My son hit me(sorry long stiry but advice really needed)

ladychelle

I am a single parent dont get much support from the childrens dad. My son is 14 and has a physical disability affecting the muscles in the right side of his body. He is my middle child, older brother has asperger syndrome, 22 not living at home due to violence problems when he was 18,younger sister age 9. He has always been a handful , bad tantrums extreme grumpiness and picking on his sister well bullying actually. I punish anybad behaviour in the past using time outs and explaining wht he had done wrong and why it was wrong because he never really accepts responsibility for what he does(blames others) .In the summer after an incident i confiscated his game console because he wouldnt discuss the incident with me and was behaving agressively. He went out and returned
with 2 friends who took his xbox while my son attacked me. I called the police and he was arrested and got a remand as it was his first offence. His dad took him from the police station and brought him home the next day saying he couldnt have him. My son showed no remorse and was swearing and abusive as soon as walked back in the door. Over time i was able to talk with my son about what hppened and got the feel that it was an unpleasant experience being arrested and tht he knew he was wrong to hit me. Grumpiness and swearing has now become a real big problem, he constantly says things to wind me up and hurt me and his sister. I saw a behavior specialist when he was 11 -12 after reporting i had major concerns about him. The result was teaching me parenting techniques such as time out (which i was using already) and giving consequences for his actions and giving praise when he did something good which is something i have always struggled with as he doesn't accept praise or compliments , but i still did this. He stared getting into a lot of trouble swearing at school and was excluded after an incident of swearing and rudeness. I put my foot down and told him in one of his rare calmer moments that swearing and aggressiveness was unacceptable and any of this behavior he would lose his tv right away(he then can only get it back after some days of nice behavior) This had been going ok for around 2 weeks the week before xmas and the week after. Although the grumpiness and bulling continued. I tell him about htis often and ask him to go to his room if he feels unable to be around people ( i feel he bullys because he feels bad about himself he is very self conscious about his disability and wont talk about it) I explin to him how what he says makes me and sister feel bad and he dosnt care. After some rudeness and bulling at tea on friday i sent him to his room. He starting being abusive swearing and being intimidating and siad he was going out. I told him he wasnt going out and asked him to go to his room and calm down. He wouldnt go and continued winding me up name calling and being agressive for around an hour and a half. I was becoming angry and felt upset and out of control so asked my parents to come over. My dad went to speak to my son who had also taken my phone by this point because i confiscated his tv and laptop. He felt he was justified to do this. He held a hammer in his hand the whole time my dad spoke to him and was saying he had sold my phone n bought new shoes ( he hadnt been out of the house) when they left he cam downstairs n laid on the sofa with shoes on giving off attitude again to wind me up but i just ignored it. We didnt speak for around and hour that was an atmosphere in the room and my daughter was very scared. I took her to bed and settled her down then asked my son to give back my phone cos he had stiolen it and i would ring the police if he didnt, he was swearing and name calling and said to ring the police. I got the laptop to find the police non emergeny nnumber and my son was continuing being abusive. I was so tired i just lost control and said he was going way too far and that he was a brat and a !!!!!! ( i hate this word nd it is not how i think of him or a word i hve ever used before i jus wantted to say something to hurt him like he was hurting me). He jumped up and tried to pull the latop off me. I grabbed it tight so he couldnt take it and he started punching me in the hed. I managed to pull away and stand up and my face was covered in blood, ran to call the police and my son headed for another room and tried to get out of the window causing a lot of damage as he did this. The police stayed on the phone to me until a car came. I held on to my sons trouser leg to stop him getting out of the window i wanted him to see wht he had done and face the responsibility. he was arrested and has to go to court in feb. to receive a final warning. he is at his dads who says he cant stay there. I said he cant come home till he has appologised and spoke to me about the incident. My son knocked on the door last night demanding his mobile phone and charger which i got for him and then he kicked over the dustbin and plant pots and startd braying on the window. His dad is encouraging him that he was justified to hit me because i called him a !!!!!!. I want my son home and want to teach him right from wrong and dont want this bulling to continue and obviously not ever hit me again. I am going to ring school and the doctors on monday and hopefully will find some solutions there but if anyone has any advice i would be very grateful.

