Child wanting to please both parents

Valli

child359 wrote: »

As I have said I have had at least 3 conversations in two weeks with ex in an effort to sit down and agree but ex will simply NOT agree. Cannot see why DS needs it.

Yes but you want him to agree to your terms.
'I have bought DS a mobile phone and I want him to have it then he can ring me if he needs to.'
He is flexing his manly muscles! Either (in his manly opinion) he gives in straight away or he opposes you. And he has chosen to oppose you in this one.:o:o:o

That's awful about the footy thing BTW - he did fail in his fatherly duties there BUT he perhaps thought YOU were ringing for a moan (like mine does;))

in fact - we could have a way forward here.

YOU 'Do you remember when DS won that football trophy? He was desperate to share it with you but you didn't answer the phone. You probably thought it was me *laugh*. If DS has his OWN phone you will know it's HIM wanting to talk to you and if you miss his call you can phone back quickly..he does LOVE to share his news with YOU!'.


(Personally I feel that it's a good idea for them (my kids that is) to have their own phones - saves me having to talk to exOH - just wish their dad would ring/text my kids a bit more instead of waiting for them to contact him. I am a bit fed up of reminding him that, as the adult, he needs to be more proactive in maintaining the relationship :rolleyes:. So I am trying, deviously;) to think of ways to get your exOH to see this, too!)

karenccs67

Can I ask, did your ex attend any of the therapy sessions that your child had?, maybe he needs to be told by a third party that trying to force his child to have fun, be part of a new family, isnt good for his child and that maybe a comprimise would be to let your child phone you before bedtime. I sometimes wonder if the parent who isnt living with their child has to over compensate but doesnt realise they are sometimes doing more harm than good and he has to remember your child is only 7, very young to be piggy in the middle.

I wish you luck and hope you have a happy conclusion. xxx

:grouphug:

child359

Valli wrote: »

Yes but you want him to agree to your terms.
'I have bought DS a mobile phone and I want him to have it.'
He is flexing his manly muscles! Either (in his manly opinion) he gives in straight away or he opposes you. And he has chosen to oppose you in this one.:o:o:o

I know. For DS's sake I would back down straight away if I thought that was what DS truly wanted but it isn't and I honestly fear that if ex continues like this that DS will stop wanting to see his Dad.
I have always been, despite how I have felt, determined that DS and his Dad should have regular contact and DS should be reminded how much Daddy loves him when not with him.
My friends say it is to my fault that I make ex sound like "such a great Dad" they way I make him sound to DS but just want him to know he does love him, which I truly believe he does.

child359

karenccs67 wrote: »

Can I ask, did your ex attend any of the therapy sessions that your child had?, maybe he needs to be told by a third party that trying to force his child to have fun, be part of a new family, isnt good for his child and that maybe a comprimise would be to let your child phone you before bedtime. I sometimes wonder if the parent who isnt living with their child has to over compensate but doesnt realise they are sometimes doing more harm than good and he has to remember your child is only 7, very young to be piggy in the middle.

I wish you luck and hope you have a happy conclusion. xxx

:grouphug:

Thank you. He attended the first set of therapy sessions however the second set was about DS getting used to Daddy living with another family etc.
Daddy didn't attend these.
We were both given information from these sessions about how to make a smooth transistion between parents. I actually asked him to look at these again this week. Not nastily. I regulary look at them, especially when I feel that DS is suffering and want to see it from ex's point of view.
He wouldn't. Just handed over an article from newspapaer tonight how mobile phones can cause tumours in children under 11 years of age!!!!

Valli

ooh I added a bit to my previous post!^^

Valli

child359 wrote: »

Thank you. He attended the first set of therapy sessions however the second set was about DS getting used to Daddy living with another family etc.
Daddy didn't attend these.
We were both given information from these sessions about how to make a smooth transistion between parents. I actually asked him to look at these again this week. Not nastily. I regulary look at them, especially when I feel that DS is suffering and want to see it from ex's point of view.
He wouldn't. Just handed over an article from newspapaer tonight how mobile phones can cause tumours in children under 11 years of age!!!!

:rolleyes::rolleyes::rolleyes::rolleyes::rolleyes::rolleyes::rolleyes::rolleyes::rolleyes:
Yeah - right- the power of the press:rolleyes: 100% accurate and well researched, those things:rolleyes::rolleyes::rolleyes::rolleyes::rolleyes:

belfastgirl23

Actually I think your DS isn't being totally honest here. And possibly because he doesn't know his own feelings as well. I suspect he isn't having as miserable a time with dad as he is saying to you. I think he probably does sometimes feel a bit sad and perhaps that's what he remembers when he gets home. But most of the time to his dad he seems to be having a nice time.

I do remember looking after a friends kids once, they had a great day but when mum and dad came home they ran to them bawling as if I'd been poking pins in them. I think it was just some kind of stress or seperation anxiety thing. If the parents hadn't trusted me then I think it would have looked really bad.

I guess what I'm saying is that your ex might well truly believe you are exaggerating or lying about DS's condition.

I would really suggest you consider family therapy or mediation with a view to ensuring that DS is able to make both parents aware of how he feels and where you and your ex learn to trust each other again as parents...

child359

Valli wrote: »

ooh I added a bit to my previous post!^^

Ooh thank you. Hadn't seen the extra. I actually tried the bit of " you will get lovely text messages from DS about how he loves you and misses you and I can use DS's phone and not your phone for contact of needed so your g/f doesn't get jealous" but the reply I got was "oh so I get a message like that and feel emotionally blackmailed to answer him on something I feel he shouldn't have then!!!:rolleyes:"

child359

belfastgirl23 wrote: »

I guess what I'm saying is that your ex might well truly believe you are exaggerating or lying about DS's condition.

You see that is what I think too. I am not saying ex wouldn't feel like. Understandable. But it just simply isn't true. I am totally honest about DS feelings.
DS has never really been able to tell his Dad about how he feels and I have always taken how he thinks he has had such a bad time at Daddys with caution and spoken with Dad about it prior to making my decision.
I really don't know what has gone wrong on this occasion with the communication/understanding side

I REALLY didn't want DS to have to go to therapy again over this hence seeking advice on here.
If I could avoid if possible then great however if it is the only option OF COURSE I would take it.

Thank you.

Zazen999

child359 wrote: »

As I have said I have had at least 3 conversations in two weeks with ex in an effort to sit down and agree but ex will simply NOT agree. Cannot see why DS needs it.
We have always sat down in the past. I regulary request to sit down and discuss things which we do. In fact I actually suggested a 3 months meeting to air any "worries" the other one had recently to which he agreed was right as text message can be taken so wrongly at times. He agreed to this and was happy with it hence why his reaction over this is so "out of character"

He doesn't need it though does he, if the ex would let him use the home phone then he wouldn't need it. Perhaps you need a bit of reverse psychology here.