Treating kids differently (xmas money)

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

That is very true, Mrs E, but even if they were treated equally one way or another, there is a very good chance that someone would think they were being hard done by.

And there are people who hint at this kind of thing, hoping that someone will feel bad and overcompensate.

They're still going to feel they are missing out because of emotional engagement or because of some other lack in parenting, irrespective of money.

Some things just can't be fixed by others.

The two trolls talking about runts and redheads are just trying to get attention, so they are going to be on ignore. I assume they believe their parents loved their little sisters more than them as well.

jellyhead

miamoo wrote: »

They were bought £40 worth of presents each (the older 2) which at 11 I think is nowhere near enough, most kids want a bike or computer at that age, and lack of money isnt the problem, its what they spend their money on thats the problem (but thats another story)

How much was spent on the youngest?

Depends really - do they already have a bike? Do they have a computer?

My 13 year old told me some of his friends are getting new phones, ipods, DSI etc.

My boy won't get a new phone until his old one breaks though, and his DS still works so there's no need for a DS lite or DSI. He has a £30 MP3 player that he is perfectly happy with and he feel no urge for an ipod. His bike will last another year or two. His computer is old and pretty slow but he doesn't mind.

He's had a PS3 for christmas, well, half of one because everyone else gave him money towards the other half. If he hadn't wanted one though, he'd probably have just asked for a game for one of his existing consoles, and wouldn't have cared that we'd only spent £30-£40 on him (oh, plus a dressing gown - he REALLY wanted that bless him).

Sometimes kids don't 'need' a big item, because what they already have is okay.

Spendless

jellyhead wrote: »

My brother mentioned in passing today when I commented on my 13 year old's lack of presents that he still remembers one year when we thought about what we had for christmas and realised that mum had spent more on my sis than on the 3 of us put together.

sis demanded a TV so the rest of us got a few little cheap things because mum had no money. My brother and I will never really forget that, the feeling of not being the 'favourite'. It was nothing to do with age because she is the second of 4 children - it was purely because she always got what she asked for.

We got used to it and just accepted it year after year but it did make us feel a bit unloved because it was so very obvious that my sister was spoiled and was the favourite. It would never have crossed mum's mind to buy any of the rest of us a TV for our bedrooms, or to give us something we wanted and let my sister have less. We always knew we would never be treated equally.

My brother just mentioned it - he wasn't suggesting that my eldest is unloved or hard done by. Eldest knows he doesn't have much and he says that's great because he can't find space in his room for what he already got off the inlaws.

But kids do remember being treated differently at christmas.

WestonDave's suggestion of being an honourary god parent to the older children is lovely.

Not about material things, but this reminded me of something that happened recently with my friend. Her mum always goes away on hol in set months, one of them co-incides with my friends birthday- they still went away when it was my friend's 40th. Recently friends mum was talking to my friend saying they would have to be careful with their Nov hol for the next 2 years cos they didn't want to clash with being away for their other daughters 40th or her husbands. At this point my mate said something about them always going away on her birthday including her own 40th.

At this her mum looked really surprised and said that they knew they didn't need to take my mates birthday into consideration as my mate doesn't throw paddys the way her younger sister does.

So nothing to do with 'favouritism' more to do with not nipping a 'drama queen tendancy' in the bud!

jellyhead

Thanks for that

I think that's true for us really. My sister's tantrums were astonishing and it was probably easier to go along with what she demanded, for a quiet life. Dad was rarely around (he had a second job) and mum's personality is more like mine - hating arguments etc.

At the time when you're a kid it all seems bigger, more important. Mum treats us the same pretty much nowadays. I'm quite drippy, so if mum had asked me what I'd wanted I probably would have just shrugged and said nothing really, so it's partly my fault. I sulked a lot so I was quite difficult to communicate with I suppose

SingleSue

miamoo wrote: »

They were bought £40 worth of presents each (the older 2) which at 11 I think is nowhere near enough, most kids want a bike or computer at that age, and lack of money isnt the problem, its what they spend their money on thats the problem (but thats another story)

I spent just a tad over £20 (literally, no more than £21) on each of my boys....it was enough and they appreciated it.

What they want and what they need are two completely different things, saying that, eldest got a bike in the summer...£8 at the boot sale.

My boys are 11, 13 and 16.

tiamai_d

nottslass wrote: »

You've really got me thinking here (and a little worried i've not been fair !)

