URGENT Mother refusing to drop off son!

maggied_2

Hmmm - I can see both sides here, and I think quite a lot of assumptions have been made.

I'm also a stepmum and our "biomum" (btw Bonnie - I don't think this was meant as a derogatory term, I've seen it used a lot on forums just like DSD, OH etc) is the human embodiment of your worst nightmare (see my past posts!!).

There are times when she's messed us around to such a point that we get incredibly frustrated.

The statement about her being the mother and therefore having total say in what happens to her child sits very uneasily with me - where does that leave the father - souped up babysitter?

Also there seems to be an assumption that the OP is rude about her OH's ex in front of the LO. She might be but I know that in our situation although the X is called some rather colourful (ahem) things between OH and me we never EVER bad mouth her in front of my DSD.

I understand what people are saying about OP not being the mother and it not being her business but it is really - otherwise where do you draw the line? Should the OP comfort the LO when he is ill / upset? Should she cook for him? Spend time reading / playing / ferrying around LO? I do all those things (as I would expect to) but to say it's nothing to do with her is over-simplifying things. Again, in my position, I stay away from communicating with X (and to the person saying they received letters from her X's new partner - that's definitely over stepping the mark!!).

But don't underestimate the effect that being messed around by the X (either male or female I know!) can have, and always having to bite your tongue in case they start being difficult over access - it can be a constant game and takes its toll on a couple. OP is engaged to the father and so like it or not WILL be involved in this LO's life.

The fact that OP and her partner have had to go to court over access suggests that problems have existed in the past.

That said (and I know it's a little late) but when X messes us around it gets noted and OH generally says "that's fine" and we work around it. Not because he's a pushover (although there is an element of 'keeping her sweet'....sickening) but because she would enjoy knowing that she was causing us difficulties and we'd NEVER want to give her that satisfaction. So definitely time to take a deep breath and put this into perspective - work round it and think of the LO in the middle of it all.

It is hard keeping your head when an X is being difficult like this and it does spill over sometimes. When our X is being vile (a fairly frequent occurence) I just try and focus on the fact that while her and my OH may have had a child together, she is the past (harsh but true) and has to live the rest of her life being the bitter sourfaced cow that she is.

For the future - this does seem to have been caused by a quite simple breakdown in communication. A bit more of that from both sides could have no doubt avoided this.

daska

Another point it that, while children do sometimes say they want to do x just to please the person they're with at the time, this isn't always the case. For a long time DS1 wanted everyone to live together including step-parents, but DSD always wanted to live with her dad and, in the 4 years she's been with him has never wanted to return to her mum and was worried sick that the court might force her to go back. That's not to say she doesn't love her mum, she does, but she doesn't want to live with her or even have to visit for extended periods or every school holiday.

miss.bint

maggied wrote: »

Hmmm - I can see both sides here, and I think quite a lot of assumptions have been made.

I'm also a stepmum and our "biomum" (btw Bonnie - I don't think this was meant as a derogatory term, I've seen it used a lot on forums just like DSD, OH etc) is the human embodiment of your worst nightmare (see my past posts!!).

There are times when she's messed us around to such a point that we get incredibly frustrated.

The statement about her being the mother and therefore having total say in what happens to her child sits very uneasily with me - where does that leave the father - souped up babysitter?

Also there seems to be an assumption that the OP is rude about her OH's ex in front of the LO. She might be but I know that in our situation although the X is called some rather colourful (ahem) things between OH and me we never EVER bad mouth her in front of my DSD.

I understand what people are saying about OP not being the mother and it not being her business but it is really - otherwise where do you draw the line? Should the OP comfort the LO when he is ill / upset? Should she cook for him? Spend time reading / playing / ferrying around LO? I do all those things (as I would expect to) but to say it's nothing to do with her is over-simplifying things. Again, in my position, I stay away from communicating with X (and to the person saying they received letters from her X's new partner - that's definitely over stepping the mark!!).

But don't underestimate the effect that being messed around by the X (either male or female I know!) can have, and always having to bite your tongue in case they start being difficult over access - it can be a constant game and takes its toll on a couple. OP is engaged to the father and so like it or not WILL be involved in this LO's life.

The fact that OP and her partner have had to go to court over access suggests that problems have existed in the past.

That said (and I know it's a little late) but when X messes us around it gets noted and OH generally says "that's fine" and we work around it. Not because he's a pushover (although there is an element of 'keeping her sweet'....sickening) but because she would enjoy knowing that she was causing us difficulties and we'd NEVER want to give her that satisfaction. So definitely time to take a deep breath and put this into perspective - work round it and think of the LO in the middle of it all.

It is hard keeping your head when an X is being difficult like this and it does spill over sometimes. When our X is being vile (a fairly frequent occurence) I just try and focus on the fact that while her and my OH may have had a child together, she is the past (harsh but true) and has to live the rest of her life being the bitter sourfaced cow that she is.

For the future - this does seem to have been caused by a quite simple breakdown in communication. A bit more of that from both sides could have no doubt avoided this.

