Child wanting to please both parents

child359

I am writing on here for a last resort I am really at a loss of what to do.

Since my ex hubby and I seperated and 4 years ago our son who is now 7 years old (was 2.5 years old when split) has taken it really badly. To the point that he has had to go into therapy twice within the last two years.

DS lives with me and sees his Dad once a fortnight for 2 overnight stays. Initially DS only wanted 1 overnight stay and this has increased about 1 year ago to 2 nights.
He has never wanted to speak to his Dad when not with him despite me always asking if/suggesting he wants to ring Daddy but similarly not wanted to sepak to me either when with his Dad because he says it upsets him too much and wants to come home.

On quite a few occasions he has ended up coming home early from his Dad because he wants to be back home.

His Dad has issues about him contacting me when he is with him and on more than 3 occasions my DS has asked to ring home (which would have taken him a lot to even ask!!) and to actually come home and has been denied it each time. DS then comes home in floods of tears upset because he couldn't contact me.

Have spoken to ex about it on numerous occasions but he says that he can always ask him to use the phone but DS won't. (Think it is due to DS not wanting to upset father)

Anyway after Christmas DS went to his Dads and asked to ring and come home. Again denied and when he came home very upset about it.
So I gave him a mobile phone. Explained just for emergencies. PAYG.
DS loves it. Is really respectful of it.

Anyway his Dad has gone ballistic!!!!!! first weekend he took the phone off DS and this weekend refused to allow DS to even take it with him.

I have had about 3 lengthy conversations with ex over this, explained how it makes DS feel more comfortable, something DS wants but he won't have any of it.

I don't know where to go next now and what to do! Don't want my DS to go downhill and go back into therapy (am so scared of that!!) but don't know how to resolve the situation.

Any ideas????

Jo_R_2

What exactly is your ex-DH saying when you are discussing this - why does he have a problem with DS contacting you?

child359

Jo_R wrote: »

What exactly is your ex-DH saying when you are discussing this - why does he have a problem with DS contacting you?

He says he doesn't want him "worrying" about using his mobile - which I assurred him he doesn't worry about it and in fact he likes it.
He says he wants him to enjo his time with him and have fun. - have told him he would enjoy it more if he felt he could mention me or contact me.

I believe he thinks that I will be checking up on him which is not true at all. Prior to him having a mobile becuse ex gf had a problem with it I never used to contact ex to see how my DS was doing when with him because I knew it would cause a problem between ex and his g/f and didn't want my DS seeing/hearing that.
Prior to ex getting with g/f wuld text about twice a weekend to see if he was O.K.

kindofagilr

It sounds to me that DS doesnt have fun at Ex's and doesnt want to be there, can you not point this out to Ex and advise that if he keeps behaving in this way then DS wont be coming around anymore (as it doesnt look as though DS wants to be there?)

Valli

Although you say in your earlier post that when your son is with you he never wants to talk to his daddy I think you could try encouraging your son to phone his dad - but with positive stuff, so if he has done well at school or achieved a new milestone you could put on a happy face and tell him how pleased and/or proud his daddy will be when he hears. Then encourage your DS to phone his daddy. Because of course, although mummy and daddy no longer live together they both love DS very much and you are sure daddy would want to hear this news. Perhaps if daddy were receiving phone calls when DS is with you he will be happier with DS making phone calls to you when he's there.

I do know what you're going through though, and how hard it is but when DS is listening/looking how you talk about daddy has to be positive and supportive. It's very hard and it's fantastic if both parents can have a rational discussion although I do know how hard that can be...

I also know, to my cost, that kids hear things they shouldn't when they are at their dads - when it comes back to you (and it most likely will) you have to rise above it and say nothing and it is SO HARD.

Children are past masters at making out that they have had a rotten time at their dad's BTW - that could actually be his way of trying to make sure YOU don't get upset.
Try not to connect this problem with the counselling though - it's a phone it can be used or it can be kept with you - try not to make a big issue over it.

Hope you take this in the way it's intended - I too am divorced and have had problems because of an uncommuinicative ex partner. It's not easy,I know.

child359

kindofagilr wrote: »

It sounds to me that DS doesnt have fun at Ex's and doesnt want to be there, can you not point this out to Ex and advise that if he keeps behaving in this way then DS wont be coming around anymore (as it doesnt look as though DS wants to be there?)

Thank you for your post.
I have consistently told ex that DS has made comments about not wanting to be there and not having fun but all ex sees is this "act" that DS puts on for him. Ex raves about what a fun time that DS has had with him.
Therefore I don't think ex believes me.
Until DS tells his Dad what he really thinks I can't see how this will improve!!
DS told ex how he didn't like the fact he had moved in with g/f and preferred it on his own with him recently (within last month) however it has taken him 4 years to say what he thinks and now he won't again as it didn't make any difference.
Ex wants DS to feel "part of the family" (his new family he has created) and cannot see that DS doesn't want that.

