Relationship advice: my OH didn't defend me!!

slinks

misty wrote:

I would be fuming that he didn't defend me too. I would expect a partner to give some support even if they thought I was wrong - they could point out I was wrong in private! Even if he thought you were in the wrong, he could have said something! I remember an ex not defending me when someone he knew said something insulting to me. He later said, the guy was drunk and probably didn't mean it. I was more upset about him not defending me than I was about what his friend said. I think you need to feel that your OH is the person who will fight your corner no matter what, who will defend oyu no matter what. That they are on your side.

exactly

i too was more upset about him not defending me than anything else that happened that day. weird huh?

slinks

culpepper wrote:

Well I havent read the whole thread but if you are complaining to IKEA, complain to their head office. If everyone at the croydon branch is awful then they arent going to reprimand anyone. If head office is told, something might get done. Always go to the most senior person that you can find and thats not going to be anyone at the croydon branch.

ty, i will complain to higher up the ikea chain as someone earlier kindly pointed out too. it's not acceptable!!!!

slinks

DavidF wrote:

I do hope the op shows her oh this thread and maybe in future he can be more assertive/protective. Like i mentioned in the post if i was in the queue and witnessed all of the events as described then i would most probanly have got involved by attaracting the security guard and politely telling him to er......Do his job.

It must be the scottish blood in me lol.

i showed him the thread...

it didn't help...

i'm scottish born and bred (well, bred for about a year lol) so maybe it is the scottish blood thing!!

slinks

Fran wrote:

I suppose I agree with the people who have said that's what he's like, that's the way he copes. You can think of the positive side, that at least he doesn't appear to have a short fuse so he's probably a nice calm person to have around. Also perhaps he thought you are strong and were doing a fine job at looking after yourself thanks! Perhaps he thought you'd turn on him if he said anything? Perhaps he was scared stiff of all these screaming, swearing, shoving women? If this is the only problem with your relationship, I'm sure you'll work it all out.

thanks for such a positive reply Fran!!

he is a lovely, calm person to be around - opposites attract and all that... he told me earlier that i can look after myself and that if he had told me to 'leave it' then i would have been mad with him - which is true. but i didn't want someone to tell me to 'leave it' - i was tring to defend myself against nutters and needed support!

i hope we can work it out. right now i'm torn between packing my bags and trying to sort it out calmly. i tried talking and ended up screaming and crying so it seems right now 'calmly' isn't an option

slinks

black-saturn wrote:

I think things probably got out of hand due to the 1p chairs being on offer and it got to be like a bit of a cattle market.

If you were assaulted (which in my view you were) I would have phoned the police. Even if they can't catch who did it at least it goes down that Ikea didnt help at all.

ty - i am still umming and ahhing about reporting it to the police. in my view, assault is harming someone. i just asked google and apparently:

"Assault is the crime of violence against another person. In some jurisdictions, assault is used to refer to the actual violence, while in other jurisdictions (e.g. some in the United States, England and Wales), assault refers only to the threat of violence, while the actual violence is battery."

so yes, i was assaulted. and whilst i don't think it was battery, there are laws against people trying to hurt others!!!

i told my OH that i had been attacked both physically and verbally while he did nothing. he replied that i hadn't been actually really been 'attacked' :mad:

IMHO, being shoved, grabbed, slapped and threatened is an attack

he didn't want things to escalate. on the other hand, he did nothing to help matters

slinks

Lillibet wrote:

Not a lot I can say that hasn't already been said by others, but wanted to offer my virtual support.

Ikea Croydon is diabolical at the best of times (my hubby breaks out in a rash at the mere mention of the place) & I am not suprised at the staff actions. I do think they need bringing down a peg or two, especially as the store regularly runs days where staff financially benefit if they exceed their daily £ target.

As for your OH, I just hope you can sort it out one way or another.

((Hugs)) & good luck.

ty so much <hugs back>

i can't wait to finish my letter to IKEA bosses!!!

Miroslav

If I had a g/f and she acted like your b/f, she wouldn't be my g/f anymore.

And I would say you had grounds for assault. Just make sure you have support from someone, although by the sounds of it, your b/f is not the one to ask!

slinks

sheeny wrote:

Looking at things from your OH's side for a moment.. how much sleep had he actually had when this incident kicked off? Could he have just been too dog-tired to think straight?

I think you need to calmly sit down and try to discuss this with him. Explain that you feel he has justified his actions to himself (because he shows no outward sign of remorse) but you are still confused so you need him to let you into his thoughts.

Another point: as you've only known each other for a couple of years, did anything happen in his past which could explain his behaviour? Has he ever been a victim of violence himself, perhaps?

i keep trying to think of my OH's side so ty for mentioning the sleep thing. he hadn't slept a great deal the day before and then worked all night. then by the time we got home after IKEA he had been up at least 16 hours. he looked dog-tired and didn't speak much even before it kicked off in there. these are all reasons i've been giving myself for him not supporting me. and yet i still can't get my head round it!!

i asked him earlier why he didn't help when i was shoved etc by the 3 Pollard efforts (lol) and he said he hadn't been listening and didn't know what was going on. i appreciate that lack of sleep could cause that. however, the verbal attacks and slapping by she-who-shall-forever-now-be-known-as-Crazy-Lady happened after that and still there was no support!!!

as u can probably tell, i tried calm and it lasted mere seconds. too angry right now to articulate, which is one of the reasons i made him sit down and read this thread earlier.

as far as i'm aware, no violence in his past. he is a lovely, calm, sweet soul.

slinks

Swanny wrote:

From a blokes perspective, I would defend my wife whether she was right or wrong. I would have a word later and say if I thought she was in the wrong but at the time you defend her to the hilt. If someone is special in your life then you protect them.
Just a personal opinion!!

i share the same opinion ty swanny

slinks

Guinea wrote:

I have just read the original post, got so annoyed, showed it to my partner of seven years and he agreed with me. DUMP HIM! I CANNOT believe that he behaved in the way he did...or didn't really! :mad: Well, I can't believe that the people in Ikea behaved like that!

My partner said he wouldn't have let us be separated in the first place and if we were HE would have got me next to him and if someone said something HE said HE would have sorted it all out. If someone called me a c**t :eek: or use the word f**k :eek: in front of me about me then he would certainly have something colourful to say to them!

I know it's easier said than done but your OH needs a good talking to and if he doesn't see the error of his ways then he needs to eat dust!

i love him too much, which is why i'm still sat here instead of packing my bags...

i don't know if i can get past this. it's a HUGE deal to me!

i tried - and failed - earlier today but now my heads in even more pieces than before.