You know, we could be the same person...
We are in the exact same predicament as you.

For days I've been wanting to respond to this thread, but you have taken the words right out of my mouth.

I think people have been a bit hard and quite to the OP.
Unless you are a step mum, you can't really relate I'm afraid. :rolleyes:

My DSD is almost 9 now. My OH & I also have a 2 year old together.
Not a day goes by where we don't get messed about. We have had shared care of DSD for 2 years now and my OH & his EX have been separated for well over 7 years -she has never been anything but horrible.

I met OH 3 years after they split, so I'm no home wrecker before you all jump to conclusions :rolleyes:

So I'm sorry, but yes. It has got something to do with 'us'.
I treat DSD like my own child. I am not some glorified babysitter!

I think people don't give us enough credit.
When we meet the love of our lives (who has "baggage"). Not only are we taking him on; we are also taking on his child/children AND his EX!

So a bit of respect where it's due please, ladies.
:rolleyes:

Curious_George_2

maggied wrote: »

The statement about her being the mother and therefore having total say in what happens to her child sits very uneasily with me - where does that leave the father - souped up babysitter?

just to clarify what i said...
i never said she was the ONLY one who gets a say in what the boy does but the OP was giving off a 'who the hell does she think she is' vibe and i felt (as many people after me on this thread have) that a reminder that like it or not she is the childs mother and also the "parent with care" therefore anything that happens with the kid has to go through her...
and I wasnt one of the many saying it was nothing to do with OP, my OH now will soon become stepdad to my DD and we have a solid parenting team, me him and DDs dad, but i know our situation is quite unique and in that we are very lucky.

this may come out wrong... but my DD lives with me full time, her dad and I split up 5 years ago and he works away, say I want to take DD on holiday I just do it, I will tell him obviously but i dont need his "permission"...
If he wants to take DD on holiday, we talk about it sensibly and make arrangements, but even though he is her father he cant do it without my say so... does that make sense?
having said that though, EX has no regard to school time etc and thinks he can just whip her out of school willy nilly because he wants too! :rolleyes:

daska

Curious_George wrote: »

say I want to take DD on holiday I just do it, I will tell him obviously but i dont need his "permission"...
If he wants to take DD on holiday, we talk about it sensibly and make arrangements, but even though he is her father he cant do it without my say so... does that make sense?

According to our solicitor you are wrong. Unless there is a residency or contact order stating that he must not take her out of the country, to x place etc, if he has parental responsibility then he gets to decide what they do, where they go during her time with him. You can stop her going by withholding her passport but he could get a court order to force you provide it. Yes, it's good manners to discuss it so that you know where your child is, but he is just as much her parent as you. Even if there is a court order it usually only limits time out of the country to 2 or 4 weeks.

maggied_2

Thanks CG - the comment wasn't just directed at you but more the "you're not his mother" sentiment of the whole thread - believe me stepmums don't need reminding of that fact at all, but are expected (and rightly so) to treat their stepchildren as their own.

I see what you're saying about the holidays and I know in practice the PWC does end up having the most say - doesn't mean it's right thought does it?

Everyone (me included) is coloured by their own experiences of this and because of events in my life I can empathise with the OP's frustration.

So with regards to holidays (only because you brought it up) our BM stopped us taking DSD on holiday this year because of my "weird eating habits".....that's not ok is it?

I do see what you're saying though so please don't think I was having a go - I just thought the overall tone of the thread was unfair towards the op.

maggied_2

daska wrote: »

According to our solicitor you are wrong. Unless there is a residency or contact order stating that he must not take her out of the country, to x place etc, if he has parental responsibility then he gets to decide what they do, where they go during her time with him. You can stop her going by withholding her passport but he could get a court order to force you provide it. Yes, it's good manners to discuss it so that you know where your child is, but he is just as much her parent as you. Even if there is a court order it usually only limits time out of the country to 2 or 4 weeks.

True - why, if you see my post above, OH is taking his X to court to get PR and a CO in the hope that she will stop using her DD as a way of manipulating OH!

moggylover

staceysteve wrote: »

No I didn't get good advice, I was told to stay out of a situation none of you know nothing about, if you did you would certainly know that it is impossible to not be involved, and I am not involving myself I am involved by my fiance's invitation thank you very much.

If there was more that we needed to know - then perhaps you needed to tell us that:D

If you are "involved by your fiance's invitation" then I suggest you tell him to get a backbone and deal with HIS ex himself.

You have had VERY good advice, you just didn't like it;)

maggied_2

^^yes she may have had advice but I personally don't think it was kind or constructive.

Maybe her fiance wants some support because they are a couple who presumably at some point will become husband and wife??? Or are couples just supposed to deal with their 'problems' separately?

miss.bint

maggied wrote: »

^^yes she may have had advice but I personally don't think it was kind or constructive.

Maybe her fiance wants some support because they are a couple who presumably at some point will become husband and wife??? Or are couples just supposed to deal with their 'problems' separately?

Thank you!
:T:T:T:T:T:T:T:T:T:T:T:T:T:T:T:T:T:T:T:T:T:T