URGENT Mother refusing to drop off son!

maggied_2

You're welcome MB! Us evil stepmums need to stick together

moggylover

maggied wrote: »

^^yes she may have had advice but I personally don't think it was kind or constructive.

Maybe her fiance wants some support because they are a couple who presumably at some point will become husband and wife??? Or are couples just supposed to deal with their 'problems' separately?

It did not start off as unkind or unconstructive either - but was harshly received, thus the feeling that the OP wanted only a "sympathy" thread rather than a constructive help one;)

Maybe he does want some support - but I do not think it is up to anyone but the two parents of the child to make the decisions that affect said child unless BOTH of the biological parents are willing for this to be so.

However, nothing the OP has stated on here makes me feel that she wanted any advice at all really, just a vent and rant and dramatic fuss (hence the URGENT in the title when nothing anyone said was going to change things in this instance;)).

moggylover

maggied wrote: »

You're welcome MB! Us evil stepmums need to stick together

I have been a stepmum! I certainly did not consider I had the right to stamp my feet and push the real mum out or make her toe MY line;)

I would be supportive of OH and even offer advice to calm a situation down: muck stirring was NOT an acceptable part of the agenda imo:o

maggied_2

minimoneysaver wrote: »

At the end of the day she doesn't have parental rights. She is the girlfriend of the father and shouldn't be involved with the arrangements. It is only going to add fuel to the situation with her getting involved too. It's time to stand back and let the mother and father sort out their problems, if of course they have any.

Bonnie2009 wrote: »

Biomom?

What the hell?

Show some respect! She's the child's mother - you are not.

hannah-j wrote: »

Very well said, now waiting for the 'my fiance dumped me' thread :rolleyes:

I would hardly class any of the comments above as helpful.

As I said in my post it is better to bite your tongue in these situations but I can also understand the tone......this could be the latest in a long line of incidents (and the fact that there has been a court case which actually stipulates pick up times suggests it has) and I have also been there and felt like that!

Doesn't make me a horrible person or a bad stepmum!

maggied_2

moggylover wrote: »

I have been a stepmum! I certainly did not consider I had the right to stamp my feet and push the real mum out or make her toe MY line;)

I would be supportive of OH and even offer advice to calm a situation down: muck stirring was NOT an acceptable part of the agenda imo:o

Same here! But the assumption seemed to be that because OP was ranting on here that she was getting involved (in a negative way) and doing it in a way that would negatively affect the LO.

I've turned the air blue ranting about my OH's X but in front of her and my DSD they wouldn't know

miss.bint

maggied wrote: »

Same here! But the assumption seemed to be that because OP was ranting on here that she was getting involved (in a negative way) and doing it in a way that would negatively affect the LO.

I've turned the air blue ranting about my OH's X but in front of her and my DSD they wouldn't know

Same here :D:D:D

As for people saying we shouldn't be getting involved in the arrangements.....

So. I'm not supposed to buy clothes for DSD to wear?

I'm not supposed to make sure she has a really nice Christmas with us?

I'm not supposed to cuddle her when she misses her mum who's suddenly more interested in boyfriend No.6?

I'm not supposed to make her a birthday cake or arrange a day out at Cadbury's World (which is a complete waste of money - don't go) for her because my OH didn't have a clue what to do for her birthday?

I'm not supposed to have "the talk" with her every time her mum gets a new bf, to make sure she's okay with it?

I know I will never compare to her bio-mum and I am GLAD.
I am me and she is quite happy with me being me & her mum being her mum.
And so am I.

Sometimes her mum is wrapped up in herself that she is totally oblivious to her daughter.
Like I noticed that DSD wasn't eating her packed lunches. When OH finally approached X about it she said she hadn't noticed. She hadn't noticed because she never emptied DSD's lunch box at the end of day, she let DSD do it herself.
I also noticed that X wasn't bathing her. Every time DSD came to our house we'd ask her when was the last time she had a bath, and she always said the last time she stayed with us. OH asked X about it and as expected, we got a sarcastic response :rolleyes:

So there you go. Just a few examples of why we SHOULD get involved. :rolleyes:

worriedsik

miss.bint wrote: »

Same here :D:D:D

As for people saying we shouldn't be getting involved in the arrangements.....

So. I'm not supposed to buy clothes for DSD to wear?

I'm not supposed to make sure she has a really nice Christmas with us?

I'm not supposed to cuddle her when she misses her mum who's suddenly more interested in boyfriend No.6?

I'm not supposed to make her a birthday cake or arrange a day out at Cadbury's World (which is a complete waste of money - don't go) for her because my OH didn't have a clue what to do for her birthday?

