Dealing with aged parents

[Deleted User]

OK not strictly money saving although it might save me petrol if I sorted this out.

My Dad is 75, and lives alone about 25 miles away from me. Over the last few years, hes had a few health problems admitedly, but he seems to be getting almost obsessed by things. Hes continually talking about it, moaning, and I'm concerned hes turning into a bit of a hypochrondriac.

He had a few teeth out just after Xmas. Not nice at the best of the times admitedly. However, he got himself into such a state worrying about it afterwards because the dentist had told him to watch out for excessive bleeding (he takes warfarin), that he phoned my brother and insisted he take him to hospital. My brother turned up and took him. Got to hospital and there was NO bleeding at all and they send him home.

He also got an infection there last week so the dentist gave him anti-biotics. He phoned me early on Saturday saying he was really ill, hadnt slept, had problems breathing and could I take him to the out of hours doctor.

So I rush over there. Nothing wrong at all with his breathing - made that up. Got to see the doctor. No temparature, no high blood pressure nothing. Doctor pretty much told him to go home and take painkillers, and see his dentist next week.

Of course, wife is not pleased that I'm continually running around like this. Shes a nurse so shes got an understanding of some of his health issues.
She thinks I should be annoyed that he made up the breathing difficulties thing - which he did. And of course hes crying wolf here so I wont know when to believe him when he is really ill.

I think the underlying cause though is that my dad is having problems coping with old age. Hes always seen doctors as someone who you go to and see if theres anything wrong and magically they make things go away. And, of course, thats not true.

However, if he gets the slightest cough or sneeze hes off to the doctors regardless...

What should I do?

splishsplash

It sounds like he could be feeling a little lonely, and probably has too much time on his hands.

Is there a Day Centre of any kind nearby that he could visit regularly? Or any activity groups or anything that would get him involved in something?

Best of luck.

[Deleted User]

splishsplash wrote: »

It sounds like he could be feeling a little lonely, and probably has too much time on his hands.

Is there a Day Centre of any kind nearby that he could visit regularly? Or any activity groups or anything that would get him involved in something?

Best of luck.

I guess he is a little lonely at the moment because hes been stuck in the house because of the snow etc.

Otherwise, hes out and about every day. Down betting shop etc. Got neighbours he speaks to. Goes to workingmens club once/twice a week. Plays bowls once a week.

Me and brother visit him about once a week.

Susan_Frost

You seem to have a better understanding of your dad than your wife, even though she is a nurse.

Had this problem recently with my mum, and it seemed to boil down to a lack of confidence.

No, it is out of order to be crying wolf, what we started to do was to question more closely before we went flying down there. i.e. would say she had phoned an ambulance, so we started to say we would ring A&E in half and hour and get ourselves down there when they could say what was happening, then she would admit, not actually phoned them.



How long has dad been on his own, does he know people close by, does he socialise at all. If not, are there any local, social type, groups he could go to. May not want to on his own.

Has he always been fixated on his health, or is this relatively recent.

I know it is difficult, especially when you are not just on hand. Not quite knowin which way to jump.

But also, when he has cried wolf, have you sat down with him afterwards and explained the implications of doing that - and that eventually he may not be believed. Challenge him on not having said the truth. "Why did you say .... when that is just not true".

I dont know your dad, but possibly lonely, frightened. Can you all devise a contingency plan that he understands to help re-assure him.

Get him the number of the out of hours doctor, his GP, ambulance, etc. and put a list next to his telephone.

Unsure what else to suggest at the moment.

Dont be too hard on him, but you also have to look after yourself a bit too.

Good luck

Edit : this crossed with your second post.

[Deleted User]

Susan_Frost wrote: »

You seem to have a better understanding of your dad than your wife, even though she is a nurse.

Had this problem recently with my mum, and it seemed to boil down to a lack of confidence.

No, it is out of order to be crying wolf, what we started to do was to question more closely before we went flying down there. i.e. would say she had phoned an ambulance, so we started to say we would ring A&E in half and hour and get ourselves down there when they could say what was happening, then she would admit, not actually phoned them.

How long has dad been on his own, does he know people close by, does he socialise at all. If not, are there any local, social type, groups he could go to. May not want to on his own.

Has he always been fixated on his health, or is this relatively recent.

I know it is difficult, especially when you are not just on hand. Not quite knowin which way to jump.

But also, when he has cried wolf, have you sat down with him afterwards and explained the implications of doing that - and that eventually he may not be believed. Challenge him on not having said the truth. "Why did you say .... when that is just not true".