Sugarhunny1

I didnt want to read and run and hopefully someone will be along soon with some advice

Sugar xxx

Sugarhunny1

Broke it up into paragraphs for easier reading.

ladychelle wrote: »

I am a single parent dont get much support from the childrens dad. My son is 14 and has a physical disability affecting the muscles in the right side of his body. He is my middle child, older brother has asperger syndrome, 22 not living at home due to violence problems when he was 18,younger sister age 9. He has always been a handful , bad tantrums extreme grumpiness and picking on his sister well bullying actually.

I punish anybad behaviour in the past using time outs and explaining wht he had done wrong and why it was wrong because he never really accepts responsibility for what he does(blames others) .In the summer after an incident i confiscated his game console because he wouldnt discuss the incident with me and was behaving agressively.

He went out and returned with 2 friends who took his xbox while my son attacked me. I called the police and he was arrested and got a remand as it was his first offence. His dad took him from the police station and brought him home the next day saying he couldnt have him. My son showed no remorse and was swearing and abusive as soon as walked back in the door.

Over time i was able to talk with my son about what hppened and got the feel that it was an unpleasant experience being arrested and tht he knew he was wrong to hit me. Grumpiness and swearing has now become a real big problem, he constantly says things to wind me up and hurt me and his sister. I saw a behavior specialist when he was 11 -12 after reporting i had major concerns about him. The result was teaching me parenting techniques such as time out (which i was using already) and giving consequences for his actions and giving praise when he did something good which is something i have always struggled with as he doesn't accept praise or compliments , but i still did this. He stared getting into a lot of trouble swearing at school and was excluded after an incident of swearing and rudeness.

I put my foot down and told him in one of his rare calmer moments that swearing and aggressiveness was unacceptable and any of this behavior he would lose his tv right away(he then can only get it back after some days of nice behavior) This had been going ok for around 2 weeks the week before xmas and the week after. Although the grumpiness and bulling continued. I tell him about htis often and ask him to go to his room if he feels unable to be around people ( i feel he bullys because he feels bad about himself he is very self conscious about his disability and wont talk about it) I explin to him how what he says makes me and sister feel bad and he dosnt care. After some rudeness and bulling at tea on friday i sent him to his room. He starting being abusive swearing and being intimidating and siad he was going out. I told him he wasnt going out and asked him to go to his room and calm down. He wouldnt go and continued winding me up name calling and being agressive for around an hour and a half.

I was becoming angry and felt upset and out of control so asked my parents to come over. My dad went to speak to my son who had also taken my phone by this point because i confiscated his tv and laptop. He felt he was justified to do this. He held a hammer in his hand the whole time my dad spoke to him and was saying he had sold my phone n bought new shoes ( he hadnt been out of the house) when they left he cam downstairs n laid on the sofa with shoes on giving off attitude again to wind me up but i just ignored it.

We didnt speak for around and hour that was an atmosphere in the room and my daughter was very scared. I took her to bed and settled her down then asked my son to give back my phone cos he had stiolen it and i would ring the police if he didnt, he was swearing and name calling and said to ring the police. I got the laptop to find the police non emergeny nnumber and my son was continuing being abusive. I was so tired i just lost control and said he was going way too far and that he was a brat and a !!!!!! ( i hate this word nd it is not how i think of him or a word i hve ever used before i jus wantted to say something to hurt him like he was hurting me). He jumped up and tried to pull the latop off me.

I grabbed it tight so he couldnt take it and he started punching me in the hed. I managed to pull away and stand up and my face was covered in blood, ran to call the police and my son headed for another room and tried to get out of the window causing a lot of damage as he did this. The police stayed on the phone to me until a car came. I held on to my sons trouser leg to stop him getting out of the window i wanted him to see wht he had done and face the responsibility. he was arrested and has to go to court in feb. to receive a final warning. he is at his dads who says he cant stay there. I said he cant come home till he has appologised and spoke to me about the incident.

