Child wanting to please both parents

child359

vik6525 wrote: »

Im full of bright ideas me!

It may be worth exploring with him though. He may be scared that as part of the 'happy family' thing theyve got going on there, in his little mind, it might be the next step, iyswim?

I did sit down with him once the whole cuddling thing came out and said that he will only ever have one Mummy and Daddy.

Other things that DS has said recently....that he doesn't want Mummy to get a b/f because when she does he won't get to see Daddy again and he will become his uncle!!!!:rolleyes: Goodness know where that one came from

another...that if Daddy and g/f get married that g/f's eldest child will become his step sister. 9g/f's eldest chils told him this!!:mad:

I think DS is soooo confused and things are being said to him possibly by g/f children that understandably is messing with his head!!!!!!!!
I have told ex all these comments and explained gthe effect it has had on DS but nothing has changed

vik6525

You know.... You two just need to sit down and thrash this out. Your ex is behaving like a !!!!!!. You may be apart, but you really do need to be 'together' when it comes to bringing up your little cutie!
Tell him to man up, face you, and try and talk things through.

child359

vik6525 wrote: »

You know.... You two just need to sit down and thrash this out. Your ex is behaving like a !!!!!!. You may be apart, but you really do need to be 'together' when it comes to bringing up your little cutie!
Tell him to man up, face you, and try and talk things through.

I agree but at the moment we cannot agree on anything. I have always been of the opinion that we are bringing DS up together even though we are apart IYSWIM. Up until now this hasn't ben a problem.
I couldn't speak to him at the moment. I am still so very cross and upset.

vik6525

child359 wrote: »

I agree but at the moment we cannot agree on anything. I have always been of the opinion that we are bringing DS up together even though we are apart IYSWIM. Up until now this hasn't ben a problem.
I couldn't speak to him at the moment. I am still so very cross and upset.

You've got more patience than me hun....

Id have gone over there and hammered on his door before now! :rotfl::rotfl:

Anyway, I think you need to talk to the girlfriend too.... Whether you like it or not (sorry!) she IS a part of your cuties life, and she needs to know whats going on as well. I know its hard, its bloody hard, but sometimes we've all got to grit our teeth, and do stuff that we maybe dont like, for the sake of our kids....

.....Like the time I had to go over to the ginga ninjas dads house, and tell him that our boy was coming home smelling of cat wee, and would he mind just ferkin cleaning once in a while.......

child359

vik6525 wrote: »

You've got more patience than me hun....

Id have gone over there and hammered on his door before now! :rotfl::rotfl:

Anyway, I think you need to talk to the girlfriend too.... Whether you like it or not (sorry!) she IS a part of your cuties life, and she needs to know whats going on as well. I know its hard, its bloody hard, but sometimes we've all got to grit our teeth, and do stuff that we maybe dont like, for the sake of our kids....

.....Like the time I had to go over to the ginga ninjas dads house, and tell him that our boy was coming home smelling of cat wee, and would he mind just ferkin cleaning once in a while.......

I wanted to meet up with the g/f at the start when she was spending time with DS however SHE refused!!! Apparently she has "issues" and felt like she would be judged:rolleyes: Her feelings remain the same because I have asked!!!!

You know normally when something needs sorting I suggest to ex we meet up and talk and we do. It is normally me that sorts it out however I am not sure he will back down or change his mind and see it from DS's point of view. I have tried most things with him already.

Don't get me wrong I had a glass of wine last night just so I couldn't go round to his!!!!!!!:o

KiKi

Just read this thread through. OP, I feel for you, and you sound like a great mum.

I'm not experienced in these kinds of issues at all, but as well as the girlfriend sounding incredibly insecure (and ex-OH running around after her): can I ask if you have spoken to DS about gf's children?

As I was reading though my first thought was that poor DS may worry that he will have to go and live with this new family rather than with you. Then my thoughts went to the fact that he might worry that gf will be his new mum. Then they went to wondering how his relationship with DS's kids are.

I was trying to put myself in his place and wondering how I'd feel. It could be that if gf's children live there most of the time, he just feels like a visitor in their house. I'm not suggesting at all that they might be bullying him or anything like that, but perhaps they're talking about their new family and it's causing him upset, or something they're saying is creating feelings of anxiety in him? It's not his home, it's theirs, and maybe he feels lonely, too?