I dont know your dad, but possibly lonely, frightened. Can you all devise a contingency plan that he understands to help re-assure him.

Get him the number of the out of hours doctor, his GP, ambulance, etc. and put a list next to his telephone.

Unsure what else to suggest at the moment.

Dont be too hard on him, but you also have to look after yourself a bit too.

Good luck

Thanks Susan.

Dad has been on his own for almost 20 years. I dont think thats the problem. As you can see from my previous post he has quite a decent social life.

Frightened maybe. Like I said, seems to be having problems facing up to his health being not so good as he gets older.

My wife went through something similar with her mother. When her dad died about 7-8 years ago, she pretty much expected her kids to visit her every day and do everything for her. She had to be hard on her to stop this.

Thing is its difficult to talk to my Dad about it. He gets defensive and upset and says he wished he hadnt called me etc. Although, I did tell him that this last thing was not needed and that it had been a waste of time.

I dont know - I just dont want him not calling me if its something serious. But like my wife said, if its serious, no good calling me - I live 30 mins + away. Better off to get an ambulance.

Funny thing is I remember my Nan being like this. The things she used to make my Dad and his brothers/sisters too. I remember how much my Dad moaned she was playing him up. Funny cos thats him now !!!

SugarSpun

It seems that the older people get the smaller their worlds get - the more they're limited in getting out and about the more time they have to think about the things they have going on - it sounds like your dad's enforced house-time because of the snow has left him with a lot of time to think himself into health problems IYSWIM.

I'd make the effort to call him more often, and when he complains of health problems question him more closely to be sure he isn't exaggerating or playing the hypochondriac. It will probably calm down again once he's out and about because he'll have less time to worry.

Errata

OP - cast your mind back and remember all the times your dad ran around after you when your were a kid.
It's payback time.

ceridwen

SugarSpun wrote: »

It seems that the older people get the smaller their worlds get - the more they're limited in getting out and about the more time they have to think about the things they have going on - it sounds like your dad's enforced house-time because of the snow has left him with a lot of time to think himself into health problems IYSWIM.

I'd make the effort to call him more often, and when he complains of health problems question him more closely to be sure he isn't exaggerating or playing the hypochondriac. It will probably calm down again once he's out and about because he'll have less time to worry.

Well - thats not true of all old people - but I can certainly think of one or two old people that have nothing much to do with their time - so keep demanding attention from others one way or another (not my parents I add - its all I can do to get my parents to accept any advice/help sometimes....). But there are certainly some for whom "time hangs heavy" - so they in turn "hang heavy" on others. I think its sometimes difficult for those who havent had to do a job for some years to appreciate JUST how much time/energy goes in holding down a job and doing other "life maintenance" type things before one actually HAS some time to call ones own on the one hand - versus many people do waste hours a week watching tv on the other hand - so its difficult for those who have more time on their hands (because of being retired) to understand which category those they know come into sometimes.

Its going to be difficult for you to strike a happy balance between being there if you are really needed on the one hand and being at "beck and call" because he has nothing much else to do with his time/think of on the other hand. Good luck with working this out - and I guess it does boil down to some "close questioning" to ascertain the accurate "state of play" each time....

talkhard

It sounds to me like he misses his family and its the only way, he feels, he can get your attention.

It can be very frustrating however, living 30 miles away as you have a life too.

I think more social input would be great for him as the first thing I thought of was lack of company. Maybe he isn't getting out as much as he used to. Or maybe he has a lack of confidence with going out on his own?

Have a chat with Social Services or a Red Cross service in your area. They maybe able to advise on community centre groups or maybe a volunteer that could sit with your dad for a couple of hours a day for company or to take him out.

Hope this helps x

[Deleted User]

Errata wrote: »

OP - cast your mind back and remember all the times your dad ran around after you when your were a kid.
It's payback time.

thanks for the unhelpful advice.

[Deleted User]

Well hes been back to the dentist (for the 5 or 6th time). I must admit I feel sorry for the dentist now.

Dentist has told him that he cant have any more anti-biotics and just needs to take painkillers. Hes told him to come back in 5 days and he'll check its healing ok.

Father also mentioned dentist said he could visit the local dental hospital if he liked or he (the dentist) could treat him. Sounds like Dad has been having a go at him (as he does) and the dentist has said something like go to the dental hospital if you're not happy.

Hes still moaning big time though. I get the same phrase for every illness be it knee, hip, teeth, chest - "This is the worse pain I've ever had". Its getting a bit samey now.