Zazen999

The adult thing would be for both of you to sit down and agree with each other - and tell him that he can call either of you at any time, and that he is part of both families and it won't upset either of you if he wants to call for a quick chat.

child359

Valli wrote: »

Although you say in your earlier post that when your son is with you he never wants to talk to his daddy I think you could try encouraging your son to phone his dad - but with positive stuff, so if he has done well at school or achieved a new milestone you could put on a happy face and tell hinme how pleased and/or proud his daddy will be when he hears. Then encourage your DS to phone his daddy. Because of course, although mummy and daddy no longer live together they both love DS very much and you are sure daddy would want to hear this news. Perhaps if daddy were receiving phone calls when DS is with you he will be happier with DS making phone calls to you when he's there.

I actually do this when I encourage DS to call ex. I always say to DS to ring Daddy with good news and even mundane things to tell him about. However he always says No. Also whenever I say who loves you and he says "Mummy" I say "and who else?" and he says "Daddy"

I try, despite my own feelings, which are NEVER shown to DS, to paint his Dad in a positive light and encourage him at every opportunity to speak to him.

I didn't take it the wrong way. Don't panic. Thank you for your honest post x

child359

Zazen999 wrote: »

The adult thing would be for both of you to sit down and agree with each other - and tell him that he can call either of you at any time, and that he is part of both families and it won't upset either of you if he wants to call for a quick chat.

As I have said I have had at least 3 conversations in two weeks with ex in an effort to sit down and agree but ex will simply NOT agree. Cannot see why DS needs it.
We have always sat down in the past. I regulary request to sit down and discuss things which we do. In fact I actually suggested a 3 months meeting to air any "worries" the other one had recently to which he agreed was right as text message can be taken so wrongly at times. He agreed to this and was happy with it hence why his reaction over this is so "out of character"

Valli

child359 wrote: »

Thank you for your post.
I have consistently told ex that DS has made comments about not wanting to be there and not having fun but all ex sees is this "act" that DS puts on for him. Ex raves about what a fun time that DS has had with him.
Therefore I don't think ex believes me.
Until DS tells his Dad what he really thinks I can't see how this will improve!!
DS told ex how he didn't like the fact he had moved in with g/f and preferred it on his own with him recently (within last month) however it has taken him 4 years to say what he thinks and now he won't again as it didn't make any difference.
Ex wants DS to feel "part of the family" (his new family he has created) and cannot see that DS doesn't want that.

trouble is your ex will see this as YOU not wanting DS to go there and stirring - the LAST person my exOH listens to regarding OUR children is ME...because all these years down the line he sees it as me 'playing mind games' - personally I feel that, since he is on his 3rd serious relationship s ince we separated almost 6 years ago he should be over it all by now, not hauling round this baggage.
But this is a bloke who, despite the fact his kids wanted to see him, wouldn't let me take them to him for a visit (he was out of work and couldn't afford petrol) because he refused to ask me for a favour. He just couldn't see that it was his kids he was harming and it has had a seriously negative impact on his relationship with them.
If you set an example, and encourage DS to phone his dad and make sure DS believes you are totally happy with that - rather than telling your ex what you think the situation is, it might, in the long run, work out.

Maybe your ex sees this as a way of you 'controlling' DS when he is at his dad's - as you are easily contactable and he believes this is implying you don't trust him to care for DS properly.

child359

Valli wrote: »

trouble is your ex will see this as YOU not wanting DS to go there and stirring - the LAST person my exOH listens to regarding OUR children is ME...because all these years down the line he sees it as me 'playing mind games' - personally I feel that, since he is on his 3rd serious relationship wince we separated almost 6 years agohe should be over it all by now, not hauling round this baggage.
But this is a bloke who, despite the fact his kids wanted to see him, wouldn't let me take them to him for a visit (he was out of work and couldn't afford petrol) because he refused to ask me for a favour. He just couldn't see that it was his kids he was harming and it has had a seruiosly negative impact on his relationship with them.
If you set an example, and encourage DS to phone his dad and make sure DS believes you are totally happy with that - rather than telling your ex what you think the situation is, it might, in the long run, work out.

Thank you for that.
I honestly do encourage DS to phone. All the time.
However unfortunately, in the summer DS attended a football course. His Dad rang the day before to talk about it. DS won player of the course at the end of the course. DS was so proud as was I and my family we made a big deal of it. I encouraged and DS wanted to ring Dad to tell him. Dad didn't answer the phone.
I made lots of excuses for Dad like he must be busy, can't hear his phone etc. His Dad rang two days later and DS was heartbroken so I fear this may have impaired his future trust in me encouraging him to ring his Dad.