Treating kids differently (xmas money)

faded_flowers

I hate it One of my best friend's went through this all of her teenage years - step-brother would get a ton of presents and her just a few (he also got the expensive hobbies, the new clothes, the extra tutoring to get to grammar school...) I think her mother and step-father are absolute worms. The thing is she loves her little brother to bits, just can't stand either of them.

My parents always spent the same amount on each of us - they still explain now that 'you have less bits and pieces because...' I always spend the same amount of them, and the same amount on each friend. It wouldn't feel fair otherwise

Shelldean

Yep I'm the treat them ALL equally.
I have four children DD from 1st marriage and 3DS from this one.
DS3 got a netbook cost £200.
DS1 got half a netbook ( he paid other half) and a bike Cost £200
DS2 got half a PS3 (he paid just over half we did put just over £100 as he'dnot had as much as his twin on birthday back in Oct, everything is kept equal) He also got a bike Cost £200

DD wanted a guitar, cost £80, So we have come to an agreement with her. We will put £120 into her account, this will be £10 a mth for her to go out for meals etc ( she's 17) It also has the benefit that this £120 will come from Jan's pay, easing the pressure on us a little bit.

Then they've al had about 25/30 on clothes and stuff to go under the tree.

Totally totally equal, whether it's christmas or birthdays, and DD who is not from this relationship is treater equally with her brothers

nottslass_2

Shelldean wrote: »

Yep I'm the treat them ALL equally.
I have four children DD from 1st marriage and 3DS from this one.
DS3 got a netbook cost £200.
DS1 got half a netbook ( he paid other half) and a bike Cost £200
DS2 got half a PS3 (he paid just over half we did put just over £100 as he'dnot had as much as his twin on birthday back in Oct, everything is kept equal) He also got a bike Cost £200

DD wanted a guitar, cost £80, So we have come to an agreement with her. We will put £120 into her account, this will be £10 a mth for her to go out for meals etc ( she's 17) It also has the benefit that this £120 will come from Jan's pay, easing the pressure on us a little bit.

Then they've al had about 25/30 on clothes and stuff to go under the tree.

Totally totally equal, whether it's christmas or birthdays, and DD who is not from this relationship is treater equally with her brothers

You've really got me thinking here (and a little worried i've not been fair !)

DS1 is 23 & has long left home,lives with partner & their 2yr old DD.

DS2 is 7 & obviously still at home - DS2 had an xbox & other stuff which came to about £250.
But I only spent about £60 on DS1 (spent about the same on his partner) and I obviously brought nice presents for DGD.

Should I be spending more on DS1 ? - my reasonings were, now he is an adult with his own family my budget for him was a lot less than if he was still living at home,is this fair ?

Any thoughts ?

jellyhead

There's a ten year gap between the 4 of us and my mum spent less on us after we turned 18 - we had jobs even if part time and were technically adults, plus if we wanted something expensive we could save up and get it for ourselves. I bought my own TV for my room when I was 18.

Nobody felt jealous of the youngest ones getting 'proper' christmas presents because they were under 18 so it seemed 'fair'.

My mum tries to be fair with all the grandchildren. That's one thing I've always found odd when people say on MSE that grannies give less to the families where there are lots of siblings. It's not the children's decision to have a large family, and each child is an individual, not just X's child. I really don't understand the idea behind 'well there's 3 of you so you only get a third of what your only-child cousin does'

dtc04

there are quiet a few of us and the youngest is 20 years younger than me and 12 years between him and the next youngest. Everybody over 18 gets about the same and the youngest gets a lot more. All the grandchildren get about the same as each other.

I dont think you are being unfair, there is a big difference between treating an adult child differently, than treating them differently when they are all children.

MERFE

Growing up my little sister was treated so much differently -so much so that this year they came to us for dinner and little sis mentioned how she asked 'what no stocking this year' to mum in the morning. She is 21 now and my mum stopped stockings for older sis and me when we stopped believing in santa. We even got a whole massive lecture about not telling little sis that santa doesnt exist or we would get nothing.

The thing about the presents is its annoying but not the end of the world ie it is materialistic and unimportant. If this was it, it would not bother me, however mum has done worse at 16 I had a part time job and once a month had to work late till 8pm. I'd catch a train back then call mum to collect me but if she didnt feel like coming to get me she would ignore the phone and then I'd have a choice of walking home or waiting 2 hours for the last bus home (was the middle of nowhere and only took about an hour to walk). I didnt really think much of it at the time I was given alot of independence growing up and enjoyed it but it bugs me now that little sis at 21 is still getting lifts to and from work when there are alternatives such as bus or walking (she does not work that far away). For my 21st birthday I was given £20, little sis got taken on holiday to eygpt, I dont think older sis got anything because she went off the rails for a bit but then who could blame her.

With my kids I try to keep it as even as possible, I bought them bikes in the summer so they just had a few bits at christmas not alot, stockings are pretty much identical, then an outfits each, a main pressie and a couple of smaller bits. I dont think the money was equal exactly but they are young and had the same number of things. My mum is already accusing me of not treating them equally but imo I'm alot fairer than she ever was.

Shelldean

nottslass wrote: »

You've really got me thinking here (and a little worried i've not been fair !)

DS1 is 23 & has long left home,lives with partner & their 2yr old DD.

DS2 is 7 & obviously still at home - DS2 had an xbox & other stuff which came to about £250.
But I only spent about £60 on DS1 (spent about the same on his partner) and I obviously brought nice presents for DGD.

Should I be spending more on DS1 ? - my reasonings were, now he is an adult with his own family my budget for him was a lot less than if he was still living at home,is this fair ?

Any thoughts ?

Mine are all at home still and in full time education so different circs for us at the moment, but I think if one has left home and and their own family, then yes I think I'd prob be treating them slightly different.

miamoo

I think when they are very small under 6 say then as long as pressies look equal thats ok. When they are 7ish to 18 then they have the same money, whether thats presents or cash.
When mine get to 18 they get less, probably one nice present.
When they leave home then I dont think you should spend the same as you would on a teen living at home, especially if they are working.

Thanks for all the replies I have just caught up with them all, I think my main worry is the fact that they are step kids, and I dont want them feeling less loved.
They were bought £40 worth of presents each (the older 2) which at 11 I think is nowhere near enough, most kids want a bike or computer at that age, and lack of money isnt the problem, its what they spend their money on thats the problem (but thats another story)

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Whatever you do as a parent, there will be someone saying that it is unfair. If you spend more on one, the other will complain; if you spend the same, one will complain that they don't have the same number of presents; the other will feel hard done by because one present was larger than theirs.

Then there will be one was allowed more freedom than the other, one got to go to a particular party that the other didn't, one got a type of top the other wanted, one got nicer shoes/pencil case/CDs/the colour iPod the other one wanted....

Whatever you do, you will probably be in the wrong with someone.

It's all part of being a parent.

And well meaning relatives just add fuel to the fire.

Noctu

Can I ask - what do you all think about step-nephews/nieces being treat differently to nephews/nieces?