Child wanting to please both parents

child359

Zazen999 wrote: »

He doesn't need it though does he, if the ex would let him use the home phone then he wouldn't need it. Perhaps you need a bit of reverse psychology here.

No technically he doesn't need it. Ex stood on doorstep tonight and promised DS he would constantly ask him if he wants to ring/text me.

My DS's face by the way when he said he couldn't take it was crestfallen. but said it was fine anyway!!:rolleyes:

However nothing from DS tonight. I seriously doubt DS would ask or say yes to ex anyway for fear of upsetting his Dad.

In an ideal world DS would ask ex to text or use home phone but I honestly can't see that happen any time soon

Valli

child359 wrote: »

Ooh thank you. Hadn't seen the extra. I actually tried the bit of " you will get lovely text messages from DS about how he loves you and misses you and I can use DS's phone and not your phone for contact of needed so your g/f doesn't get jealous" but the reply I got was "oh so I get a message like that and feel emotionally blackmailed to answer him on something I feel he shouldn't have then!!!:rolleyes:"

you have my sympathies you are so up against it.
and why the (insert expletive) should his gf be jealous of a child?
If she feels like that maybe she shouldn't be with exOH

angelicmary85

Hiya,

Have you tried sitting down with DS and his daddy to see if he'll start speaking to you about he feels. You can tell him that's it great that he has a fun time with daddy and that you're happy he's enjoying himeslf etc etc then his daddy can hear you ask him about the phone call issue?

child359

Valli wrote: »

you have my sympathies you are so up against it.
and why the (insert expletive) should his gf be jealous of a child?
If she feels like that maybe she shouldn't be with exOH

Apparently g/f has insecurities issues and believes that ex and me are conversing to get back together.
I actually asked to meet up with you when they first got together to ease out any insecurities she may have but she wouldn't:rolleyes:
(This is what ex tells me anyway!!)

belfastgirl23

child359 wrote: »

You see that is what I think too. I am not saying ex wouldn't feel like. Understandable. But it just simply isn't true. I am totally honest about DS feelings.
DS has never really been able to tell his Dad about how he feels and I have always taken how he thinks he has had such a bad time at Daddys with caution and spoken with Dad about it prior to making my decision.
I really don't know what has gone wrong on this occasion with the communication/understanding side

I REALLY didn't want DS to have to go to therapy again over this hence seeking advice on here.
If I could avoid if possible then great however if it is the only option OF COURSE I would take it.

Thank you.

This is a really hard issue though, if your ex really thinks you are exaggerating and as far as he knows your DS is perfectly happy being with him, then in his view what you are doing is being a fussy overprotective mum and it's his job to protect your DS from you! Obviously I'm not saying he's right on this :rolleyes: but it is understandable that this might be where he's coming from.

To me the real issue is that your DS doesn't feel able to talk to his dad. Or is telling you and his dad different things. Which is why I think you need some kind of counselling or therapy session with ALL of you involved, so that you all end up on the same page and knowing the same things...it isn't enough for your son to go, it's about communication between you all. It might be tough but it really would help to clear things up.

Spendless

Isn't there an organisation you can all 3 of you go to for mediation (can't think of the name, CAFCAS???). Whilst I am not in your circumstances, I have several seperated/divorced friends, in each case I am friends with mum (parent with care) and in every case they have told me a very similar story, that Dad doesn't want child to ring home or mum introding on their time together with phone calls, that for this reason they don't want them having a mobile phone given to them so they are able to contact, and mum says child doesn't want to stay/visit/see Dad. They must be incredibly common issues.

child359

angelicmary85 wrote: »

Hiya,

Have you tried sitting down with DS and his daddy to see if he'll start speaking to you about he feels. You can tell him that's it great that he has a fun time with daddy and that you're happy he's enjoying himeslf etc etc then his daddy can hear you ask him about the phone call issue?

strangely enough I have tried to instigate the last few times a "meeting" between me, Ex and DS so DS can say what he feels to his Dad whilst feeling safe whilst I am there but ex is SO dead against it and accuses me of trying to get DS in the middle which is something I put all my effort in avoiding doing.

child359

belfastgirl23 wrote: »

This is a really hard issue though, if your ex really thinks you are exaggerating and as far as he knows your DS is perfectly happy being with him, then in his view what you are doing is being a fussy overprotective mum and it's his job to protect your DS from you! Obviously I'm not saying he's right on this :rolleyes: but it is understandable that this might be where he's coming from.

To me the real issue is that your DS doesn't feel able to talk to his dad. Or is telling you and his dad different things. Which is why I think you need some kind of counselling or therapy session with ALL of you involved, so that you all end up on the same page and knowing the same things...it isn't enough for your son to go, it's about communication between you all. It might be tough but it really would help to clear things up.

Yes I can see where ex would get his "justification" from. It just isn't true.
From my understanding the therapy place, they wouldn't let child in the same room as me and ex however it is something I could question of the therapy place.
Thank you.

child359

Spendless wrote: »

Isn't there an organisation you can all 3 of you go to for mediation (can't think of the name, CAFCAS???). Whilst I am not in your circumstances, I have several seperated/divorced friends, in each case I am friends with mum (parent with care) and in every case they have told me a very similar story, that Dad doesn't want child to ring home or mum introding on their time together with phone calls, that for this reason they don't want them having a mobile phone given to them so they are able to contact, and mum says child doesn't want to stay/visit/see Dad. They must be incredibly common issues.

Heh Spendless :wave:
I thought Cafcass was with civil court issues only. Probably wrong though.
I will make an enquiry. Thank you.
The therapy place, the first time, made ex see what he couldn't see previously. There is so many children on the waiting list and so needy but I know that my DS is MY priority but just difficult when justifying going for the third time.

The problem I have is that ex puts on a great "display" whilst DS is in therapy but once it is over that stops and goes back to normal. If that makes any sense.

angelicmary85

child359 wrote: »

strangely enough I have tried to instigate the last few times a "meeting" between me, Ex and DS so DS can say what he feels to his Dad whilst feeling safe whilst I am there but ex is SO dead against it and accuses me of trying to get DS in the middle which is something I put all my effort in avoiding doing.

How about asking him to maybe write down how he feels when he is with his daddy and to include the nice feelings that he has so you can show ex-OH?

Sounds to me like this poor lad is being torn apart inside trying to please everyone. Would it help if he seen daddy every week? He might not feel comfortable enough with his own father to be able to talk to him so spending more time with him might ease the situation?