Child wanting to please both parents

miss.bint

Sorry, just read through the whole of the thread... I didn't realise your EX's new GF has kids too.
It's sounds like he's not adjusting to them at all. I agree that he's probably seeing the other kids as competition and probably feels inferior to them when he goes to stay, as they are there all the time. He feels as though it's their home. Not his.

He DOES need to spend some time alone with his dad. His dad needs to see that he has to get that trust back.
But your EX sounds like he is too busy trying to please other people.
Can't see the wood for the trees springs to mind....


Write him a letter. Or better still print off this thread and give it to him.
Show him just how worried you are that you've asked for advice on this forum.

HTH xxx

child359

miss.bint wrote: »

We have a similar situation, but on the 'other' side of the fence...

Myself & my OH have had shared care of his DD (who's 8) for almost 2 years now.
Although she has fun with us and her baby sister, she feels bad when she's with us and not her mum. Like she feels guilty that she's not there with her.

OH & her mum split almost 6 years ago too and until a couple of years ago, she would stay every other weekend until we moved from Manchester to Wigan to be closer to her. Needless to say the transition was and is very hard.

DD never calls her dad when she's with her mum, yet when she's with us she calls her mum every night before bed or after school.
Some days she can't wait to get home, so we drop her off early. Other days we tell her to stop being silly and that she will see her mum in a couple of hours.
OH knows how it is and it really upsets him. It's like she doesn't want to be here sometimes, but that's just how it is.

It's all about loyalties. Because DS spends more time with you, he feels bad and guilty when he's with his dad. Maybe also a bit of separation anxiety?!
I went through something similar when I was a kid. I just grew out of it.

I wouldn't worry too much about it. Maybe you need to take a different approach and tell him that this is how things are now and he needs to learn to accept that. Also, encourage him to have fun and do fun things with his dad & GF. Maybe next time he goes to visit, send him over him a board game or something that they can all play and join in together.

I understand your EX's hostility with your son's mobile phone. I think that's going over the top just a bit and I would be a little offended if I were him. It's like you don't really trust your EX to look after him. Just my opinion

I know its hard seeing your DS upset, but after all, he is his dad. xx

I do trust my ex to look after him otherwise I wouldn't send him!
I am not checking up on what ex is doing...just seeing how my DS is who regulary comes back saying he has been crying and wanting to come and isn't allowed to.
g/f wouldn't allow anything from my house for them to play with and quite frankly I would be more offended if I was her by that than any calls/texts!
As a parent am I not allowed to speak to my son who I know can be upset?
It is hard seeing DS upset. I have seen this for 4 years and done everything in my power to help elivate that.
When ex wasn't with g/f he didn't do anything with DS and he was saying he was bored. I regulary sent stuff over for them to play with together and even bought a book with walks around their area for them to do together.

It s very hard not to be emotionally attached to DS especially when ex messes with his head it is me that is punched, kicked,hit, slapped, cuddling him to sleep when he is upset and making everything that ex does wrong right again.

miss.bint

child359 wrote: »

I do trust my ex to look after him otherwise I wouldn't send him!
I am not checking up on what ex is doing...just seeing how my DS is who regulary comes back saying he has been crying and wanting to come and isn't allowed to.
g/f wouldn't allow anything from my house for them to play with and quite frankly I would be more offended if I was her by that than any calls/texts!
As a parent am I not allowed to speak to my son who I know can be upset?
It is hard seeing DS upset. I have seen this for 4 years and done everything in my power to help elivate that.
When ex wasn't with g/f he didn't do anything with DS and he was saying he was bored. I regulary sent stuff over for them to play with together and even bought a book with walks around their area for them to do together.

It s very hard not to be emotionally attached to DS especially when ex messes with his head it is me that is punched, kicked,hit, slapped, cuddling him to sleep when he is upset and making everything that ex does wrong right again.

Does your DS have to sleep over at your EX's?
I think it might be worth just letting DS spend just the day with your EX for a while and not the weekend - would that be possible?

If it has got to the point where your DS is hitting out at you because of his dad then I would personally stop him going there until your EX realises he needs to pull his finger out and put his son first.

