My son hit me(sorry long stiry but advice really needed)

grey_lady

Sounds like you've been doing your best to follow the parenting techniques you'd been given but you were tired/stressed that day because of earlier and it all just escalated into something awful.

Parentline have a freephone number 0808 800 2222 so you could give them a call for a chat, they also have a bit on their website about teenagers and violence that you might find helpfull.

Definatly think you should get into see your GP asap, but I just wondered what were the major concerns you had when he was younger and was it around the same time that your oldest left home due to violence? (both seem to be around 4 years ago)

One thing stuck out that you might want to mention to the GP was 'my dad spoke to him and was saying he had sold my phone n bought new shoes ( he hadnt been out of the house)' seems that you might need some professional help that hopefully your GP can arrange.

DVardysShadow

I want my son home and want to teach him right from wrong and dont want this bulling to continue and obviously not ever hit me again. I am going to ring school and the doctors on monday and hopefully will find some solutions there but if anyone has any advice i would be very grateful.

At the end of it, ladychelle, I would say that the relationship with your son has failed. I don't think you are any longer in a position to teach him right from wrong. Punishment has not worked and if anything, escalating the problem to the police has made things worse.

You cannot control him, your prospects of doing so are reducing with each week he becomes older. He is no longer a child in terms of his potential, although that is only shown in his destructive acts. Expecting to put things right be continuing with the parent-child model is just going to give you grief beyond belief.

I am sorry to say that this can only go positive once you let go and admit that you have failed and are unlikely to succeed.

frisbee

I am sorry to say that this can only go positive once you let go and admit that you have failed and are unlikely to succeed.[/QUOTE]

I'm sorry but i think that comment is very harsh, why has the mother failed, surely it is the son who has turned violent is the one who has failed his mother. Violence is unacceptable.

notakid

[QUOTE=frisbee;_I'm_sorry_but_i_think_that_comment_is_very_harsh,_why_has_the_mother_failed,_surely_it_is_the_son_who_has_turned_violent_is_the_one_who_has_failed_his_mother._Violence_is_unacceptable.[/QUOTE]

I think thats a very simplistic view.

The mother has failed because the situation has escalated to the police being called. She has failed on the moral high ground because she called him a !!!!!! when knowing the reason he acts up is because he is very unhappy about his condition. He will no longer respect her or believe he has any reason not continue with his behaviour.

From the OP, its seems a lot of importance is placed on trivial incidents, these are then compounded to become huge battles.

Again, I don't mean to critise the OP, her ex sounds like a prince :rolleyes: and she has been left to deal with an unruly dissatisfied teen. But I think DVardy is just being straight to the point, the adult in this situation is the OP and it is she who has made the decisions which led to the violence.

DVardysShadow

frisbee wrote: »

I'm sorry but i think that comment is very harsh, why has the mother failed, surely it is the son who has turned violent is the one who has failed his mother. Violence is unacceptable.

I agree the violence is unacceptable.I am not suggesting anything different.

The comment is indeed harsh. But I think OP wants encouragement to carry on with more of the same. But let us face it. Confiscation or physical punishment only works when the person administering is big enough to get away with it. But son is now coming to an age and a size where he will win - and mother has taught him - inadvertently, some bad patterns for relationships. eg son confiscates mother's mobile. You cannot blame son for that - he has been treated that way.

As mother has not been canny enough to move on from treating him as an 8 year old, I think that prospects look poor for mother unless she recognises that something very different isnow required and that possibly, she is not the person todeliver it.

grey_lady

The op is reaching out for help and she's been doing her best to follow previous professional parenting advice, she was under stress and she snapped, she's not the first parent to do that- calling her a failure isnt helpful.

OP I hope that you can find a way forward towards improving your's sons behaviour and your relationship with him, Parentline plus and your doctor are both good places to start. Maybe there's an underlying mental health issue or maybe your son could benefit from counselling to build his self-esteem.

ladychelle

thank you so much for all the help and advice , obviously i cant tell a whoe lifetime of events on here and can only try and explain a very small amount of what has been going on. I feel i have been banging my head on a brick wall trying to get help, but he shows excellent manners and is a quiet boy in front of professionals. ive tried to organise time together for us both doing activities but he will only suggest things i cant afford orcant get him to cos they r far away. He wont walk with me out shopping. I spend time with him after my daughter has gone to bed and listen to his chatting and banter a bit with him as he likes that. He liked to play thumb wars squeeze hands that kind of thing which i felt was his reaching of for affection cos he wont hug and may rest agaisnt me but wont allow me to put my arm round him or touch him, but the play fighting was becoming more about him trying to overpower me and trying to hurt me. I watch what he wants with him on tv and chat about it to show a common interst , he wont play games or anything else i hav tried. He has always been difficult so the prolems didnt start when my older son was showing agression it was just that i finally found the energy to try and sort out the problems once i didnt have the older one as well. My concerns are with my daughter i have appologised to my son and explained why i said it and that i was wrong and didnt mean what i said and siad i want him to come and talk to me about what had happened and he was abusive and demanded his bus fare money for school on monday cos his dad said he wasnt paying it and demanded clothes and other things. I told him he cant come in the house till he speaks to me properly , he keeps knocking on the door and shouting through the letterbox. I will try some of the phone numbers mentioned, thanks

ladychelle

Is ringing the police the wrong thing to do. What should i have done?

Blackpool_Saver

Is he diagnosed with a mental health condition? has he seen psychiatrist? are there mental health issues in the family? I see his brother has aspergers, does he have the lack of empathy issues?

hothothot_3

Sorry but that is a formidable block of prose to read through.

As a former PC, highly suggest unless your not being threatened by weapons, beaten black and blue or hacked and slashed - (as so many are) id suggest it is in your sons best interests that you dont need to un-neccessarilty involve the authorties which wont change the root of the problem. The best thing for all concerned is that he lives independently if you cant cope - its unfair to use the threat of calling the police on him or calling him nasty words - I seriously think you are bringing the worst out of him and should learn how to defuse a situation rather than escalate one. He sounds like my son (minus the disabilities), and the last thing id want is for any outside involvement - once your son gets arrested you will have him in the system for ever, and has a bigger effect on someones life then most realise and some people who are increasingly trigger happy to call the police for every fart that goes off. Hope things work out.