Child wanting to please both parents

child359

angelicmary85 wrote: »

How about asking him to maybe write down how he feels when he is with his daddy and to include the nice feelings that he has so you can show ex-OH?

Sounds to me like this poor lad is being torn apart inside trying to please everyone. Would it help if he seen daddy every week? He might not feel comfortable enough with his own father to be able to talk to him so spending more time with him might ease the situation?

He won't see his Dad every week and to be awfully frank his Dad wouldn't see him every week either. His g/f arranges for her children to be with their respective Dads the weekend DS doesn't go to them so he won't have DS on a weekend he isn't due to go there. He wouldn't have him last boxing day beause her children were not there and would only have him the day after!
I have for 4 years tried to persuade ex to have DS every Wednesday night overnight but he claims that he can't/won't. (Not for my benefit, by the way, but for DS's)


Writing a diary may help however going on ex's views he wouldn't want him "worrying" about filling a diary of feelings in when he is with him!!
Not sure how I would sell that one to ex.

Spendless

child359 wrote: »

Heh Spendless :wave:
I thought Cafcass was with civil court issues only. Probably wrong though.
I will make an enquiry. Thank you.
The therapy place, the first time, made ex see what he couldn't see previously. There is so many children on the waiting list and so needy but I know that my DS is MY priority but just difficult when justifying going for the third time.

The problem I have is that ex puts on a great "display" whilst DS is in therapy but once it is over that stops and goes back to normal. If that makes any sense.

Hmm you might be right. http://www.cafcass.gov.uk/cafcass_and_you/info_for_families/your_questions_answered.aspx

Just trying to think, and I do remember 1 or 2 of my friends going for mediation, maybe a different organisation though. If I find out I'll let you know.

valkirn

I don't wish to be rude but does your son spend any time at all alone with his dad, as it sounds to me his dad is pushing him into playing happy families with the g/f and her kids and this could be the brunt of your sons problems, it could be that he does have fun to a degree with his dad but then the g/f and her kids are vying for his attention too
Me and my ex split before our daughter was born but i did put my foot down and said that when a new g/f comes on the scene and he has our daughter then he takes our daughter out just him and her for a couple of hours at least so they have some father daughter time without interruptions, (my ex didn't like this idea and has refused to have his daughter overnight citing various reasons. (his loss) and subsequently doesnt understand why our daughter just isn't interested in him
I have also done this (my eldest is 10 now) but once a week and most evenings it is just my eldest and me as at the end of the day she had 5 years where it was just me and her before i met someone new and gave her a couple of siblings by the same token my youngest 2 also get quality time with me too x

vik6525

valkirn wrote: »

I don't wish to be rude but does your son spend any time at all alone with his dad, as it sounds to me his dad is pushing him into playing happy families with the g/f and her kids and this could be the brunt of your sons problems, it could be that he does have fun to a degree with his dad but then the g/f and her kids are vying for his attention too
Me and my ex split before our daughter was born but i did put my foot down and said that when a new g/f comes on the scene and he has our daughter then he takes our daughter out just him and her for a couple of hours at least so they have some father daughter time without interruptions, (my ex didn't like this idea and has refused to have his daughter overnight citing various reasons. (his loss) and subsequently doesnt understand why our daughter just isn't interested in him
I have also done this (my eldest is 10 now) but once a week and most evenings it is just my eldest and me as at the end of the day she had 5 years where it was just me and her before i met someone new and gave her a couple of siblings by the same token my youngest 2 also get quality time with me too x

It sounds to me as if this may be the problem. The ops son is being made to play 'happy families' with people that maybe he doesnt want to play happy families with.

minimoneysaver

Who made the decison to up the contact between son & exoh? It could be that he just wants to be at "home" to be with his friends & mum. Maybe he dislikes the gf? Maybe he doesn't get cuddles with his dad if he is with gf? Does exoh actually want to spend time with son? Have you asked exoh this question? Maybe he doesn't know him very well and it is all a bit awkward? Kids pick up on everything.

child359

valkirn wrote: »

I don't wish to be rude but does your son spend any time at all alone with his dad, as it sounds to me his dad is pushing him into playing happy families with the g/f and her kids and this could be the brunt of your sons problems, it could be that he does have fun to a degree with his dad but then the g/f and her kids are vying for his attention too
Me and my ex split before our daughter was born but i did put my foot down and said that when a new g/f comes on the scene and he has our daughter then he takes our daughter out just him and her for a couple of hours at least so they have some father daughter time without interruptions, (my ex didn't like this idea and has refused to have his daughter overnight citing various reasons. (his loss) and subsequently doesnt understand why our daughter just isn't interested in him
I have also done this (my eldest is 10 now) but once a week and most evenings it is just my eldest and me as at the end of the day she had 5 years where it was just me and her before i met someone new and gave her a couple of siblings by the same token my youngest 2 also get quality time with me too x

Thank you for your post.
No he doesn't spend time alone with his Dad. I have spoken to his Dad about this and told him he has said he misses just time on their own. This is the thing that DS actually admitted to him a few months ago (I was so proud of him!) however his Dad took him out for the day on their own that following time he had him (took him shopping which is something DS hates!!! but at least it was time alone) but then since then nothing, despite me gently trying to remind him that DS would like to have time on his own.

child359

vik6525 wrote: »

It sounds to me as if this may be the problem. The ops son is being made to play 'happy families' with people that maybe he doesnt want to play happy families with.

Vik, you are right. Ex constantly says he wants DS to feel part of their little family. Keep telling him that DS doesn't want that, he may in the future but not right now

child359

minimoneysaver wrote: »

Who made the decison to up the contact between son & exoh? It could be that he just wants to be at "home" to be with his friends & mum. Maybe he dislikes the gf? Maybe he doesn't get cuddles with his dad if he is with gf? Does exoh actually want to spend time with son? Have you asked exoh this question? Maybe he doesn't know him very well and it is all a bit awkward? Kids pick up on everything.

It was a decision between me and DS and then ex. DS asked to stay two nights and always insists on staying two nights however I get the impression that DS thinks if he doesn't stay for the two nights that Daddy won't like it. Now that it has gone to two nights (Over a year now) ex is not wanting this reducing again.

The other issue that appears to have arisen recently is Daddy making him cuddle his g/f and her children. DS has made comments that he doesn't want to do it but Daddy tells him to "go on just a quick one"
Have asked ex about this and he says that DS is more than willing to cuddle and he said the follwoing with glee in his face "he loves cuddling g/f!"
I think DS is going along and doing it just to please Daddy. I really don't know.

jinky67

I think your ex needs to grow up and realise your son needs time alone with him, you cannot force people to have a relationship.:rolleyes:
Why is he so desperate for him to get on with GF and her kids?

child359

jinky67 wrote: »

I think your ex needs to grow up and realise your son needs time alone with him, you cannot force people to have a relationship.:rolleyes:
Why is he so desperate for him to get on with GF and her kids?

Thanks Jinky. I agree.
I don't know why he is so desperate really
He just wants one big happy family and cannot understand why his son has such a problem with that. Also I am sure that DS goes along with everything at the house so as not to upse his Dad so when I am telling ex what DS has told me I don't think he believes me because it is the opposite of what "alledegly" happens at the house