Treating kids differently (xmas money)

SingleSue

My boys have an equal amount spent on them from me.....their father however, will sometimes spend more on one child than another but he does do it on an almost rota basis.

My parents have a set amount for each person and have been known to go out and get a chocolate bar, toy car etc just to make it even!

delain

That's really sad i try to be equal with mine but it's not too hard ATM because there's less than 2 years between all 3 of them.

Have to say if it was me I'd probably buy the older kids something good myself and a 'token' gift for the 5yo (at that age they love everything anyway)

kettlefish

The poor children - all of them. The elder two will grow up feeling hard done by, and the younger one will grow up spoilt rotten yet resented by her siblings...

I think if you are a good friend you should raise the subject (perhaps ask if the kids get anything from their dad's family as an opener)

My grandad used to do something which I've never forgotten. He used to send a £60 cheque to my dad, to be split between the kids, and a £60 cheque to my aunty, to be split between her kids. Only thing was, there were 3 of us and 2 of them, so they got more. Doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things, but was pretty hurtful when we found out!

dtc04

Nobody wins the way she is doing things, and I doubt it ends with Christmas presents, putting the youngest first must be an everyday thing or she wouldnt consider doing this. Those poor children.

I have spent a lot more on dd1 than dd2 but only because dd2 is 6 months so I dont think she will care! Eventually I will be spending about the same.

Kandipandi

Poor souls!

The mother should think a thousand shames!

miamoo

Thanks for all the replies, as for the 'drop her as a friend' I use the term 'friend' to cover her identity its a closer relation than a friend if you get my meaning.

The older 2 dont have any contact with their fathers side of the family, they moved away when they were small, and never kept in touch. So nothing from them not even a card.

Its not the new partner (been together 7 years) he is good with all the kids, although tends to spoil the youngest more (treats and things).

My kids dont get exactly the same money every year, I try and be fair but as long as stuff looks the same when they are small thats ok I think.
I have spoke to her about it, and she has said I misheard her, there is only a slight price difference.
Her actual words were "middle child was crying last night because I told her she couldnt have alot for Christmas, because I want to get youngest child everything he has asked for, because he still believes in santa"
How could I miss hear that? anyway its been said now, at least she knows how I feel, so I feel alot better. Thanks for all the comments

folkestonelisa

I try to spend the same on my two even though ones 17 and the others 8 but this year for his 17th we brought him a car, so feel that the little one justifies the extra presents compared to his. And luckily he does understand that he was lucky to get a new car and thats his presents for a few years.

But before this they had equal amounts. could not favour one over the other

miamoo

folkestonelisa wrote: »

I try to spend the same on my two even though ones 17 and the others 8 but this year for his 17th we brought him a car, so feel that the little one justifies the extra presents compared to his. And luckily he does understand that he was lucky to get a new car and thats his presents for a few years.

But before this they had equal amounts. could not favour one over the other

I agree completely my DD has had a laptop £200, because DS is getting a moped for a joint xmas and 16th birthday present.
They usually have around £100 spent each (£50 cash £50 in usefull stuff as stocking fillers)
They are both happy as DD will get a biggie on her 16th when it comes around.

WestonDave

Couple of comments - firstly I'd advise being as sensitive as possible in this situation. Whilst I agree that children need to have at least an appearance of fairness (I'll comment further on that in a mo!), this particular situation involves a bereaved wife and there may be some complex emotions surrounding the children of the late husband. It may be that this issue of presents is a symptom of a bigger problem that the friend needs help with around dealing with her loss, bonding with the children and matching that into her new relationship and new child. I don't know specifically what to advise but maybe being a self appointed honorary god parent to the older children whilst they are in this situation and/or advising the friend to seek some help for the way she feels.

That said whilst we try to be fair, we don't sit down and add things up, and we don't buy stuff for the sake of it, if there is nothing they want just to even things up. Because both their birthdays are relatively near Christmas we tend to end up buying things which are appropriate for their development when they need it rather than religiously sticking to Christmas and birthdays, so I'd be surprised if we'd spent more than £150 between the pair of them this year. If someone said go and spend another £100 each on them, we'd really struggle to find things they'd really enjoy.

onlyroz

Well I have spent more on my four-year-old son than my baby daughter - but that's because the baby isn't going to understand too much about what's going on, and she has inherited a lot of toys from her brother anyway. When she's old enough to understand then I think we'll do things more equally.

I also agree that I don't think it's the amount of money spent that's important - but the number/size of presents should be about the same. I think that's because young children, especially, are more interested in quantity than quality. For example, before he met me my husband would buy his nieces one fairly expensive present. Like one year he bought them both watches - which they turned their noses up at. But once I was on the scene I suggested getting them three or four cheaper presents, which would probably impress them more (e.g. a toy, some chocolate/sweets, and some art/craft thing). That worked for a few years, but now they're teenagers I'm a bit stumped. What do you buy a teenage girl? You can't buy them clothes because they'll hate what you get out of principle - and I don't like just giving them money...