Relationship advice: my OH didn't defend me!!

slinks

Sallys_Savings wrote:

Sllinks...I'm married to someone I love dearly for the last 20 years....but I'm he would of probably done the same as your oh in the same circumstances.

I like you would of taken it as a way of him not caring etc ...but he just doesnt see it in the same light. Saying that I was ok and against women I could hold my own. But just a little word or a hold of the hand would of made me feel better if I'd been in your situation.

Lack of sleep and not listening I know would definitely be the response of my oh too (he was a nightmare when he worked nights, we'd have a conversation about something and he would swear black and blue 4 hours later that we hadnt lol) So that could be playing a part in your oh reaction.
If he was really tired, he was probably standing there in a bit of a daze.
(I remember my oh watching my daughters footie match in a state like this lol and he couldnt remember most of the game when she commented on it)

I wish you all the best ...give it time and dont give up on your relationship if this is the only thing between you.
I would love my oh to be more supportive and a super hero lol but it just isnt him.
I can only imagine that the whole event has been traumatic for you and your ohs reaction is adding to it. Take it one step at a time, report the people at IKEA (or the cast of little britain ) Getting it off your chest may help in this way too and then have a quiet word with him when you've calmed down yourself.

thank u thank u thank u

a little word or hold of the hand would have been very useful.

cr*p, i had to rush off to the loo in the middle of replying then, nearly threw up probably cos i'm so stressed out. i just feel pants all of a sudden

thanks for this, i will reply properly later. need to lie down xxx

reehsetin

with the calling names maybe not such a big issue - but if my bloke did nothing when i was being physically intimidated - my hand slapped away - and did pretty much nothing when i was standing there in tears id kick his !!! he'd get hell for it
some things it can be better to be just stay quiet but at that time he needed to show some support it may have made people lay off u as theyd think theyd be fighting with 2 people not one and just to make sure nothing happened to you

Doodles

Hi

Really sorry to hear this happened to you, that's awful. Bet you felt that the whole world was against you that day! Sounds like you encountered women-from-hell that day.

To me, I'm wondering if your boyfriend didn't actually believe you and that's why he decided to stay quiet - ie. maybe he missed something at the beginning perhaps? Does he usually hate any sort of confrontation?

Either way, I would be gutted at his reaction though (or lack of it!) and if it was me, I think I would have to call time on that relationship.

hjb123

HI,

Maybe you could make enquiries at the police station and see what they say - its worth a try - they would be able to tell you whether you are able to get hold of the CCTV tapes. If they dont consider there to be a case then so be it but its worth a try!

$17mma

How did it go?Did you get an opportunity to speak to him?

lister

slinks wrote:

Thanks hobo28, I really wanted a male opinion. Any males out there disagree so I can try and understand my OH a bit more??

I haven't read all the replies yet, so maybe someone else has come out with this already. I also don't think you will want to hear this view, but here goes anyway

You probably won't be able to see this at the moment, but from where I am sat, it seems that you (and a number of other - mainly female it seems - posters) are really not very different from 'Vicky Pollard' et al. You have said several times that you would be 'in the front line' if friends and family were in a similar situation regardless of whether they are in the wrong or not. Is this not exactly what this bevy of well-bred ladies were doing? Once one took offence, rightly or wrongly, at something (in her own charming way of course), the others felt duty-bound to join in. You were expecting your OH to do the same, and escalate the situation further. That would be like trying to put out a fire with petrol.

The inability to back down, to me, is a dreaful human trait. It doesn't matter if you are right or wrong - escalating a conflict of any kind is almost never a successful strategy. This is exactly how neighbour disputes arise, how road rage arises, how pub brawls arise, how wars start - it affects human interaction on every scale.

To me, where your OH went wrong wasn't not coming forward to defend you, it was in not removing you from the situation. In his position I would have tried to get you to calm down and back down from the conflict. If you weren't prepared to give up the fight, I would simply have suggested we left, and would leave myself if you wouldn't come with me. To be honest, I suspect your OH was partly frightened by the situation and partly embarassed by it and simply didn't know what to do.