DS1 is 23 & has long left home,lives with partner & their 2yr old DD.

DS2 is 7 & obviously still at home - DS2 had an xbox & other stuff which came to about £250.
But I only spent about £60 on DS1 (spent about the same on his partner) and I obviously brought nice presents for DGD.

Should I be spending more on DS1 ? - my reasonings were, now he is an adult with his own family my budget for him was a lot less than if he was still living at home,is this fair ?

Any thoughts ?

My little bro got more than me this year. He got his flight to Poland (his girlfriend is over there visiting family) and £200 spending money, I got £40 boots vouchers.... BUT, my 3 children got large gifts. The way I see it, my brother still stays at home, and the grandchildren (my 3) are what Christmas is about for my parents and I. I get something nice (usually a good bottle of perfume) something that is a bit of a treat for me, my husband gets a little something, so all in all, it's fair.

Noctu wrote: »

Can I ask - what do you all think about step-nephews/nieces being treat differently to nephews/nieces?

I have 2 step neices. One gets less because she has a little girl and we do tend to give bigger gifts to the kids and get the 'adults' less (except the ones with no children, namely my lil bro), but the other who is younger, gets the same as a niece born into the family.

Once they are family, they are family no matter how they came to be in the world.

ben500

tiamai_d wrote: »

My little bro got more than me this year. He got his flight to Poland (his girlfriend is over there visiting family) and £200 spending money, I got £40 boots vouchers.... BUT, my 3 children got large gifts. The way I see it, my brother still stays at home, and the grandchildren (my 3) are what Christmas is about for my parents and I. I get something nice (usually a good bottle of perfume) something that is a bit of a treat for me, my husband gets a little something, so all in all, it's fair.



I have 2 step neices. One gets less because she has a little girl and we do tend to give bigger gifts to the kids and get the 'adults' less (except the ones with no children, namely my lil bro), but the other who is younger, gets the same as a niece born into the family.

Once they are family, they are family no matter how they came to be in the world.

Excellent outlook.

Craftyscholar

Spendless wrote: »

Not about material things, but this reminded me of something that happened recently with my friend. Her mum always goes away on hol in set months, one of them co-incides with my friends birthday- they still went away when it was my friend's 40th. Recently friends mum was talking to my friend saying they would have to be careful with their Nov hol for the next 2 years cos they didn't want to clash with being away for their other daughters 40th or her husbands. At this point my mate said something about them always going away on her birthday including her own 40th.

At this her mum looked really surprised and said that they knew they didn't need to take my mates birthday into consideration as my mate doesn't throw paddys the way her younger sister does.

:mad:
I think I would have said (very calmly)
"Just because I didn't make a fuss it doesn't mean it didn't hurt me"
Would have been interesting to see her mother's reaction. :mad:

sausageface

This is so awful and the children will always remember it.

I have two half sister who are 12 and 14 years younger than me and we have never been treated the same gifts wise. I dont know whether it is because SD is well off and my mum has not worked since being with him and he has held the purse strings or what. Before my mum met SD she did struggle bringing up me and my 2 brothers and we always appreciated what she did get us for xmas and she would often go without to provide but that almost stayed the same when she met SD, it was as if she would have to hide spending money on us


I remember one year his parents came to my mums for xmas dinner, the girls got loads of presents off them, me and my brothers got a Blackpool calendar between us! They have never bought us birthday presents. One easter I joined them for dinner - the girls got eggs, presents etc. I got a Twilight egg with no chocolates in - obviously one they had received themselves, ate the chocolates and then passed on to me lol.

I have three children and I am not with their dad, if I ever meet someone and have more children I would never accept any step parent or grandparent etc. treating my children any different from the new child/ren. I would return presents to the "giver" before letting my children feel let down and like second rate people.

SF
xx

Apricot

sausageface wrote: »

I have three children and I am not with their dad, if I ever meet someone and have more children I would never accept any step parent or grandparent etc. treating my children any different from the new child/ren. I would return presents to the "giver" before letting my children feel let down and like second rate people.

SF
xx

My mums rule was always "if you buy for one, you buy for the other" and to be fair even at the age of 22 my sisters dads family still treat me the same as my sister. They are by no means well off but they have always known the rules and accepted them & Ill never forget the love they have shown me over the years even though Im not blood related.:T