My son hit me(sorry long stiry but advice really needed)

Kirri

DVardysShadow wrote: »

I've thanked you. But if I was his dad, I don't think I could back the approach being taken. But I would be up for a joint approach on agreed lines.

Yes, you worded it better, I meant a joint approach, not backing up what was said, I just think the dad needs to take on responsibility as well and help the OP out in dealing with the issues as it doesn't sound like that is happening at the moment and the son thinks/has the upper hand..

ladychelle

again thanks all so much. I have talked to his doctor at the cdc and they dont see what i am saying as he is quiet and well behaved ( seems im not reponsible for teaching him this but responsible for the bad behaviour) I asked the question if he could be on the astism spectrum because of his brother, he was then refered to behaviour specialist ( who had regular meetings with me more than my son) and also saw a psycologist and speech therapist and was given an all clear on that. I called the police because he attacked me and caused me harm, i would not accept this from anyone. If he is big enough to behave in this montrous way then he is big enough to take responsibliity and consequence. I would feel i had failed him if i had not reported this apart from the fact that i was been threatened and hurt and my duaghter was afraid in our own home. I tried to ignore the behaviour (which lasted from 4.30 til 9.00) but needed to act as he when he started causing damage around the house and also the taking of my mobile which had phone numbers on that i needed to contact his dad and also my family members. unfortunately i am human and had a breaking point and wanted to shock him out of this (I had told him he was going too far and that i was upset and hurt at the names and swearing he was saying to me, but i would not have reacted with punching him in the face till it was bleeding. I do not think of him as a !!!!!! or as a disabled person, i am understanding and caring and want the best for my son whatever that is) it was said to shock him on a split second after being exhasted with it all. I feel totally ashamed of myself for saying this and sinking to that level, it is not something i do. The camhs can only take a referel from the school nurse i have been told by my sons doctor. The school he is at is going through problems with special measures and currently has no nurse. I will be contacting school on monday to see what they can do as he is also a problem there , so its not just me he behaves like this for.

notakid

ladychelle wrote: »

again thanks all so much. I have talked to his doctor at the cdc and they dont see what i am saying as he is quiet and well behaved ( seems im not reponsible for teaching him this but responsible for the bad behaviour) I asked the question if he could be on the astism spectrum because of his brother, he was then refered to behaviour specialist ( who had regular meetings with me more than my son) and also saw a psycologist and speech therapist and was given an all clear on that. I called the police because he attacked me and caused me harm, i would not accept this from anyone. If he is big enough to behave in this montrous way then he is big enough to take responsibliity and consequence. I would feel i had failed him if i had not reported this apart from the fact that i was been threatened and hurt and my duaghter was afraid in our own home. I tried to ignore the behaviour (which lasted from 4.30 til 9.00) but needed to act as he when he started causing damage around the house and also the taking of my mobile which had phone numbers on that i needed to contact his dad and also my family members. unfortunately i am human and had a breaking point and wanted to shock him out of this (I had told him he was going too far and that i was upset and hurt at the names and swearing he was saying to me, but i would not have reacted with punching him in the face till it was bleeding. I do not think of him as a !!!!!! or as a disabled person, i am understanding and caring and want the best for my son whatever that is) it was said to shock him on a split second after being exhasted with it all. I feel totally ashamed of myself for saying this and sinking to that level, it is not something i do. The camhs can only take a referel from the school nurse i have been told by my sons doctor. The school he is at is going through problems with special measures and currently has no nurse. I will be contacting school on monday to see what they can do as he is also a problem there , so its not just me he behaves like this for.

Who has said that you are not responsible for the nice polite boy he can be? I'm sure you try and be a good parent but you do have a lot on your hands and when he is acting up I'm sure he is a git!

I also think you should be honest with yourself, you called him a !!!!!! to hurt him, there was no "lesson to be learned" from it nor was it said to shock him out of his behaviour, it was said in anger. Its just human weakness to lash back when being hurt. I know from experience, my conscience is not whiter than white, we all make mistakes.

If you don't acknowledge that both your behaviours (his and yours) cause problems you are on a hiding to nothing.

To be honest, I don't think ASD is reason for him to behave like this, I feel as you said in the OP, its his disability, he is now a teenager and realizes he will never be like his peers.

