Ive made a mess- thought I was being sensible- divorce law

maggirl

Sorry...dont understand the reply above about being your wife..???

Basicaly dont want to bore anyone with moaning about our relationship. BUT

I am the main breadwinner for the family. I dont earn a huge wage....just over average for the UK.... I work my butt off working full time in a very stressful job. I rarely get quality time with my child as a result of working full time. He uses the "for richer for poorer" argument to me all the time, whenever I say he should be pulling his weight financially and contributing to the family, usually whenever I get fed up with him and try and argue that he should be supporting me more. I agree that marriage should be a partnership, but Im starting to think that this is unfair on me as he has been out of work (either as a student, (MSc) through which I financially supported him or just on the dole) for 80% of our marriage. He always blames someone else for his own circumstances, e.g. "Its not my fault I can't get a job" but if it was me I would take any job offered and be out every day looking for work..

I have stuck by him through thick and thin, sometimes when he has been a complete !!!!!! to me because I believe that marriage should be a serious committment....but really I am at the end of my tether with it all and can't face another 20 odd years of having what is really another "grown up" child to look after. For once I wish I had someone who would look after and support me instead of the other way around. if I got sck for example (god forbid) and couldnt work.....he wouldnt support me, because he's not capable fo doing so.

Anyway, I know this is devious but is there any way i could hide my paltry savings that i have just managed to get from the house...do you have to declare them on court forms, do they do searches??? Otherwise I might as well just forget the idea of saving anything........I was hoping to put it away for a more secure future for my child......who is fast growing up.

74jax

could you not put the savings in your child's name for the future?

I think when it comes round to the divorce the solicitors will know about the 50/50 split and that you each had that money. I don't think you could then split it again if you got divorced. However i'd take advice.

When you split the proceeds 50/50 I'm guessing this was done through a solictor and wasn't just paid to you both as a whole?

Mark_the_owl

ukjoel wrote: »

We are selling our house

ARE YOU MY WIFE????

I thought everything was fine and you loved me and the kids.
Maybe I was wrong - You hid it well and I must say this is a shock.

You can have the kids but can I keep the dog please?

Hilarious!

I'm sure maggirl's laughing along at your callous attempt at a "joke".

Some people's attitude amazes me.

itsallinthemind

OP-You are now in a flat totally in your name-yes?

You are capable of managing your own financial affairs and looking after your daughter-yes?

So the only question is, why is he there? Not one of your posts indicates that you still want to be with him, love him - yes you do, but not be with him. Maybe mummy needs to bail him out again. I just personally read this as if you are dragging it out so long and making it more painful and confusing for all.

maggirl

I know people get different reactions on a message board, but please I am looking for constructive advice and trying to be an adult about this.

No the money split was not done through a solicitor. As the house was in my name, the equity was paid to me alone. He knew exactly what equity we had released so I couldnt con him (not that i would want to) so i just wrote him a cheque for his "share" minus what I had taken off after writing one to his mum for what "we" owed her.

As I mentioned before as soon as I mentioned doing it through a solicitor and having a pre sale agreement he started to get angry.......

Selling the house and squaring myself up financially was my top priority, for my sake and my childs too!...whatever happens I have to be able to support us both, land being bankrupt was not a good option....so I had to do anything to ensure that the house sale went trough smoothly. Now he has had his fll share of the proceeds of the house, upfront. I have no other assets apart from my old banger of a car and the bit of money i was trying to put away for emergencies. It feels so frustrating that I might lose that to him too!

Maybe I could put it in a shoebox under the bed......hmmmmm...

maggirl

Well I had also mentally agreed with myself to give him another chance, and see how we got on after 6 months...we are now 2 months into my unspoken deadline of 6 months....if I saw he was making an effort to change, a genuine effort to change, then there might be a way back for us. I do still love/care for him...ive been with him for a very long time and in many ways he is still my best friend, the person that knows me best.....also the father of my child and she loves him very much....but I also know that he has really let me down.....unless he radically changes and starts behaving like a "man" and taking responsibility for his own life and not just relying on me to support the whole family (yes sorry that sounds old fashioned)

I know deep down that this is unlkely to happen but now that I have got out of the financial mess it won't do much harm just to allow him this one final chance. I would feel better within myself if I did this. But maybe I AM just dragging it out,., what do you think?

