Ive made a mess- thought I was being sensible- divorce law

maggirl

I know..I know...I know....if it was myself advising another person it would be easy to give advice! Im grateful to everyone here for reinforcing this, as it must be obvious by what I'm writing that I have grave doubts about whether he will change at all.

I've made it clear to him in no uncertain terms that I think he ought to be paying off the debt but when he gets backed into a corner (he won't discuss it with me- I have to ask him) he just snaps my head off.

He knows that being in debt has been the main cause of my stress for so long....so I can't understand why he doesnt just want to get things sorted out.

I've also told him that he doesnt have the excuse of doing up the house to stop him looking for work now......but I can't force him to look for work...I have tried this in the past and again it just backfires on me.

Anyhow, I know that I cant procrastinate about this......I'm going to (try) to have another sensible talk with him about the future.....I'm just worried that i will lose half of anything I am sensible abotu saving over the next while if it does go pear shaped.

Thanks everyone, will keep you posted about how things progress....I very much appreciate the advice...

*Louise*

Good luck with the talk x

itsallinthemind

maggirl wrote: »

I've made it clear to him in no uncertain terms that I think he ought to be paying off the debt but when he gets backed into a corner (he won't discuss it with me- I have to ask him) he just snaps my head off.

I've also told him that he doesnt have the excuse of doing up the house to stop him looking for work now......but I can't force him to look for work...I have tried this in the past and again it just backfires on me.

Well done

Just a thought, at different times in the past when having reasonably simmilar ultimatum conversations I have handled it wrongly as the way I have approached it has gone against that persons personality and it made things very difficult.

Try not to back him into a corner, there is a difference between laying your cards out and being firm plus prepared to stick to what you say and making him feel like he is being backed into a corner. Doing that can make some people act twice as bad orchildish even.

Instead of having a lengthly discussion(you both know the score) and being negative, why not approach it positively. Reinforce how much you love him and how you are going to do anything to preserve and step forward wth your relationship. Then maybe suggest a time you can both sit down together and sort out getting these debts paid as they feel like a shadow over your relationship.

He has not responded to the way you have approached it so far so maybe you need to try a different approach. I HATE to say it, but if he does not respond to a different approach, no matter how much you love him it may be a lost cause, he obviously does not have a lot of respect for you and you are fast losing yours for him

I've noticed that nobody has given you advice on squirelling money away, probably for quite good reasons. However, if you are going to go ahead with doing so look at this MSE link on Child Savings . I'll pm you about certain goods that hold their resale value. I do think you should be VERY careful though, but at the end of the day it is probably advisable tht you have an exit fund, should he refuse to leave your flat or he becomes very difficult.

itsallinthemind

maggirl your pm is box full

maggirl

Ok, just about to delete some!!

maggirl

Hello , I've come back to ask for some advice.

A year has gone by and my situation hasn't improved.

We are still living in rented accomodation. As far as I know he hasnt paid off any of his debts, he is still on a debt management plan. He never discusses his debts with me, just gets angry if I mention it. I have some small savings and have stashed a bit of money (around £1000) in an account in my daughters name.

He has now been lucky enough to get a good job, a one year contract which could be made permanent. For the last 8 months he has been earning good money.

However he still has the same attitude towards money. He is booking expensive holidays, and spending a lot of money on designer clothes and stuff (e.g. has just bought himself a new I-pad) whereas I am trying to stash money for a house deposit. We dont have joint bank accounts or any joint debts.

Im just fed up with his attitude towards money, he tells so many lies about buying stuff. He got me a very expensive present for my birthday (over £300) which I didnt ask for, and to be honest didnt really want, and he is now going mad because he says I dont appreciate it and am ungrateful. Im pretty sure he has been on internet dating sites although he keeps things well hidden and password protected. When I confronted him about it he denied it, but he is being very secretive. I caught him looking at a site but he said he had gone on it by accident. Yes of course.

Im very stressed at the moment. My own job is under threat of redundancy and I want to be as careful with money as possible. He says Im not being a wife to him because ...ahem....I havent been keen on being physically close to him for a long time due to the way he bahaves with money and his lies. I just cant stop thinking about him going on internet dating sites and worse, carrying things through but if I told him this he would just either deny it or get angry. He just says that im making it all up, that Im being stupid and that the ne site that i caught him browsing onto was just a simple mistake.

The worst bit is that I have no concrete proof of anything. He keeps his banking completely seperate to mine, which is a blessing in some ways. I've found recepits around the house for expensive purchases, designer jeans, sunglasses, computer equipment etc. He has also just booked an expensive holiday for the end of the month.

