Dealing with aged parents

bestpud

Oh gosh, we are having a similar problem at the moment.

It is my fil - as I am separated from my ex, he lives back home with his dad and his one sister.

He has health problems but he's 81 and has been pretty fit and active until recently - still drives as he lives in the sticks and likes to get out and talk to people.

These recent problems seem to have shaken him quite badly though and he's had someone with him constantly for the last few weeks. DD(17) and I have been a few times each, and my ex's siblings have too, but when people work full time, the annual leave starts to diminish rapidly!

There is five of them but two are self-employed and cannot afford to take too many days off. The other three are employed but, like I said, have to use annual leave.

At the moment, the two living with him have juggled their hours a bit so it is less time to cover during the day and, this morning, I have said I will go there at 11am to see how he gets on alone for an hour (sil doesn't leave until just before 10am).

The trouble is, it is alarming how dependent he has become and we are having to ensure we do no more for him than absolutely necessary iyswim? It is mostly about building his confidence again now.

He too cries wolf a lot and my ex had to be clear with him the other day that he is risking them not rushing to help at the very time he may actually need an immediate response!

He has him up half the night because he gets afraid of being alone (he's started banging the bedroom floor as he sleeps downstairs now), but then he sleeps all day, and of course my ex can't as he has to work!

It's very difficult to know what to do for the best...

Sorry, that turned into a bit of an essay but I know how you feel - it's hard, isn't it!

The only thing I can suggest is you share the load as far as is possible. My ex is quite lucky really that me and him get on ok, and I am prepared to help as I think a lot of my fil, and also, the one brother who can't be there much will ring every lunch time and have a chat with his dad.

I think it will help a lot if you have set times when you call or visit, so he knows where he is? It must be hard sitting around and not knowing when or if someone will turn up that day...?

My fil would benefit a lot from a day centre as he likes to be with people and, living in the middle of nowhere doesn't help! He is seeing his GP later and my ex is going to request a social services assessment to see if there is anything they can do.

The other thing we have considered is installing a telecall system to give him and his children some peace of mind. My nan had one as she was prone to falls and it helped her a lot. Have you thought about that at all?

Blackpool_Saver

Listen to me you ignoramus, you have posted on here loads of times, in that time you COULD have phoned your old and scared Dad, I hope your kids treat you better when you get to his age, I doubt they will though because they will be watching YOUR EXAMPLE of how to behave.

How about taking your kids down to Dad's and showing them how to care about an elderly relative.

!!!!!! swimming lessons for a while, teach them and yourself how to be more caring.

[Deleted User]

Please read my initial post before posting.

How many times?

I AM NOT INTERESTED IN YOUR OPINION ABOUT HOW MANY TIMES I SHOULD GO AND SEE MY DAD. GOT IT?

[Deleted User]

Blackpool_Saver wrote: »

Listen to me you ignoramus, you have posted on here loads of times, in that time you COULD have phoned your old and scared Dad, I hope your kids treat you better when you get to his age, I doubt they will though because they will be watching YOUR EXAMPLE of how to behave.

How about taking your kids down to Dad's and showing them how to care about an elderly relative.

!!!!!! swimming lessons for a while, teach them and yourself how to be more caring.

BTW. Not that its any of your business but my son also visits my Dad every time I go there.

[Deleted User]

OK. Those who just want to have a go - please ignore this post and go away.

margaretclare

Reading bestpud's post, and all the remarks on here by different people, I wonder how long it will be before I become like the people being written about - 'old and scared dad' and all the rest of it. DH and I are this age - mid-70s - and we do not yet feel old!!! DH is famous for saying he has a 22-year old brain in a 75-year old body.

Must rush, gotta deposit him at the surgery for his diabetic retinopathy screening and then drive on to my adult beginners' swimming class at 11 am. Aqua-aerobics was yesterday, and we're having a friend from York to lunch. DH and I have made a life for ourselves very far from any family members and we would not expect any of them to come running - they couldn't anyway. My closest blood relative is 250 miles north of here.

Blackpool_Saver

Three posts Paul, I hope I made you think, try to empathise a little more.

bestpud

margaretclare wrote: »

Reading bestpud's post, and all the remarks on here by different people, I wonder how long it will be before I become like the people being written about - 'old and scared dad' and all the rest of it. DH and I are this age - mid-70s - and we do not yet feel old!!! DH is famous for saying he has a 22-year old brain in a 75-year old body.

Must rush, gotta deposit him at the surgery for his diabetic retinopathy screening and then drive on to my adult beginners' swimming class at 11 am. Aqua-aerobics was yesterday, and we're having a friend from York to lunch. DH and I have made a life for ourselves very far from any family members and we would not expect any of them to come running - they couldn't anyway. My closest blood relative is 250 miles north of here.

I'm not sure if you are suggesting we aren't doing our best for my fil, because I can assure you that is not the case!

But anyway, with regard to your post and the way you lead your life, that's the alarming part!

My fil is 81 and until literally a month ago, he was out and about every day in his car, visiting people and wandering about doing what he enjoys.

Now he is too afraid to be left alone... He doesn't live alone, as I said, but he is afraid to be alone at all.

One of the things he keeps saying is he got to 80 feeling fine and then all of a sudden he feels all alone and he can't understand it.

It's awful for him, and us who are caring for him, as he is a shell of himself.

All I can say is enjoy it because I am sure he didn't foresee this, and I know we didn't! He is one of those people who you just think will never get old iykwim? That goes for all of us, old or young imo!

margaretclare

No, I wasn't suggesting any such thing, bestpud - nothing was further from my mind!!

This is what worries me:

But anyway, with regard to your post and the way you lead your life, that's the alarming part!

My fil is 81 and until literally a month ago, he was out and about every day in his car, visiting people and wandering about doing what he enjoys.

Now he is too afraid to be left alone... He doesn't live alone, as I said, but he is afraid to be alone at all.

One of the things he keeps saying is he got to 80 feeling fine and then all of a sudden he feels all alone and he can't understand it.

He got to 80 feeling fine...now feels all alone and can't understand it.

This is scary.

Savvy_Sue

bestpud, would your fil accept it if the GP suggested he saw a counsellor, or 'someone to talk things over with?'

Because that might help.