Im a bit of a coward, I hate being on my own, I hate also making decisions!! I read somewhere that not making a decision, doing nothing and just letting things drift is a decision in itself, and thati s what I feel I am doing at the moment but after the stress of selling the house I just feel like I need some breathing space....Ive kept it together, been a mum, kept going at work, when many would have thrown in th towel and just gone off sick with stress....I've spent months where I have had sleepless nights, worying about money, worrying about whether or not to split with him, and still not made a decision...

Its just such a sad sad situation to be in.

itsallinthemind

Surely if you SPLIT after the money is SPLIT, a half sensible judge would only possibly looking at any monies up until that date?

Stay together 6 months and you'll be looking at half of whatever you accumalate

neneromanova

itsallinthemind wrote: »

Surely if you SPLIT after the money is SPLIT, a half sensible judge would only possibly looking at any monies up until that date?

Stay together 6 months and you'll be looking at half of whatever you accumalate

Yes exactly, As as you have no debts now, any extra money that you get from your job and put away for savings (I bet it's lovely hearing that word) will be split because you are still married. Hell, If you won the lottery tomorrow he'd be entitled to half!

itsallinthemind

maggirl wrote: »

Well I had also mentally agreed with myself to give him another chance, and see how we got on after 6 months...we are now 2 months into my unspoken deadline of 6 months....if I saw he was making an effort to change, a genuine effort to change, then there might be a way back for us. I do still love/care for him...ive been with him for a very long time and in many ways he is still my best friend, the person that knows me best.....also the father of my child and she loves him very much....but I also know that he has really let me down.....unless he radically changes and starts behaving like a "man" and taking responsibility for his own life and not just relying on me to support the whole family (yes sorry that sounds old fashioned)

I know deep down that this is unlkely to happen but now that I have got out of the financial mess it won't do much harm just to allow him this one final chance. I would feel better within myself if I did this. But maybe I AM just dragging it out,., what do you think?

Im a bit of a coward, I hate being on my own, I hate also making decisions!! I read somewhere that not making a decision, doing nothing and just letting things drift is a decision in itself, and thati s what I feel I am doing at the moment but after the stress of selling the house I just feel like I need some breathing space....Ive kept it together, been a mum, kept going at work, when many would have thrown in th towel and just gone off sick with stress....I've spent months where I have had sleepless nights, worying about money, worrying about whether or not to split with him, and still not made a decision...

Its just such a sad sad situation to be in.

I think you need to communicate your deadline with him!

To be he does not sound like a bad guy, just maybe a bit daft and like having another kiddie! Maybe he believes that everything will be okay as you did not walk away after the house sale?

I can FULLY understand why you kind of went about things in an underhand way, but I think now you need to be 100% straight and spell everything out, as if he were a kiddie!

Course you love him, my ex was incredibly nasty and I could not stand the sight of him, but I still loved him. But unless he changed and fast, love was not enough.

Don't think about your daughter, she needs a happy mum, whether that means without or without being with her father.

Yes breathing space is understandable, but plese be straight with him, let him know EXACTALLY what thescore is and stick to it. It gives him a chance to sort himself out and for you to think more.

However I would be insisting I knew exactally what he was doing with that money and the debts NOW, or he could leave that instant. It's one thing giving him time to change his spending habits and attitude, but if he has the money to pay those debts off, he should be paying it NOW!

Don't be hard on yourself about being indecisive, it is one of the most important decisions you will make, so give yourself a break

*Louise*

itsallinthemind wrote: »

Yes breathing space is understandable, but plese be straight with him, let him know EXACTALLY what thescore is and stick to it. It gives him a chance to sort himself out and for you to think more.

However I would be insisting I knew exactally what he was doing with that money and the debts NOW, or he could leave that instant. It's one thing giving him time to change his spending habits and attitude, but if he has the money to pay those debts off, he should be paying it NOW!

I am inclined to agree with this

If he was to go 6 months without having the problem pointed out to him again, he is jut digging himself a deeper hole.

If you genuinely want to save things, you need to be straight and tell him NOW that if he doesn't pay off those debts, then there is little hope for you both.