Have you asked him about her children at all?

You seem to be clued up on how he feels and what's going on; as you say, it's what happens now, and how to get ex-OH involved. The only thing I can suggest is wondering if you could buy DS a 'present' which is one of those 'experiences' or something he'd enjoy doing, and he gets to invite someone (stressing the someONE along!) and he asks his dad, so he doesn't have to be with gf and kids, too? Sorry, not very full of ideas on this, but my thoughts are with you.

KiKi

child359

KiKi wrote: »

Just read this thread through. OP, I feel for you, and you sound like a great mum.

I'm not experienced in these kinds of issues at all, but as well as the girlfriend sounding incredibly insecure (and ex-OH running around after her): can I ask if you have spoken to DS about gf's children?

As I was reading though my first thought was that poor DS may worry that he will have to go and live with this new family rather than with you. Then my thoughts went to the fact that he might worry that gf will be his new mum. Then they went to wondering how his relationship with DS's kids are.

I was trying to put myself in his place and wondering how I'd feel. It could be that if gf's children live there most of the time, he just feels like a visitor in their house. I'm not suggesting at all that they might be bullying him or anything like that, but perhaps they're talking about their new family and it's causing him upset, or something they're saying is creating feelings of anxiety in him? It's not his home, it's theirs, and maybe he feels lonely, too?

Have you asked him about her children at all?

You seem to be clued up on how he feels and what's going on; as you say, it's what happens now, and how to get ex-OH involved. The only thing I can suggest is wondering if you could buy DS a 'present' which is one of those 'experiences' or something he'd enjoy doing, and he gets to invite someone (stressing the someONE along!) and he asks his dad, so he doesn't have to be with gf and kids, too? Sorry, not very full of ideas on this, but my thoughts are with you.

KiKi

Thanks KiKi.

We have spoken about the children. Prior to moving in DS didn't like the g/f's son. He is two years younger than him and he has the share a bedroom with him!!!:eek: He isn't too fond of him but getting better. It was one of the things that therapy worked on last time, his feelings towards her son and how he can get round it.
He likes the daughter because she is older - she is 12 years old. However I think she isn't there that much and when she is doesn't really want to hang around with him.

He knows he will always live with me. I constantly reassure him our place is a safe house and one where we can talk about how we feel. That is one of the reasons why I became the physical and verbal punchbag for a while because he felt safe enough to do it (if that makes sense!!)

Other things that have happened recently. DS birthday, his Dad had him in the day. The night before he took them all to his parents house to stay over. DS has always had since birth his own bed at their house. DS was made to sleep on the floor because the girl was "bigger" and therefore needed the bed apparently. Told ex how DS felt pushed out because it was his bed. He still did it:rolleyes: DS gutted and upset.

There was something else my head still in jumble and keep forgetting things:o will write it when I remember it!

Nixer

Poor little lad. Look I don't have kids, and I may be talking out of my bum here, but I actually think it is quite cruel to make a child hug someone if they don't want to. Once, maybe, it's a bit funny if the kids screws up their face and says "yuk" or whatever, but it sounds like it's a regular thing that he's really uncomfortable about. Does your son need to feel in control a bit more? I've no idea how you assertiveness train a small boy though but probably something like reinforcement and reassurance - keep telling him it is ok not to do things that he isn't comfortable with and to say "I don't want to".

Is there a sensible grandparent or relative who could have a word with your ex? It's fairly obvious that if it carries on, as your son gets older he will either refuse to go or start playing up/standing up to his Dad. Someone needs to make the ex see that he is going to screw up his relationship with his son, but that someone isn't you as he clearly won't listen.

Nixer

Sorry one other thing, you said the gf son is a couple of years younger or older than your son? It looks to me as if your son sees him as a direct rival to himself - especially after the message on the Xmas present. The girl is less of a threat being different gender and a lot older.

miss.bint

child359 wrote: »

I agree but at the moment we cannot agree on anything. I have always been of the opinion that we are bringing DS up together even though we are apart IYSWIM. Up until now this hasn't ben a problem.
I couldn't speak to him at the moment. I am still so very cross and upset.

If he won't speak to you, maybe it's worth writing him a letter?