I'm not supposed to have "the talk" with her every time her mum gets a new bf, to make sure she's okay with it?

I know I will never compare to her bio-mum and I am GLAD.
I am me and she is quite happy with me being me & her mum being her mum.
And so am I.

Sometimes her mum is wrapped up in herself that she is totally oblivious to her daughter.
Like I noticed that DSD wasn't eating her packed lunches. When OH finally approached X about it she said she hadn't noticed. She hadn't noticed because she never emptied DSD's lunch box at the end of day, she let DSD do it herself.
I also noticed that X wasn't bathing her. Every time DSD came to our house we'd ask her when was the last time she had a bath, and she always said the last time she stayed with us. OH asked X about it and as expected, we got a sarcastic response :rolleyes:

So there you go. Just a few examples of why we SHOULD get involved. :rolleyes:

Iam guesing there maybee instances where you ''feel'' you need to get involved ie maybee if you feel the biological mother isnt taking care off her child...
but if my daughters fathers new girlfriend asked my daughter when was the last time she had a bath !!! i would not be amused at all
I think you all have now changed the OP which was initially URGENT ! because there was a 2 hrs time lapse from when the LO should have been picked up ! its all a bit blown out off proportion really

dtc04

there is a big difference between a mother that doesnt bath a child and one that want to change the access time by two hours.

I change access times all the time, and so does my ex. We just ring each other and explain and ask if its alright. I wouldn't be happy if he had a gf who was kicking up a fuss about it.

I most definitely wouldn't be happy to be referred to as biomom. If you didnt give your child up for adoption its inappropriate, and undermines the relationship between mother and child, however it is intended.

maggied_2

dtc04 wrote: »

there is a big difference between a mother that doesnt bath a child and one that want to change the access time by two hours.

I change access times all the time, and so does my ex. We just ring each other and explain and ask if its alright. I wouldn't be happy if he had a gf who was kicking up a fuss about it.

I most definitely wouldn't be happy to be referred to as biomom. If you didnt give your child up for adoption its inappropriate, and undermines the relationship between mother and child, however it is intended.

Agreed - however I think missbint was illustrating a point about how stepmums ARE involved in their stepchildren's lives whichever way you look at it.

Also from the original post (long forgotten!) it doesn't sound as though then mother did clear the change. I'm not going to get into whether that's correct or not! I think these situations are always unfortunate as the only person that is ever going to suffer is the child.

I also understand the defensive tone of posts from mums (don't get me wrong, I've always said I would also find it difficult to see any children of mine with my OH and another woman) but it sometimes isn't always the new girlfriend's fault! I once found out my OH had used me as an excuse when he didn't want to do something for his ex - he hasn't done it again!

The X in our situation is an absolute disgrace (latest news - headbutting a teenage male relative in the pub over Christms:eek::eek:) but she is never spoken about disrespectfully under our roof. As much as she infuriates me my childhood's out of the way - my DSD's isn't.

I guess this all goes to show that communication is vital and that adults need to put their own c*appy agendas aside when there are children involved and place the LOs at the centre of all the decisions. I know a few people that make it work but many more that struggle.

Curious_George_2

daska wrote: »

According to our solicitor you are wrong. Unless there is a residency or contact order stating that he must not take her out of the country, to x place etc, if he has parental responsibility then he gets to decide what they do, where they go during her time with him. You can stop her going by withholding her passport but he could get a court order to force you provide it. Yes, it's good manners to discuss it so that you know where your child is, but he is just as much her parent as you. Even if there is a court order it usually only limits time out of the country to 2 or 4 weeks.

well then maybe im just in that lucky group of people who can make arrangements for their children without involving legal advice... :rolleyes:

she lives with me, my OH and our 2 year old, when EX is home they see each other as much as they both want and thats great
but... if EX doesnt turn up, ask to have her or whatever, shes here with me 24/7,
I think thats an important point in this that bears repeating he only has her if he wants too
I have parental responsibility therefore any plans anyone else has for DD including going round a friends for tea, sleepovers OR going round daddys has to go through me!
we may not be together anymore but even when we were the majority of decisions involving her were/are left to me,

maybe thats just the way we do it, but it works, but like i said me OH and EX have a pretty solid parenting team thing going on, OHs opinion as the step parent to be is as valid as anyone elses, we all talk to each other, even when one of us is being difficult because it is in the best interests of our child.
maybe thats how we manage to get through "urgent" situations like being 2 hours late for something without invoving solicitors or frantic drama llama moments!

point scoring is the most petty and destructive way to raise a child, i should know my parents were idiots!