Ive made a mess- thought I was being sensible- divorce law

Skintee

Oh dear i can really sympathise with your situation.

I have very similar problems with my layabout alcoholic partner who despite 1000s of promises still avoids work and spends like money is going out of fashion. I was never in debt until I met him.

Despite this I love him. My head says leave but I never ger farther than that. Any time the subject is broached about me being unhappy he flies off the handle, and I end up staying. We now have a 3yr old child which just complicated matters as my dp would use him in a separation battle .

So in short I understand your dillema.

The sensible thing is to put your cards on the table with him. But it could all end up very badly. This way after a battle you should come up tops financially.

Me, I would go the route of selling the property, making sure his debts are paid (its your house, so you are in control of this) Then tackling the separation.

You lose out financially this way, but its only money, happiness comes first, you can always make more money.... just a thought...

notakid

maggirl wrote: »

Ok thanks for the replies.

I was just wanting some advice and i know it comes across as me acting badly to him...

Im not looking for anyone else or wanting anyone else in my life. am heartbroken that my marriage has failed.

He has let me down over so many things, getting a job, stopping drinking, even learning to drive which he has been promising to do ever since we were married.

Anyway, I just wanted to know is it disasterous to enter into a sale of house, knowing that you might be splitting up, without a pre sale agreement.

Chin up Magirl, if its any consolation when I read your OP I thought I'd do that! One thing at a time in my view and I think you still aren't 100% committed to the relationship ending and thats why you are deferring.

I think VD's advice is right, see what happens next once you are in rented accom. Clear your debts, insist on taking control to ensure both of you are clear then make your mind up. Think of it this way, you are cutting the ties.

I don't think you are taking your partner for a ride, his obviously shown you he can't be trusted and tbh I can't see how your actions benefit you in anyway except less stress. If you really do need to to sell the house, for goodness sake don't say anything until the sale has gone thru. I dealt with many a vindictive ex when I was an estate agent, all sense goes out of the window, they don't care if they ruin themselves as long as they can hurt their ex.

Also divorce courts do not make any moral judgements you can behave as you wish it will not affect the outcome. It is a legal process to end marriage and nothing else.

You must know that Moneysaving site can be like bloody sometimes, opinions are cheap, esp. behind a keyboard!

Anastasia

Have a friend in this situation. She is putting the house on the market and then is planning on telling her husband she is leaving when the house is sold. She is doing it this way because he is a potential threat to her and also if she just left him she would never get him out of the house.

She has sought legal advice but I am going to get her to read this thread.

MissMoneypenny

I went the route of telling my OH that I wanted to divorce before we sold the house to be fair to him, but after that he made the house sale as hard as he could as well as causing as many financial problems as he could think of. He was abusive before, but he got much worse when he knew I was divorcing him. The solicitors bills then ran into thousands. With hindsight, I wish we had sold the house and then I told him that I was divorcing him when we were out of the house.

If you do go down this route, can you both stay with relatives before you tell him? If you get a rental, make sure you don't put the contract in joint names or you will be liable for all the rent if he stays in the rental and stops paying - even after the contact has finished and he goes onto a periodical tenancy.

MissMoneypenny

DVardysShadow wrote: »

All the more reason to tell him. You are going to sign a contract to sell the house and you have to promise vacant possession. Buyer's solicitor may require [and I now see why they do this] that your OH signs the contract too as an occupier. There is no way out of this - you are making him homeless, you need to tell him

Isn't that all the more reason not to tell him before?

My house was in my sole name too.

Scubabe

If I were in your shoes, I would:
1. accept the house offer (forget about the pre-sale agreement)
2. move out of house TOGETHER, into either a family member's house if possible, or if not then into rented accommodation. If rented accom I would try and get it in my sole name only
3. Settle ALL debts for both of you - his mother included
4. Once you no longer have the huge massive debts hanging above your heads (honestly, with a mortgage and £100K+ of debt between you, things must have been seriously stressful!), THEN attend marriage counselling (try Relate) to see if you can save the marriage. Do this together, so you're both honest and open about everything. See if he can get help with his alcohol abuse, try to find a job, etc - explain to him through counselling that this is the last chance, and if he wants to keep you then he must work for you
5. If the marriage cannot be saved, then split up and go your seperate ways

But without the stress of debt over both your heads, with assistance you may be able to find a way through things without divorcing - it sounds like you are very confused about things and this way you would be able to take your time and investigate all avenues.