You have to deal with the consequences after all. Like you said, you have to pick up the pieces.

I'd go to a solicitor and see where you stand.

xxx

child359

miss.bint wrote: »

Does your DS have to sleep over at your EX's?
I think it might be worth just letting DS spend just the day with your EX for a while and not the weekend - would that be possible?

If it has got to the point where your DS is hitting out at you because of his dad then I would personally stop him going there until your EX realises he needs to pull his finger out and put his son first.

You have to deal with the consequences after all. Like you said, you have to pick up the pieces.

I'd go to a solicitor and see where you stand.

xxx

Ex would not allow him not to stay over.

When DS was hitting me he did for 2.5 years after the split. He will do it every now and again when things get really bad for him.

When things are bad that is when the sleeps are reduced to one overnight stay.

Hence why this thread was started, I do not want the situation to get any worse than it already is because DS will inevitably suffer and get worse and I wanted advice because quite frankly I am at last resort state.

It tears me apart to see my son disintergrate before my eyes and feel powerless to be able to help him or prevent what is happening to him.

valkirn

Tbh brutally honest hun if i was in your situation i really would reduce your sons visits until you and your ex can come to some sort of agreement where by he spends time alone with his son (even if you get brutal and so through a solicitor or a contact centre) and have met the g/f as i really do think the g/f's children and her insecurities are affecting your sons relationship with his dad

The other thing that really stood out was you not being allowed to contact your son while he is with his dad and him not being allowed to contact you while he is there well im sorry but thats just out of order in my book and there is no way id ever let my daughter out of my sight if i wasnt allowed to contact her or her contact me while she was away from me (my eldest daughter is a very sensitive child and like your son wont say how she feels/wants etc to her bio dad yet can be extreamly gobby towards my oh)

child359

valkirn wrote: »

Tbh brutally honest hun if i was in your situation i really would reduce your sons visits until you and your ex can come to some sort of agreement where by he spends time alone with his son (even if you get brutal and so through a solicitor or a contact centre) and have met the g/f as i really do think the g/f's children and her insecurities are affecting your sons relationship with his dad

The other thing that really stood out was you not being allowed to contact your son while he is with his dad and him not being allowed to contact you while he is there well im sorry but thats just out of order in my book and there is no way id ever let my daughter out of my sight if i wasnt allowed to contact her or her contact me while she was away from me (my eldest daughter is a very sensitive child and like your son wont say how she feels/wants etc to her bio dad yet can be extreamly gobby towards my oh)

Thank you.

Ex would undoubtably go to see a solicitor over contact. I have no problem over that just I know that DS will become upset that he can't see Dad or can't see him as much as he likes.

Thank you for your comments about the contact I was beginning to feel like I was strange for wanting to know my son is alright.
He is a sensitive soul, bless him.

I wasn't allowed to drop off DS at her house on Boxing Day, ex arranged to meet me away from the house!! DS was appalled at this and got quite angry saying "you are my Mummy I want you there" I assurred him it was fine and Daddy obviously needed to come out for another reason.

When I questioned why I was allowed to go there ex said because DS would have asked me inside to see his presents and toys and ex didn't want me put in that situation.
I couldn't believe it. I said "of course the last thing I would have wanted to do was come inside however for the sake of my sons wishes I would have done it, played along with it like I enjoyed it becase that is what my son wanted!!!
I couldn't believe that was the reason why I hadn't been allowed there!!! I also think she didn't want me there as well!!!!

Valli

Nixer wrote: »

Poor little lad. Look I don't have kids, and I may be talking out of my bum here, but I actually think it is quite cruel to make a child hug someone if they don't want to. Once, maybe, it's a bit funny if the kids screws up their face and says "yuk" or whatever, but it sounds like it's a regular thing that he's really uncomfortable about. Does your son need to feel in control a bit more? I've no idea how you assertiveness train a small boy though but probably something like reinforcement and reassurance - keep telling him it is ok not to do things that he isn't comfortable with and to say "I don't want to".