Backing down isn't a sign of weakness, it is a sign of strength. Escalating a dispute doesn't require any character, strength of mind, courage or skill - it is the easy option, and generally the wrong option. I am frankly quite shocked by the number of people on this thread (and I am only on page 2 so far) who seem to imply that they quite often get into disputes that might require intervention from a partner, friend, relative etc.

wigginsmum

I'm with you, lister - my DH can be quite volatile and I've walked away from him on occasion when he's got into a dispute, whether he was in the right or wrong, because it's embarassing and sometimes even frightening. One time when he took on some car mechanics who'd been rude to him, I called the police because I thought it possible someone would stick him with a knife. I'd rather walk away with dignity. Won't stop the other party from carrying on like this but at least I know I haven't exacerbated the situation.

$17mma

lister wrote:

I am frankly quite shocked by the number of people on this thread who seem to imply that they quite often get into disputes that might require intervention from a partner, friend, relative etc.

You have made some good pointsI agree that turning away is the braver thing to do, however there are times when you are backed into a corner and you have to say or do something to defend yourself even if it is walking away especially when someone else gets physical with you.I do not see anywhere on the thread where anyone has said that they "often" get into disputes and expect their OH to get involved and back them up, far from it however I have heard people say that if they were in this situ they would want, like, expect their other half to have said or done at least take your partner and leave ( chairs arent/worth the agro or abuse)

Triker

Please correct me if I'm wrong but I thought Slinks post highlighted 2 issues, firstly a nasty situation which escalated very quickly with Slinks being the focus of ridicule, abuse, and probably assault and her partners reaction to this. The points that I picked out were the utter devastation that she felt that in this situation whereby she was going through a range of emotions (I'm guessing, incredulity, shock, embarrassment, fear, bewilderment and finally griefstricken) and throughout her partner did not offer any support. The point being that support from her partner could have been in any way, standing next to her to show the others that she was not alone. Leading her away from the women, looking shocked at the way his girfriend had been treated, stating that he would be getting on to Ikea to make a formal complaint regarding the way his partner had been treated, holding on to her whilst she was upset, drying her tears, calling those idiots involved all the names under the sun........anything to show some support would have been better than nothing.Support doesn't have to be rushing in a volatile situation and being a he-man. It's those silent messages from your loved one to let you know that they are there for you, a look, grabbing hold of your hand, standing next to you, basically giving the rest of the world a clear message that you are not alone, this doesn't appear to have happened.

rick27

lister wrote:

I haven't read all the replies yet, so maybe someone else has come out with this already. I also don't think you will want to hear this view, but here goes anyway

You probably won't be able to see this at the moment, but from where I am sat, it seems that you (and a number of other - mainly female it seems - posters) are really not very different from 'Vicky Pollard' et al. You have said several times that you would be 'in the front line' if friends and family were in a similar situation regardless of whether they are in the wrong or not. Is this not exactly what this bevy of well-bred ladies were doing? Once one took offence, rightly or wrongly, at something (in her own charming way of course), the others felt duty-bound to join in. You were expecting your OH to do the same, and escalate the situation further. That would be like trying to put out a fire with petrol.

The inability to back down, to me, is a dreaful human trait. It doesn't matter if you are right or wrong - escalating a conflict of any kind is almost never a successful strategy. This is exactly how neighbour disputes arise, how road rage arises, how pub brawls arise, how wars start - it affects human interaction on every scale.

To me, where your OH went wrong wasn't not coming forward to defend you, it was in not removing you from the situation. In his position I would have tried to get you to calm down and back down from the conflict. If you weren't prepared to give up the fight, I would simply have suggested we left, and would leave myself if you wouldn't come with me. To be honest, I suspect your OH was partly frightened by the situation and partly embarassed by it and simply didn't know what to do.

Backing down isn't a sign of weakness, it is a sign of strength. Escalating a dispute doesn't require any character, strength of mind, courage or skill - it is the easy option, and generally the wrong option. I am frankly quite shocked by the number of people on this thread (and I am only on page 2 so far) who seem to imply that they quite often get into disputes that might require intervention from a partner, friend, relative etc.

Wonderful and well thought out reply!
About what I had wanted to say,so Ill not add anything else.