You can't change his behaviour by force or threat, that you have proved, but you can change yours.

shazrobo

hi OP, i think you are a good parent and doing the best for your son. i have had to phone the police a number of sons because of one of my 14 year old sons, repeatedly attacked me, as well as others, but mainly me. he had loads of warnings etc. also have another kid at home, who was scared of him.
anyway the violence continued he always said the police couldnt stop him, which was in fact true, but as soon as he went to court, and received a referral order, where he has help from the youth offending team, he has been a changed lad, still moody at times, but not violent, as he knows next time it could be youth custody.
my lad has adhd, and possible aspergers, and goes to a special school, and is under cahms, you can self refer to them i've been told.
hope you get it sorted soon, for all your sakes.

ladychelle

notakid wrote: »

Who says said that you are not responsible for the nice polite boy he can be? I'm sure you try and be a good parent but you do have a lot on your hands and when he is acting up I'm sure he is a git!

I also think you should be honest with yourself, you called him a !!!!!! to hurt him, there was no "lesson to be learned" from it. Its just human weakness to lash back when being hurt. I know from experience, my conscience is not whiter than white, we all make mistakes.

If you don't acknowledge that both your behaviours (his and yours) cause problems you are on a hiding to nothing.

To be honest, I don't think ADS is reason for him to behave like this, I feel as you said in the OP, its his disability, he is now a teenager and realizes he will never be like his peers.

You can't change his behaviour by force or threat, that you have proved, but you can change yours.

I have been trying hard to change how i react and have had to do a lot of soul searching and looking at my own behaviour , i have widened my knowledge of bringing up and understanding children.I know totally that i lost control when calling him a !!!!!! and i am disgusted and upset with myself. It is no excuse but he has been bullying and goading me since the summer. i understand what its like to be an angry teenager , i was myself . i have been trying to show him though example how to be calmer and talking about what I find upsetting and why, and why i get angry when i do and that i am not trying to threaten or scare him in any way as he does to me.

Keeping_Motivated

Don't beat yourself up about past mistakes, non of us are perfect parents, just note what you want to change and move forward.

Why don't you start by making a list (on here or in a private note book) of what steps you CAN make this week and look at is as steps to get the help you all need, this will not change over night so start with them baby steps.

Tick off your list and then make another and pat yourself on the back for every single step you take no matter how small.

Take care
KM

ladychelle

[QUOTE=

One thing stuck out that you might want to mention to the GP was 'my dad spoke to him and was saying he had sold my phone n bought new shoes ( he hadnt been out of the house)' seems that you might need some professional help that hopefully your GP can arrange.[/QUOTE]


Im not sure what you mean why did this stand out for you,

ladychelle

Keeping_Motivated wrote: »

Don't beat yourself up about past mistakes, non of us are perfect parents, just note what you want to change and move forward.

Why don't you start by making a list (on here or in a private note book) of what steps you CAN make this week and look at is as steps to get the help you all need, this will not change over night so start with them baby steps.

Tick off your list and then make another and pat yourself on the back for every single step you take no matter how small.

Take care
KM

thanks for your support, i have a list of contacts to make on monday.

DVardysShadow

ladychelle wrote: »

I have been trying hard to change how i react and have had to do a lot of soul searching and looking at my own behaviour , i have widened my knowledge of bringing up and understanding children.I know totally that i lost control when calling him a !!!!!! and i am disgusted and upset with myself. It is no excuse but he has been bullying and goading me since the summer. i understand what its like to be an angry teenager , i was myself . i have been trying to show him though example how to be calmer and talking about what I find upsetting and why, and why i get angry when i do and that i am not trying to threaten or scare him in any way as he does to me.

Actually, you have taken some tough medicine here, so as to speak. I wish you well and hope you will forgive yourself for your mistakes.

You do need to choose your battles - you would be right to insist on certain things for the orderly running of the house, but some other things you might want to insist on' for his good', you would do better to leave. And punishment might now be counterproductive - you are better just to insist on the boundaries being kept for orderly running of the house but not to take any transgression further than getting your own way over how the house runs..

Oldernotwiser

Domestic violence is domestic violence, whatever the relationship between the people involved and I think that you were absolutely right to call the police. I think that you might need to consider asking Social Services to take him into care, for the protection of yourself and your daughter and for the specialist help that this might get him.