My son hit me(sorry long stiry but advice really needed)

duchy

I am biting my tongue to stop responding to some of the asine comments on this thread.

Bottom line you need support. Ring Camhs find out where to get a referal from as there is no school nurse (my GP arranged this for me - I see no reason why yours can't ) and also speak to social services as your daughter is at risk with all this going on. If support isn't forthcoming get onto your MP but please don't have your son back until things are back under control and there is some support for you all in place.

This is what makes me so angry -the support is out there but it's damn hard to access until things are out of hand. Your son has problems that you cannot "solve" alone and yes in some ways you might be a part of the problem too but you too can be helped with that. It's tough parenting kids with disabilities -something that appears to have gone right over the head of certain posters on here.

ladychelle

I dont feel ready to give up on him yet. I hope to get him back home, but he must see what he has done is wrong and talk to me about it. I dont expect an apology he will do that when or if he is ever ready to mean it properly. Now he is really angry at me (which i understand totally)and saying he isnt coming home so i have to leave it at that for now. It wont be long before his dad marches him back and if he has attitude from the start as he did before i will contact social services. They said before if he goes into care i have to pay the costs of this , so dont know how true this is but i am currently on income support anyhow.
He was always a really weak dad buying sweets at the shop for the kids cos they would scream if he didnt (he could never scream that hee was actually training them to do this could they would ask he would say no they cried he bought), which made me much the other way.
He is only ever involved when there is trouble like this or if my son wants money he goes there

verysillyguy06

ladychelle wrote: »

I dont feel ready to give up on him yet. I hope to get him back home, but he must see what he has done is wrong and talk to me about it. I dont expect an apology he will do that when or if he is ever ready to mean it properly. Now he is really angry at me (which i understand totally)and saying he isnt coming home so i have to leave it at that for now. It wont be long before his dad marches him back and if he has attitude from the start as he did before i will contact social services. They said before if he goes into care i have to pay the costs of this , so dont know how true this is but i am currently on income support anyhow.
He was always a really weak dad buying sweets at the shop for the kids cos they would scream if he didnt (he could never scream that hee was actually training them to do this could they would ask he would say no they cried he bought), which made me much the other way.
He is only ever involved when there is trouble like this or if my son wants money he goes there

How? Cant believe that they will have meant this....if he hurts you and you cannot manage him that is their legal duty and they will not charge you. Maybe they meant emotionally?

ladychelle

duchy wrote: »

I am biting my tongue to stop responding to some of the asine comments on this thread.

Bottom line you need support. Ring Camhs find out where to get a referal from as there is no school nurse (my GP arranged this for me - I see no reason why yours can't ) and also speak to social services as your daughter is at risk with all this going on. If support isn't forthcoming get onto your MP but please don't have your son back until things are back under control and there is some support for you all in place.

This is what makes me so angry -the support is out there but it's damn hard to access until things are out of hand. Your son has problems that you cannot "solve" alone and yes in some ways you might be a part of the problem too but you too can be helped with that. It's tough parenting kids with disabilities -something that appears to have gone right over the head of certain posters on here.

I had hoped by trying to get the help earlier when he was 10 it wouldnt get to this but they just thought i was exaggerating . I had to admit to myself that i was nt a very good parent at the time and my own frustration and exhaustion difficult with having two kids with difficulties , and setting the right example for them. (You cant scream at a child to tell them to stop screaming. )
I have changed my ways and my parenting techniques.

ladychelle

verysillyguy06 wrote: »

How? Cant believe that they will have meant this....if he hurts you and you cannot manage him that is their legal duty and they will not charge you. Maybe they meant emotionally?

No she meant financially, my sons dad said he couldnt stay with him and my son didnt want to return home. She said we had to pay the costs of him living somewhere else. This was the emergency ss. Mayb she was just trying to put me off pushing for it then. When they rang his dad he said he could stay there but told me he wouldnt have him. The only help they offered was an anger management course that i could contact for him, but he wouldnt have it. He had done anger management at school at the age of 9

verysillyguy06

ladychelle wrote: »

No she meant financially, my sons dad said he couldnt stay with him and my son didnt want to return home. She said we had to pay the costs of him living somewhere else. This was the emergency ss. Mayb she was just trying to put me off pushing for it then. When they rang his dad he said he could stay there but told me he wouldnt have him. The only help they offered was an anger management course that i could contact for him, but he wouldnt have it. He had done anger management at school at the age of 9

It wont be easy and they will ask you both lots of questions but the EDT was telling you rubbish...total bo88ocks....


They will look at other relatives and explore every avenue before they will consider it but if their assessment says its in the child's best interest, they will pay...


It is a very intrusive process but they may find a solution...better than what is now...cant be any worse ?

Poor you and I hope things will work out:o:o

Oldernotwiser

ladychelle wrote: »

Can i ask how your relationship is with your child now . Did this help with things for your family?

It was a slightly different situation from yours in as much as our son was adopted/fostered by us (long story) but we had to ask Social Services to move him when he was about 17 because we (and they) were afraid of what he might do to us. This was after years of the same sort of behaviour you describe, partly brought on by cannabis smoking (could this be a factor with your son?)

He was moved into a hostel down the road from us and then eventually got his own place when he was 18. He's now in his mid twenties and we have a reasonable relationship with him and, more importantly, we're alive and uninjured and we managed to avoid him having a criminal record.

If we'd had another child we would have done it years earlier as I wouldn't have been prepared to take the risk.

ladychelle

Just wanted to update with the progress made today. I saw my gp who said he couldnt do anything without my son going to see him. He said to ask the school nurse to contact him.

Went into school and told them what hd happened. They were very supportive and said they would involve the school nurse and make the cahms referral. They said school is starting an anger management course and my son could be included in that as long as he would take part. I came away feeling a lot more hopeful.

Arrived home from school with my daughter to find my son on the door step. He said could we talk, I appologised for what i had said and explained that i didnt mean it and didnt think of him like that . He said he knew i didnt and apologised for his behaviour and said it was wrong and he wanted to come home. We agreed we need to make sure if things are getting out of hand for any of us that we need to go to our own rooms and calm down and that is each persons 'safe' place to be and no one will go in (unless of course he starts to cause damage) He said he will do the anger management and promised not to ever hit me again.

When i said if he was in trouble again with the police he had used his warnings and it may effect any jobs he tried to get. He said he would have trouble getting a job anyway because of his disabilities(so im thinking this is something that has been bothering him) We talked about this and I said we could get help to help him feel better about his problems and hopefully not see it as a problem and accept it.

The social services didnt want to intervein but suggested that we all make a list of things we like about home and what we dont like and that can give us something to build on along with some other advice and a service that might be able to help.

He brought up what punishment would he have, would he be grounded. I said he wasnt grounded but would have to earn back his tv and laptop through good behaviour which he totally accepted that he would have to do this, as this is normally how we do it.

I notified my daughters school and they have told her she can go to the oasis room if she feels bothered by anything and can leave a note for the teacher if she wants to talk. She said she is worried about her brother coming home and glad at the same time.

So ive not quite failed yet, i think he need s a lot of help coming to terms with himself and learning to love himself.

I even managed to get a hug which hasnt happened in years.

I want to thank everyone for all the advice , support and good wishes xx

Keeping_Motivated

Your post brought a tear to my eye..you've both done really well today...I really hope this is the turning point asyou both obviously want so much more for your family and life.

Keep chipping away and you will get there.

Have you done research about support groups for his condition? Maybe he needs a mentor who has a condition like him but still leads a happy succesful life?

Good luck

karen310

So glad to read this , what a positive outcome for you both and so ggod you have been able to talk (and have that hug)