry that this post is so long, but, as a previous poster said, you were always going to get an idea of her point of view from this board. Why else would you post here? I don't think you were really posting expecting everyone to go 'poor you, that's not fair', after all. I think you actually wanted something other than that.

hang on a minute you got a girl pregnant it takes two you know its not all his fault.

I disagree as well that you need to experiment with substances in your early twenties. Also If you have a child you have responsibilities and I wouldnt want my childs hair stinking of smoke either.

red_devil

snowmaid wrote: »

Can I ask why would anyone want to take a 2 year old purposely on holiday with them?!?!? :cool:


because its their child and they want to take them are you saying there are no two year olds that go away!

I think its nice he wants to take his child away so many men wouldnt bother!

ninky_2

OP i think you have to come to terms with the fact this relationship is over. i'm not sure you have yet. if there was no child between you then you would have no reason to see each other again and from your different attitudes to life it sounds like the relationship was never going to work long term.

regarding your child, it is great that you want to be a responsible dad. try to avoid using her though in any way to get one-up on your ex or try to control your exes life.

as other have said i think the best thing here is to get legal advice about what sort of access you can have. if you avoid emotionally blackmailing or criticizing your ex and instead concentrate on offering a good father figure you may find your ex actually comes around to the idea of you going on holiday with your child. for goodness sake, it will give her a break after all.

all of your descriptions of your ex are a character assassination. although you may have some irrational feelings surely despite these you can see that you were not meant to be together? there are plenty of others out there who will share your lifestyle choices and values. i'm sure you will find a more compatible partner in time. you need to start seeing that in fact you had a lucky escape from an unhappy marriage here.

snowmaid

red_devil wrote: »

snowmaid wrote: »

Can I ask why would anyone want to take a 2 year old purposely on holiday with them?!?!? :cool:


because its their child and they want to take them are you saying there are no two year olds that go away!

I think its nice he wants to take his child away so many men wouldnt bother!

*sigh* :cool:

ninky_2

OP, you and your ex might want to consider shared custody as an option. however, this will require a high level of maturity from you both.

http://www.separateddads.co.uk/SharedCustodyOfYourChildren.html

red_devil

snowmaid wrote: »

red_devil wrote: »

*sigh* :cool:

no sigh to you! Are you saying that no parents with 2 year olds have hols?

Gingham_Ribbon

snowmaid wrote: »

red_devil wrote: »

*sigh* :cool:

Snowmaid, anyone who lives day to day with their child knows that a holiday with them may be harder work than going without them. But someone who doesn't get to spend every day with their child can surely be expected to long to have a holiday with them, playing, bonding, doing exciting things.

Unless the child is in danger with the non resident parent, they SHOULD be going on holiday with them.

red_devil

well said and if parents didnt offer to take their children away parents would moan and say they never offer to take them away you know!

angelsmomma

I have read the whole of this post.

2 years ago my ex left me and my son without a backward glance while he dated and wed a new wife (number 3).

He came back after 2 years and went all out for his parental rights of our then 6 year old. I was so angry and fought him all the way, like the op's case he asked me to have an abortion and left for a year when I refused. I never did forgive him and guess that was why we never made it together.

The court did eventually give him his rights and I now have to hand over our son when it suits him. He never gives much notice despite the court telling him he should give me his work rota when he gets it monthly.

The thing is though our son loves being with him and I have no doubt that he loves our son so I suck it up because that is all that matters in the end.

I have to put up with our son coming home saying dad said you need to do this or that but I deal with it by not actually talking to him at all. We email and text on a phone that I keep just for him to phone son and text me.

You need to calm down, see the csa and a family solicitor for the sake of your child

lindsaygalaxy

Sorry but I think 10 days is too long for a child that young to be away from her mother that she sees everyday.