Child wanting to please both parents

valkirn

jinky67 wrote: »

I think your ex needs to grow up and realise your son needs time alone with him, you cannot force people to have a relationship.:rolleyes:
Why is he so desperate for him to get on with GF and her kids?

I second this,

Your son needs his father son relationship put before a relationship with the g/f and her children and you exoh needs to understand that he will damage his own relationship with his son

Just how to go about it, and i really dont know what to advise on this as i would personaly reduce the ammount of time he spent there as its not fair on him being made to do things he maybe doesnt want to do

Im mean to my exbf apparently as i wont allow our daughter to stay overnight at his (not that he wants her to stay there anyway she would interrupt his weekends but im not telling her this), due to his wife who is in my opinion completely untrustworthy (she decided that a 10 yr old was fully capable of traveling alone on a train to Scotland, from where we live this is a journey that requires at least 2 train changes, and once there was to be left home alone whilst they went out for the night)

Valli

Well said Jinky

How can this little boy feel 'special' and that he has a good relationship with his daddy when has has to share him with these other kids.
We can see where this dad's priorities lie when they arrange to have 'child free' weekends!:rolleyes:

Puts me in mind of somehting that happened to a friend of mine's son when the parents split. I'll call the boy 'Billy'.
Dad took up with a woman with two kids, a son and a daughter and they decided to set up home together. This was AFTER the 'Billy' had been promised a 'room of his own' at his dad's.
When they got together they gave the girl the biggest room and stuck two beds in the boy's room, intending them to share when 'Billy' stayed at his dads.
'Billy' was absolutely devastated; he had lost 'his' room, it had been given to the girl and he was expected to share with a boy who was almost a stranger. Apparently 'Billy' said nothing to his dad - but when he got back to his mum it all came spilling out. He said he didn't want to go again, not surprisingly, and 'Billy's' dad COULD NOT SEE WHAT HE HAD DONE TO UPSET HIS SON!

I am in awe and admiration of the stepmums who make space in their homes for their part time stepchildren, and UNDERSTAND that you cannot force siblings to get along much less step-siblings.

child359

valkirn wrote: »

I second this,

Your son needs his father son relationship put before a relationship with the g/f and her children and you exoh needs to understand that he will damage his own relationship with his son

Just how to go about it, and i really dont know what to advise on this as i would personaly reduce the ammount of time he spent there as its not fair on him being made to do things he maybe doesnt want to do

I do keep saying that he is damaging his relationship with his son but as slong as DS keeps going quite happily and seemily has a good time whilst he is there he won't believe me:rolleyes:

Like you say it is how to go about doing all this and going forward.

I have just spoken to the therapy place and asked if they would do like a mediation session between me and ex. She said it wasn't something they would normally do but she will see me on Monday to see if there is anything they can do at all.

child359

Valli wrote: »

Well said Jinky

How can this little boy feel 'special' and that he has a good relationship with his daddy when has has to share him with these other kids.
We can see where this dad's priorities lie when they arrange to have 'child free' weekends!:rolleyes:

My Mums reckons I am at fault because I have always portrayed his Dad as someone good and whenever I say "and who loves you?" and DS replies "Mummmy" I will say "and who else?" and he will say "Daddy."
I truly believe his Dad does love him and think the world of his however its putting this into action and also not putting himself first that is the sticking point:rolleyes:

jinky67

child359 wrote: »

My Mums reckons I am at fault because I have always portrayed his Dad as someone good and whenever I say "and who loves you?" and DS replies "Mummmy" I will say "and who else?" and he will say "Daddy."

By doing this ^^^^ you ARE doing the right thing though:T your DS will find out for himself what his Dad is like in the future. A parent should NEVER bad mouth the other

child359

jinky67 wrote: »

By doing this ^^^^ you ARE doing the right thing though:T your DS will find out for himself what his Dad is like in the future. A parent should NEVER bad mouth the other

Thank you.
I have never wanted him to think that I think badly of his Dad!! Obviously what I say when he is not around to hear is an entirely different matter

Valli

child359 wrote: »

My Mums reckons I am at fault because I have always portrayed his Dad as someone good and whenever I say "and who loves you?" and DS replies "Mummmy" I will say "and who else?" and he will say "Daddy."
I truly believe his Dad does love him and think the world of his however its putting this into action and also not putting himself first that is the sticking point:rolleyes:

as Jinky said you ARE doing the right thing - he will grow up and KNOW the truth, believe me - I KNOW this from my own upbringing...my own dad was a waste of space (my stepdad's lovely though:D) all talk and no action, aided and abetted by his selfish cow of a wife, who put the kids they had together first.
(In fact I had to go to a funeral (travelling and an overnight stay) with my dad and she was so insecure she made him bring their 2 yo daughter:rolleyes:she was so 'hung up' about me being with him despite the fact that his brother also travelled with us.)

Almost all men will, in my experience, put themselves first. They don't have the inherent selflessness that women have.

Valli

child359 wrote: »

Thank you.
I have never wanted him to think that I think badly of his Dad!! Obviously what I say when he is not around to hear is an entirely different matter

ditto!:T:cool:;)

jinky67

Valli wrote: »

ditto!:T:cool:;)

and me too:rotfl:

lynzpower

it sounds to me like ex is possibly feeling rather guilty about your son and his emotional issues. Could it be that this is the reason he is insistent his son is having a wonderful time. If he wanted to cuddle step-sibs then he'd be doing it, not cajoled or forced into it. Him painting a pretty picture doesn't wash when your son is telling you how he feels. If your son says he wants 1 to 1 time and ex is wanting large happy families, someone is trying to push a round peg into the proverbial square hole.

I think your ex needs to grow up prionto and recognise that your son is hurt by his actions. Ex needs to realise that son is not comfortable and HE as the PARENT needs to change that. Why cant he give one to one time. What on earth is that about? I can totally see why son feels the way he does

Hugs to you you sound like a great mum x