My son knocked on the door last night demanding his mobile phone and charger which i got for him and then he kicked over the dustbin and plant pots and startd braying on the window. His dad is encouraging him that he was justified to hit me because i called him a !!!!!!. I want my son home and want to teach him right from wrong and dont want this bulling to continue and obviously not ever hit me again. I am going to ring school and the doctors on monday and hopefully will find some solutions there but if anyone has any advice i would be very grateful.

ladychelle

many thanks sugarhunny xx

emsywoo123

OP what a terrible situation. I have no idea what to do, but I think it is going to take professional help. Didn't want to read and run ((HUGS))

SaffiesMum

You DEFINITELY need professional help. All of you. I am so sorry for you including your poor daughter.

I wouldnt know where to start, I have no experience of such things. I think you should try every agency you can think of if it isn't to end in disaster.

It's a shame you don't get more help and support from his father but as he doesnt live with it all day and every dayhe can close his eyes to it to some extent, unless he just feels as helpless as you do.

Maybe the police or court system can advise where you can get some help. It appears to be something which will reach crisis point soon.

I really hesitate to suggest it but if you can't get help anywhere else - as a final resort there is always the Jeremy Kyle Show. They have dealt with problems like that before but I don't know what their success rate is and also it would mean airing the problem in public which I can understand you probably woudn't care for - but if you were absolutely desperate....

Money_maker

Don't do Jeremy Kyle - that would completely destroy the relationship with him.

You do need professional help. Try ringing these http://www.parentlineplus.org.uk/, they will talk things through with you and should be able to give you some telephone numbers of who can help.

Good luck.

karen310

No solutions , but my heart goes out to you hopefully you will get the profesional help you need.

shellsuit

What is the reason why his Dad can't have him for a bit, or is that just an excuse as he doesn't want the aggro?

I am shocked at the name you called him, but on the other hand, respect you for being so honest about it.

You definitely need professional help and so does he.

Is there anything he likes to do, or does he have it bad for the whole world around him? (ie, does he like cars, music, video games etc)

Do you spend much time with him one on one? Maybe he feels let down because Dad doesn't want him and feels that Mum moans at him all the time (I'm not saying you do, but I could ask my son to tidy his room and he would feel I'm moaning at him, lads eh lol!)

What are his mates like? Could there be drugs involved at all perhaps?

notakid

[QUOTE=as_he_doesn't_accept_praise_or_compliments_,

( i feel he bullys because he feels bad about himself he is very self conscious about his disability and wont talk about it)

. I was so tired i just lost control and said he was going way too far and that he was a brat and a !!!!!! .[/QUOTE]


Hi

I've taken the bits which made the most sense to me from your post. I'm a mother of a seventeen year old with ASD.

I think you are right, he is lashing out at you because he hates himself and hates his disability. Its easy to vent your anger at the people you love.

Forgive yourself for calling him a name esp under duress, but the problem is you have now confirmed his worst fears, if his own Mom thinks he is a !!!!!!, nothing you can say now will make him feel better and his behaviour will only worsen as he will hold that remark against you forever. (its typical, the one time you lose your temper and blurt something out cancels all zillion times you have told him he is wonderful.) :rolleyes:

Can you not ignore his behaviour when he is acting up, easy enough to say, I know, but if he is not getting a reaction (which, from your post, he has until now.) he may calm down and the situation does not escalate as it does seem a little tit for tat sometimes its easier not to try to win all battles, just the wars!

It might be worth contacting SS often they have people who work within the home and can point out behaviours that you may not even be aware of, as you are too close to the situation.

Please don't think I'm blaming you, I'm not, but you can't go on like this.

thorsoak

Have you/has he got a social worker? I think you need to talk to either a social worker, your doctor or mental health team pretty quickly. As things stand, I feel that you or your daughter are in some danger with your son's temper and his inability to express himself in any way other than violence.

For your daughter's sake you must get professional help - is it fair to bring her up in an atmosphere of fear? If this was a violent partner, we would all be advising you to get the h*** out of it.

I appreciate he is your son, and you love him - but your younger daughter and her needs must take precedence here.