Ive made a mess- thought I was being sensible- divorce law

p_joker

unless he is a monster or something please please please be honest with the man! does he have any idea you want to leave him? and with a child as well that will make things hard, I've said to my husband in the if he falls out of love with me all i ask is that he is honest with me I would rather know the truth that have him sneak around. Talk to him

Sambucus_Nigra

You really need to sort this out once and for all.

If my OH went through my bags; I'd be absolutely fine about it as I have nothing to hide - in fact he often does go through it looking for stuff for me when we are driving about and I need him to find [sunglasses, lipsalve etc]. We sometimes take each others mobiles to the allotment if ours has run out of juice.

Is it really worth scouting round for an excuse to end it? Just either do it or don't! If you don't trust him then you don't; why look for the detail - it's the bigger picture you should be concerned with!

jetta_wales

I concur that if you start up a computer in safe mode you will be able to log in as administrator which will most likely not have a password on it. When you start it up just press F8 repeatedly while the screen is blackens you don't miss the short time it has to be pressed in, if it doesn't work then you missed it so just restart and try again. You will then be able to go to his user files and see all Internet history.

I also concur that if my partner went in my bag I wouldn't bat an eyelid I've nothing to hide so I wouldn't think it was snooping. Just the other day I took his wallet (which was literally busting the seems with accumulated receipts/junk) I said I'm sorting it out now putting the stuff he needs in a new one he'd never used yet and binning all the crap. He concurred it needed doing and let me get on with it. Would your partner be ok with that? I'm guessing not.

My ex used to lie about spending, he started doing Internet banking so I wouldn't see the debt he was racking up. Needless to say it's one of the reasons we split. He's since remortgaged his house to the point where there's no equity left in it (after he bought me out so I got my equity) and still racks up more debt I fear he'll never change but it's not my problem any more because I took the leap and left and I'm happier than I ever could have thought possible.

I now truly know what a loving trusting relationship should be like and it's nothing like what I had with my ex and nothing like you describe yours to be either (sorry but you deserve so much more).

Contrary to popular belief, not all men are rotten you should give yourself hope of one day finding a decent one.

Do you honestly ever think he could be your happily ever after? If not then what's the point, it's scary but if it will give you back a glimmer of hope for a happy future then take it and get free of all this.

ViolaLass

Sambucus_Nigra wrote: »

Is it really worth scouting round for an excuse to end it? Just either do it or don't! If you don't trust him then you don't; why look for the detail - it's the bigger picture you should be concerned with!

I agree with this. There comes a point when not making a decision is worse than making the wrong decision.

You also need to think about the impact that all of this is having on your child. When I was 10, my mother told my father that once I was 18 and had moved out, she was going to leave him. I don't think he believed her - why would you? She spent the next 8 years complaining that she was unhappy, lonely etc but staying there for me and then moved out when I did. I wish she had just gone - it was too great a burden for a teenager to bear.

What happened to your six month deadline? Why are you still with him? The longer you stay (because you don't want to risk losing half your savings to him) the more savings you're building up to risk. Just do it, then it's done and you can move on.

maggirl

Thanks to everyone.

I am so unsure about what is happening and I can't talk to him as he will fly off the handle as usual.

He really doesnt get the opportunity to do anything as he is a real "homebird"- he doesnt go out with friends, he is at home all weekend and gets in from work before me on an evening.

Also as far as I am aware none of the condoms have been used yet, obviously!! I ust neam that the same number are there that were there kast week if you see what I mean, ...since I found them there are still the same number in the same places. They all have long expiry dates on them (2014 and beyond) so I guess they have been bought fairly recently. There are also 2 different brands. I dont know, Im starting to go slightly mad with all this detective work now.

My gut feeling is that he hasnt done anything YET. But he may be preparing to, I did catch him on that dating website and maybe he is flirting online, I dont know.

Last night we had a big argument as my DD is struggling at school. It is made worse as she goes to quite a posh/affluent school and some of her friends are getting private tutors to inprove their maths which means she is falling behind EVEN more. I just cant afford private tuition. I asked if he could help me with doing some extra work for her at home, e.g. sitting with her and working through some maths. He just went off on one, saying that she was lazy and should just be concentrating more at school and that he would help with extra homework at home etc but that I would have to set aside the time for it, make sure that she was going to do it and if she wasnt going to go along with it willingly he wouldnt bother. This is his own daughter he is talking about. Normally I do 100% of the homework with her, but in this case I just wanted a bit of extra support from him, I thought it would be more of a family effort and she would be more keen if we did it as a family.

Thats the sort of person he is.

I keep telling myself that no one can do this but me.

daska

You need to remind him what the deal was but TBH it sounds as if his anger problems are the sticking point (I recognise that one, lots of other people here will as well). So if you give him a deadline but you can't tell him that it's actually over then you have to come up with another plan. WomensAid might be able to help with tactics.

Alternatively... It sounds as if you might have enough money saved up to pay the deposit on a flat in your own name. (On a positive note, this is about the only place you can hide what's left of your money in full view without it counting as savings.) And you can pay a removal firm to pack and move you while he's at work, you've only been there a year so it shouldn't be as horrible a job as it could be.

cte1111

To me, he sounds like a rotten husband and not a great father. Finding condoms in 3 different places - unless you use them as a couple for contraception, the only reason for him having them is that he is using them with someone else. He refuses to help your daughter with her homework, I think if nothing else, then that would be the final straw for me.

I was in a relationship that wasn't going well years ago. The final act that made me ask my partner to move out was when he came home from work and refused to play with our daughter, saying he was tired. I thought what is the point of staying with him if he doesn't make me happy, I can't trust him (he stole money from me) and he can't even be bothered to play with his own child?

I'm not saying it's easy, it is really hard splitting up from someone that you once loved and with whom you have a child. But what kept me going was the faith that one day we both would be happier with people that suited us better. And now we are. I have been happily married for nearly 6 years and my ex got married a few months ago. Good luck, you really need to tell your husband how you feel and what you want.

ovoreo

Maybe you need to re-read your whole thread? Remind yourself of those feelings you had and see that 1 year on all your fears have come true (eg. He hasn't changed or used the house sale money to pay off his debts as you have). I think you need to decide how you feel once and for all. If you decide your future isn't together then you need to make some plans of your own and make them happen. You must be under so much pressure right now, I hope you are alright.

themull1

Either leave him or put up with him. Thats the choice. But don't come on here in 2012 with the same whinges, he's not going to change now. Its up to you to decide your future. My husband left me and our two kids in January, i thought i would never get over it, but i am. It gets easier every day. I hope you don't leave it too long before you decide, life's too short. x

squoog

It seems to me that he does not want to take responsibility for being in a relationship or for being a parent. You sound very capable and have probably helped the situation along, but that doesn't make his behaviour okay.
Is there any possibility you can go to Relate together? I really think you need help to communicate better if you are both willing.
You obviously are not happy and I wonder what it would take for you to leave him. If you find the evidence you are searching for will that be it?
I think you know the answer, but its scary to think of being on your own and presumably thinking of taking your daughter away from her Dad too. Personally, I think you can only be the best mother for your child if you are happy with yourself and this relationship doesn't seem to help you with that!
Money wise, perhaps now is a better time to set maintenance as he is working...
I really hope that you can make a change for you and your daughter. If the marriage is worth saving you can still do that if you are apart for a while. Good Luck!