Is there a sensible grandparent or relative who could have a word with your ex? It's fairly obvious that if it carries on, as your son gets older he will either refuse to go or start playing up/standing up to his Dad. Someone needs to make the ex see that he is going to screw up his relationship with his son, but that someone isn't you as he clearly won't listen.

d'you know you might not HAVE kids but that is an insightful post! I have thanked it but I wanted to point out how blimmin' sensible it is!:T:T:T
and you're NOT talking out of yer bum!

Valli

vik6525 wrote: »

.....Like the time I had to go over to the ginga ninjas dads house, and tell him that our boy was coming home smelling of cat wee, and would he mind just ferkin cleaning once in a while.......

I had to point out to mine that as neither he nor I smoked and both our kids had had asthma allowing them to be smoked in front of by his skanky mother and brother was (a)not on and (b) upsetting them - because THEY felt they couldn't say anything - just came home and whinged to me about it (and smelled of fags:rolleyes:) and they were older than the OPs son...but too 'shy' to say anything to HIM.
(I did not refer to his skanky mother as his skanky mother in front of them but sheesh she gives Grandmas a bad name - DD told me she liked my family more than her dad's and I had to gently point out to her that she needed to keep THAT opinion to herself - because if HE heard it it would not be (in his opinion) her thoughts but my poisoning!)

valkirn

child359 wrote: »

Thank you.

Ex would undoubtably go to see a solicitor over contact. I have no problem over that just I know that DS will become upset that he can't see Dad or can't see him as much as he likes.

Thank you for your comments about the contact I was beginning to feel like I was strange for wanting to know my son is alright.
He is a sensitive soul, bless him.

I wasn't allowed to drop off DS at her house on Boxing Day, ex arranged to meet me away from the house!! DS was appalled at this and got quite angry saying "you are my Mummy I want you there" I assurred him it was fine and Daddy obviously needed to come out for another reason.

When I questioned why I was allowed to go there ex said because DS would have asked me inside to see his presents and toys and ex didn't want me put in that situation.
I couldn't believe it. I said "of course the last thing I would have wanted to do was come inside however for the sake of my sons wishes I would have done it, played along with it like I enjoyed it becase that is what my son wanted!!!
I couldn't believe that was the reason why I hadn't been allowed there!!! I also think she didn't want me there as well!!!!

Just reading this has made me quite angry for you... im a mum to 3 and step mum to 2 more too and i would never dare not let the mother of my step children drop her own children off, (might get a little narked having her in my house as ive met her and she can be quite uppity and has a nasty habit of making snide remarks about things) but at the end of the day she is their mum and has the right to say how she would like things to happen just as my oh has the right to say yes/no thats not/is convenient its all about give and take and while the the step children are here they share a room and my 3 share a room, and i certainly wouldn't ever stop a child from contacting someone if they wanted to even if its just to say goodnight, love you!

As much as your ex is trying to play happy families there has to be some ground rules made and you need to sit down with your son and ask him what he wants to do and really put your foot down with his dad, and if this means you seeking a solicitors advise on what to do (which is hard in its self) then do so, that way your are protecting your sons wishes (ie if he needs to phone and say goodnight to you x)

child359

Valli wrote: »

I had to point out to mine that as neither he nor I smoked and both our kids had had asthma allowing them to be smoked in front of by his skanky mother and brother was (a)not on and (b) upsetting them - because THEY felt they couldn't say anything - just came home and whinged to me about it (and smelled of fags:rolleyes:) and they were older than the OPs son...but too 'shy' to say anything to HIM.
(I did not refer to his skanky mother as his skanky mother in front of them but sheesh she gives Grandmas a bad name - DD told me she liked my family more than her dad's and I had to gently point out to her that she needed to keep THAT opinion to herself - because if HE heard it it would not be (in his opinion) her thoughts but my poisoning!)

:T:T:T:T:T:T:T:T

You see I have had no problem in telling him that by not giving him one single piece of fruit or vegetables over three days is not good for his health!
and also that when having him for three days that a bath/shower/wash on one of those days would be advisable:rolleyes: