Treating kids differently (xmas money)

miamoo

WestonDave wrote: »

Couple of comments - firstly I'd advise being as sensitive as possible in this situation. Whilst I agree that children need to have at least an appearance of fairness (I'll comment further on that in a mo!), this particular situation involves a bereaved wife and there may be some complex emotions surrounding the children of the late husband. It may be that this issue of presents is a symptom of a bigger problem that the friend needs help with around dealing with her loss, bonding with the children and matching that into her new relationship and new child. I don't know specifically what to advise but maybe being a self appointed honorary god parent to the older children whilst they are in this situation and/or advising the friend to seek some help for the way she feels.

I think this might be the issue. Her ex used to be abusive towards.
I am going to have a proper talk with her after christmas about this thanks for the very helpful post

CAFCGirl

miamoo wrote: »

Thanks for all the replies, as for the 'drop her as a friend' I use the term 'friend' to cover her identity its a closer relation than a friend if you get my meaning.

The older 2 dont have any contact with their fathers side of the family, they moved away when they were small, and never kept in touch. So nothing from them not even a card.

Its not the new partner (been together 7 years) he is good with all the kids, although tends to spoil the youngest more (treats and things).

My kids dont get exactly the same money every year, I try and be fair but as long as stuff looks the same when they are small thats ok I think.
I have spoke to her about it, and she has said I misheard her, there is only a slight price difference.
Her actual words were "middle child was crying last night because I told her she couldnt have alot for Christmas, because I want to get youngest child everything he has asked for, because he still believes in santa"
How could I miss hear that? anyway its been said now, at least she knows how I feel, so I feel alot better. Thanks for all the comments

Me thinks that this could be the year he finds out theres no Santa!

We're soon to have our own little family, although it's likely this will be our first and last but if we did have more, we'd look to operate more on a one big pressie, couple of mids, and then any gimmick chocolatey little things are stocking fillers....and the likelihood is the price will be roughly the same. It does get harder when they get older but given the ages, I cant see why that is a problem.
Take for example, my sister and I are 28 and 25 respectively, and our parents are still very generous. My sister has been given a new dinnerware set (that she wanted) costing £36 for plate, sideplate and bowl..... now times by 4.....

I will get getting a perfume set (which I chose with them) costing £25, and some fat pants from Primark (since I'm pregnant, costing £6....)

And do I care? No because thats all I wanted, but my parents would never have done that pre us being older teenagers.....:o

jellyhead

My brother mentioned in passing today when I commented on my 13 year old's lack of presents that he still remembers one year when we thought about what we had for christmas and realised that mum had spent more on my sis than on the 3 of us put together.

sis demanded a TV so the rest of us got a few little cheap things because mum had no money. My brother and I will never really forget that, the feeling of not being the 'favourite'. It was nothing to do with age because she is the second of 4 children - it was purely because she always got what she asked for.

We got used to it and just accepted it year after year but it did make us feel a bit unloved because it was so very obvious that my sister was spoiled and was the favourite. It would never have crossed mum's mind to buy any of the rest of us a TV for our bedrooms, or to give us something we wanted and let my sister have less. We always knew we would never be treated equally.

My brother just mentioned it - he wasn't suggesting that my eldest is unloved or hard done by. Eldest knows he doesn't have much and he says that's great because he can't find space in his room for what he already got off the inlaws.

But kids do remember being treated differently at christmas.

WestonDave's suggestion of being an honourary god parent to the older children is lovely.

emlou2009

my nan did something similar this year which really pished my auntie off, understandably! they dont leave nearby so she sent money. i have 3 cousins, she sent the 18yo £10, 17yo £10, and the 8yo £5, said it was because a 8yo couldnt possibly need money for anything but the other two are older :rolleyes: then she backtracked a bit and said the 17yo's extra £5 was because he is saving for a moped, and the 18yo's cos she is saving for driving lessons! if that was the case, then she should have sent the money separate from xmas money IMO.
but the 17&18yo's both get £30 p/w EMA while the 8yo gets no pocket money cos they cant afford it at the moment, so if anything surely it should have been the other way round! my auntie was fuming, i dont blame her. she said she would rather they had all been sent just a xmas card than have one or two of them favoured over the others.

I just sent up a hamper of wrapped sweets, chocolates and lush bath smellies, enough for two each, and told them to do a lucky dip. cost me less than £20 including postage, and a lot more thought and effort went into it all! it was much more appreciated too when received.

jellyhead

I just heard eldest saying to my husband that he hopes he gets a pot noodle in his stocking this year, same as last year! So I'm just nipping up to the corner shop

Miamoo will you be seeing these children over the christmas period? Give the middle one and extra hug from me if so

I know kids shouldn't be materialistic, and usually I'd say any kid crying over a lack of presents is greedy etc. but crying in bed is quite sad, and sounds a bit like they are feeling upset about more than 'lack of presents'. Maybe he/she doesn't feel as important as the youngest, maybe they are upset that they know santa doesn't exist and they wish they still believed (my eldest said this at age 9).

When I was little I knew that my grandparents made extra effort to make me feel special and loved (because they could see that my sister was the favourite) and it meant a lot at the time, kids can get upset about things that seem trivial to adults.

Errata

Miamoo - I wonder if the stepdad has a finger in this particular can of worms ?

tandraig

my DIL is a very nice mature girl of twenty one....but last christmas she was really upset when they came over to my house. she had been to her mums first and her mum had given her one (cheap) present then said she had spent over £500 on DILs sister as she was only fourteen and the only one left at home! amazing as they are on benefit too! I couldve gone and smacked her (DILs mum) one!!! how can parents not treat ALL the kids equally? it doesnt have to be equal in monetary terms but no of pressies and getting the kids what they want!

and with that attitude to her kids - I dont think I would really want her as a friend anyway - so wouldnt hesitate to tell her exactly what I think of her, and if we fall out - so be it!

flower24

I think that's awful.

I've no idea how much I've spent on my kids, as I've been buying bits for months, and some of the stuff was bought at a bargain price, but judging by RRPs I think they've got about the same, not that they'd even notice as one is 3 and the other 21 months.

tandraig

young kids dont add up the cost of the present (even if they are aware of it), but they do see if siblings get more than them! my other DIL (a bit of an airhead) has three kids and they are really cash strapped this year, but she has still managed to buy about 15 presents each for the three kids even if they were from pound shops and % & * bargains. good for her! I bought the very expensive gifts the kids really wanted for her and my son to give them, and will be giving my other two kids the cash equivalent on top of their christmas presents, as they are struggling a bit too, but not as much as my son.

iskc85860506

we have three children 4,3 and 1. we spend roughly the same amount on all of them around £250 each or within a few pounds of it anyway. Youngest has £150 in cash to go in account and £100 on presents (most of which is clothes!).
I try to get them the same amount of pressies aswell even if it means lots of presents from £1 shop as they have a particular present that has taken up most of the money.

I have so far allways given them the same amount. I also keep an eye on what cash relatives give simply because (eg when 1st was born he got £200 off a relative as a birth gift, 2nd got £100 off same person at birth and 3rd got £80 so me and hubby made 2nd and 3rd childs up to £250 sothat it was fair. If we hadnt worked it like this 1st child would have about £4000 in acc and youngest two would have ALOT less as it worked similar for Christening, Birthdays etc)

I will make it clear as they get older that if they want expensive clothes or a tv, computer or somthin that they wont have that many pother presents but their siblings may have alot more presents as they didnt want any expensive items. But I would still atleast try to make the presents up with very cheep little gifts.