Then to add to my worries a few weeks ago I found a small box of condoms...he said that these were old ones from ages ago that he had bought when I missed my pill. I'm now so suspicious of him that I admit I have been going through his stuff when he is not around. I found a couple of condoms in his suitcase that he uses whenever we go on holiday, then even worse I found some in the front (secret) pocket of the bag he takes to work. If I confront him with this he will know that I have been through his bag. He works ordinary hours, and is always at home before me when I get home, he never goes away on his own and doesnt go out on a night on his own. At weekends he is always at home. So apart from having an affair with someone at work, or sneaking out at lunchtimes I cant think when he could be getting the opportunity to have an affair. Also I found the condoms a week or so ago and the same number are still hidden in his bag so he hasnt actually USED any of them as far as I can tell.

Just dont know what to do really. I'd hate to think that he was going through my handbag so I can understand if he got angry finding out I had been through his personal possessions/bag. He will also just come out with the same crap excuse that it is ones from ages ago...but why is he carrying them in his work bag??

Don't I sound pathetic, I just hate confrontation and arguing and he always twists things to make out they are my fault.

With the things being zipped up I his bag I have no excuse to find them "by accident"

I just never thought he was capable of doing that to me, yes he is crap when it comes to money but now I think I am losing my mind with all of this.

1sttimer_2

Oh my - poor you maggirl. I've just read through all the posts and although I cannot help with any information on your house sale etc (although that seems to have been sorted out) I really feel for you - on top of all your money problems, the fact that you now think/feel that your OH is cheating on you, this is going to be the final straw!

Do you think that because of him getting a new job, ready money (albeit should have been to pay off debts) in hand, that he's thinking he's top dog? Does he have to keep up to appearances in new job, and so he thinks that the way to do this is to appear to have no problems and chats about what he is buying, always to be the best/most uptodate etc.?

I know it's easy to say from behind a keyboard to a blank page, but you really need to have some clearance from him. Can you say you need a break from each other as your last 6 months (or whatever) deadline has passed and that he's not kept his side of the deal (if indeed you did make a deal)? In a break, I mean a separation.

I read he's now got a job but if your original stress was caused by his debts and he's not helped you dispell this stress, and now you have suspicions of his infidelity, (gut feelings are sometimes right!) then perhaps in the long run, even though you still love him, he just isn't the man you want to spend the rest of your life with.

No one should/can tell what you to do next, that is entirely down to you. If you want to try Relate, then go for it, even if at the end of it you decide to do what you really wanted to do at the very beginning and leave him, you will have had the opportunity to speak to someone who has the knowledge of what you might be going through. You can go by yourself if your OH doesn't/won't go with you.

Good luck, and lots of hugs to you (((((hugs)))))

maggirl

Thanks for the kind words. I feel awful that I have been going through his stuff. I know that opinions will be divided over this.....I feel like I have got to the point where I can't trust him about anything. There may be an innocent explaination about the condoms....I'm sure he will come up with a pausible excuse...he is very clever and quick thinking. Maybe he did just have them around and shoved them in his bag so that DD wouldnt find them, thats the sort of excuse/explaination he will come up with. I have no proof that he has done ANYTHING so far, only that I caught him vewing an internet dating site for unhappily married people who wanted some "fun" outside marriage...he quickly shut off the site and then the next day he password protected his computer.

Im just so tired of arguing with him then him turning the blame on me and making out its ME who is in the wrong.

Bogof_Babe

From what I remember from the dim and distant, condoms have a use-by date, if not on the individual ones then on the outer box. Could be one way of telling whether they are genuinely "old" ones.

if I'm allowed to post a link, here is a useful USA website for people going through the trauma of infidelity. There's loads of advice and support on the forums, plus other areas with helpful information.

www.survivinginfidelity.com

bagginslover

I suppose you do have proof he is going to work every day? Does he have a contract with set hours on that you have seen? If not, he could have plenty of time to be having an affair, going out in the morning, not back til 5.
Take a note of the batch codes and expiry dates on his condoms, then you'll be able to tell if he's just replacing them or not.
Think of excuses to phone him at work, to see if he is actually there-his hours might have been cut, especially if it's a temporary position.
If his computer is running on windows xp, you can start it up in safe mode to access the Internet history, its very rare that there is an administrator password set up (press F8 on startup) I'm pretty sure there are ways round passwords on other OS's too, try googling for them. Have you tried guessing his password?

I don't know if any of this helps, but it's what sprang to mind reading your posts, I hope you can get everything sorted out, one way or another.