Best of luck for the future!

Yorkie1234

Hi,

I agree with the posters who suggest going ahead with the sale, clearing your debts, then decide if you want to separate.

Although it may appear underhand not to tell your OH I don't see what telling him now would achieve and you could end up in a situation where you're stuck in a house with someone you no longer want to be with if he decides to be awkward about selling the house.

Also if you feel able, the suggestion of moving into rented accomodation might be a good idea. You wouldn't have the stress of debts hanging over your head, and once you've settled into the accomodation you could sit your OH down and tell him how you feel. This way if it doesn't work out at least you know you've given it one last go and you've given your OH notice that you intent to divorce him if things don't improve. Also it gives you a bit of breathing space to prepare your daughter.

Pepzofio

How does the whole marital asset thing work if you are just separated but not divorced? Surely there is no obligation for either party to divide anything in their sole name until it reaches divorce settlement stage? (No real knowledge in this area, just my 'layman's' understanding!)

I say this because I used to work with someone who (according to her) had separated from her husband, he then p*ssed all his money up the wall and when it came to the divorce she still have to give him 'his share' of the savings she had been diligently putting aside for their daughters' uni educations. The judge sympathised with her but said he had no choice but to look at what was 'in the pot' at the time of the hearing, not what was there when they first decided to divorce. (I think it would have been different if he'd been 'hiding assets', but just frittering the money away going out with mates was apparently allowed.)

maggirl

Hello, well, heres an update...and I would appreciate any advice or others experience.

....after mulling over everything, I told him that I had been seeing a solicitor. He refused to sign any pre-sale agreement. He swung from being realy angry to being tearful and made lots of promises that he would change, etc etc.

I did not want to lose the house sale...everything was riding on selling the house and sorting out both our finances; so I agreed to give things another go for 6 months....we went ahead and have now sold the house...I needed him to cooperate with me to get the house sold. That sounds harsh and calculating but with so much debt between us, it was a sad fact. It would benefit neither of us to allow the sale to fall through ...with all the high monthly committments I was a whisker away from bankrupcy. So i put aside any discussion about leaving him.

Financially I have been saved. I split the money from the house with him 50/50 and I have spent the last two weeks having the massive satisfaction of cutting up my credit cards and closing down all my credit card accounts. I dont owe anyone a bean! I have no assets (apart from 3k that I have shoved in an ISA and a small amount of cash I have stuffed away for emergencies that he doesnt know about) but no debt either. It feels like a new start for me financially. I am never ever ever going to get into debt again (except perhaps a manageable affordable mortgage if I ever get the chance) or allow him to bully me into getting into debt.

BUT......I gave him half the money. I know that he has paid his mum back now; which I am so relieved about; I would hate to think that she was left being owed money (NB I wrote the cheque out to her directly so that it wasn't in his name and had to go direct to her bank account)

But as far as I know (he refuses to discuss it with me and says it is his business and that he is dealing with it) he hasnt paid off any of his own credit cards, which are in his name only. I've been open with him, told him what i owed and also that I have paid them off.

So we are now 1 month into what is supposed to be a "new start" for us....we are renting a house (correction, I am renting a house and paying the rent, he isnt contributing much) and his attitude towards money doesnt seem to have changed. He is talking about booking expensive holidays and is busy spending his share of the house proceeds......

So if things dont work out and I turn again to thinking about calling it a day between us, if he has been a stupid so-and-so and hasn't bothered paying off any of his huge debt when he had every opportunity to do so, would I be liable for his debt?? and also could he come after the few thousand pounds I have now saved for a rainy day? He doesnt actually know that I have opened an isa so would he be able to trace it? I'm more worried about being saddled with half his personal debt.

DVardysShadow

maggirl wrote: »

Hello, well, heres an update...and I would appreciate any advice or others experience.

.....

So if things dont work out and I turn again to thinking about calling it a day between us, if he has been a stupid so-and-so and hasn't bothered paying off any of his huge debt when he had every opportunity to do so, would I be liable for his debt?? and also could he come after the few thousand pounds I have now saved for a rainy day? He doesnt actually know that I have opened an isa so would he be able to trace it? I'm more worried about being saddled with half his personal debt.

Thanks for coming back and updating. You did take the advice about Joint Debt didn't you? You paid Joint Debt off before splitting the assets? And you have closed all Joint Accounts?

If so, you are in the clear. It doesn't matter what he knows about your ISA.