Dealing with aged parents

SugarSpun

ceridwen wrote: »

Well - thats not true of all old people - but I can certainly think of one or two old people that have nothing much to do with their time - so keep demanding attention from others one way or another

My aunt was the most independent woman ever right up into her 80s - I once asked her if she needed me to bend down and get something for her and she looked me in the eye as she reached down, touched her toes with straight legs and then did a full circuit of Tai Chi. Sadly she had a fall a couple of years ago and has since become virtually housebound and much like the OP's Dad - I think everyone has the capacity to become overconcerned with their health or something, but their worlds first have to shrink around them.

flossyblog

Are you actually listening to what your father is saying.

Are you doing anything to allievate his fears.

It's quite easy to dismiss oldies as just moaning. I'm sure there's an underlying reason, you just need to find out what it is. Spend time with your father, not just to ferry him to appointiments. He needs assurance that he is listened to and taken serioulsy. Put yourself in his position.

have a look at ageconcern webite for ideas

http://www.ageconcern.org.uk/

Person_one

Errata wrote: »

OP - cast your mind back and remember all the times your dad ran around after you when your were a kid.
It's payback time.

Absolutely not. I hate this attitude. Parents have a responsibility to take care of their children because, er, they made them!

Fuzzy_Duck

Errata wrote: »

OP - cast your mind back and remember all the times your dad ran around after you when your were a kid.
It's payback time.

Not true. OP could very well have children of his own to look after. And even if he doesn't, he still has a wife, a job and a social life that will be interfered with. I don't see why anyone should have to give up their adult life for their parents- there's a big difference between helping your parents out as much as possible and having to be there 24/7, especially when it's a 'crying wolf' situation like this one.

Unfortunately I have no decent advice and my parents are having a similar problem with my grandparents at the moment. All I can suggest is you and your brother having a discussion with your father. Try to establish why he is alway convinced he's ill (as he may not be a hypochrondriac, he may just want to see you both and know you will come running). If he is a hypochrondriac see his GP and explain the situation. If he admits to making it up I think you should be firm that you can't always come and see him, and the more he lies about being ill the less likely you will believe him when he is actually unwell.

It does sound to me like he has a healthy social life and I think you both do well to see him once a week. Sorry I can't be more helpful but I wish you luck and hope you get this sorted for your sake and your dad's.

[Deleted User]

Cheers Fuzzy. Yes, I do have a young child to look after. He missed his swimming lesson on Saturday because of the 'emergency'.

sleepless_saver

I don't want to worry you, but I can relate to what you're saying as I have a relative who suddenly started having odd ideas about her health. For example, she imagined she still had infections which she had already been treated successfully for and that these infections were causing various symptoms (which were not apparent to anyone else) . It wasn't loneliness or just a simple need for reassurance, turned out to be an early sign of a type of vascular dementia.

Possibly more common is depression which in older people can often take the form of preoccupation with health even if they don't seem depressed on the surface. So the diagnosis is often missed. It can be very successfully treated in older folk.

I'm not saying either of these are what is happening to your father, but if it continues and he really doesn't seem rational about it, it might be worth asking for a psychogeriatric assessment.

Pee

If you usually go once a week, I would make it clear that an emergency means you will have to reschedule other things i.e. taking child swimming, so won't be able to come over twice.

I would not tell your dad that this is anything to do with your wife. There can quite often be enough resentment between parents and partners.

Presumably your wife will understand that there are mental as well as physical issues here.

Your Dad is scared and ill and probably did do a lot for you when you were younger. It is up to you what you do for him now, but bear in mind your small child will form his own opinion of what he should do for you and his mother based on the example that you set here.

Going to see him once a week seems perfectly reasonable. As long as you are happy in yourself that you are doing all you can, you should be patient and understanding when you are with him or speak to him and try not to dwell on it the rest of the time.

*Chattie*

[quote=[Deleted User];28966471]I guess he is a little lonely at the moment because hes been stuck in the house because of the snow etc.

Otherwise, hes out and about every day. Down betting shop etc. Got neighbours he speaks to. Goes to workingmens club once/twice a week. Plays bowls once a week.

Me and brother visit him about once a week.[/QUOTE]

Why don't you phone him every night just to check he is okay then

Oldernotwiser

Person_one wrote: »

Absolutely not. I hate this attitude. Parents have a responsibility to take care of their children because, er, they made them!

And adult children have a responsibility to look after their elderly parents; that's what families are all about.

whitewing

Could he move closer to you or your brother? A home? (My friends' experiences show they resist the idea but wish they had done it sooner when they d get into a good home/warden controlled flat etc etc).

If he were nearer it would be easier to pop by for a few minutes more regularly.

Meals on wheels? (Do they still do that?)