My son hit me(sorry long stiry but advice really needed)

ladychelle

DVardysShadow wrote: »

Actually, you have taken some tough medicine here, so as to speak. I wish you well and hope you will forgive yourself for your mistakes.

You do need to choose your battles - you would be right to insist on certain things for the orderly running of the house, but some other things you might want to insist on' for his good', you would do better to leave. And punishment might now be counterproductive - you are better just to insist on the boundaries being kept for orderly running of the house but not to take any transgression further than getting your own way over how the house runs..

I agree totally and i do try very carefuly to choose my battles , he does plenty of things that are left to a chat when moods are good.

My main proiority now is getting him back home so that i can get some help for us all, but he is still being agressive when i talk to him (which i can understand he is hurt), i have told him how the land lies and that i want him home but we need to talk and he cant be agressive

ladychelle

Oldernotwiser wrote: »

Domestic violence is domestic violence, whatever the relationship between the people involved and I think that you were absolutely right to call the police. I think that you might need to consider asking Social Services to take him into care, for the protection of yourself and your daughter and for the specialist help that this might get him.

I would like to deal with it at home with help, putting him into care I think would have a bad effect on him, he feels i dont love him anyway so this in his eyes would confirm this, but thanks for your suggestions and support

Keeping_Motivated

I know people are focussing on what you said to him (which you more than anyone knows was wrong) but we need to not lose site of the fact he punched you in the face until you bled! Don't let him forget that despite apologising for what you said.

ben500

I'm just trying to work out which is the most potentially damaging piece of advice here the Jeremy Kyle show or social care order, I'm inclined to go with social care order as at least Jeremy Kyle pays a good wage for the damage he inflicts on his victims, as far as I know social services don't pay a penny for fvcking up your life for you.

As for the op from where I sit as an unemotional and independant lay person, you seem both to be competing to wear the badge of victim, one of you has to realise that and use that knowledge to manipulate the other into a state of reasoned thinking that the alternatives to living in harmony in the home are at the very best unpleasant for all.

ben500

Keeping_Motivated wrote: »

I know people are focussing on what you said to him (which you more than anyone knows was wrong) but we need to not lose site of the fact he punched you in the face until you bled! Don't let him forget that despite apologising for what you said.

From his point of view he may well be thinking she got off lightly, she stabbed him with an emotional knife, I am not in any way excusing his behaviour, but to find a resolution to such situations you have to analyse both sides with the same level of emotion and empathy and put your own judgemental thoughts to one side, keep them if you wish, just keep them out of your considerations to the cause and possible solutions to the problems.
There are clearly just on the face of the information provided by the op issues for both parties and that has to be accepted before any progress can be made, to simply offer "there there better now not your fault" led advice will only serve to encourage perpetuity.

ladychelle

Sarahsaver wrote: »

I would disagree with ppl who say do not cal social services. They were a lot of help with my DS who is now 9 nearly 10, there was an incident in thee home last yr and we had to call an ambulance but due to protocol they also alerted the police (pm me if you want to know why)
he has a diagnosis of ADHD and is on meds now for that, and also has 'strong Asperger's tendencies' so aggression and violence are common events here when the meds wear off or when he can not express himself.
Get as much support as you can from WHEREVER you can. Phone the charityy Young Minds as they were great with me when i had a very dark time and was not coping at all they listened and gave me free counselling.
Best wishes.
BTW i know its hard but i think you need to find a time to apologise to him for the !!!!!! remark. even things said in the heat of the moment hurt deeply.

thanks for sharing your experiences, the most helpful comments come from those who have experienced similar things

Oldernotwiser

ladychelle wrote: »

I would like to deal with it at home with help, putting him into care I think would have a bad effect on him, he feels i dont love him anyway so this in his eyes would confirm this, but thanks for your suggestions and support

I do appreciate this but if he'll only become bigger and stronger as time passes and may do you or your daughter even more serious damage than he has done already. I speak from experience.

ladychelle

shellsuit wrote: »

What is the reason why his Dad can't have him for a bit, or is that just an excuse as he doesn't want the aggro?

I am shocked at the name you called him, but on the other hand, respect you for being so honest about it.

You definitely need professional help and so does he.

Is there anything he likes to do, or does he have it bad for the whole world around him? (ie, does he like cars, music, video games etc)

Do you spend much time with him one on one? Maybe he feels let down because Dad doesn't want him and feels that Mum moans at him all the time (I'm not saying you do, but I could ask my son to tidy his room and he would feel I'm moaning at him, lads eh lol!)

What are his mates like? Could there be drugs involved at all perhaps?

His dad just says he cant have him its not his business , that our son is fine when he is with him, he doesnt want to accept it( big reason why we divorced was because he wouldnt support me when trying to get the diagnosis for the older son with AS. His dad drinks alot so its not really a good place for him to be anyway, also the fact that he wont address the problems is really unhelpful

As for the drugs, i really dont know. It feels like hes always been this way just the behaviuor has become more agressive and involing bad language since the summer. The incident i needed to talk to him about in the summer was some smoking paraphinalia i came across , a shisha pipe im told and the coals and jelly that go with it. He said it belonged to an asian friend, but hid under his bed. School were concerned that he was 'high' when he was excluded but didnt really come out n say it just skirted about with it and mainly said about the rudeness and swearing. They said he is getting involved with undesireables at school. He dosesnt stay out late or have a lot of money, i have smelt smoke onhim a few times and found lighters in his pocket.When i have spoken to him about smoking he denied it but didnt lose his temper or anything he was totally approachable. The times when he goes off on one are usually when he has been upstairs in his room alone, he comes down looking for a fight. On school days i put it down to tiredness but i know this cant always be the case. He has since the summer stopped wearing the splints he should wear and the built up raised shoe, then his glasses, which i understand he is concious of his apperance and doesnt want to be different so have supported this as his decission as he is fully aware of the implications in later life if he does this. Also i have noticed his pupils are rather large a lot, didnt know if this was due to not wearing his glasses and also coming in from the dark , but his behaviour is fine when he comes home from being out with his friends

ladychelle

Oldernotwiser wrote: »

I do appreciate this but if he'll only become bigger and stronger as time passes and may do you or your daughter even more serious damage than he has done already. I speak from experience.

Can i ask how your relationship is with your child now . Did this help with things for your family?

Keeping_Motivated

Just wondering did his behaviour get worse once older brother left?