Rant about unsuitable xmas gifts

Lunar_Eclipse

aliasojo wrote: »

Lol...no that's definitely not the case.

The Mum is quite opinionated and wont take kindly to being told her presents aren't suitable...no matter how tactfully I worded it. That I do know. I'd be told I was an old fuddy duddy and to let my girl have them. :rolleyes:

Just bear in mind that it isn't necessarily the Mum's presents that are inappropriate. Your daughter's friend probably chose them herself. My children buy their friends presents themselves, out of saved pocket money. They are 8 and 9, although obviously I am with them when they buy them. Eldest bought her two 10 year old best friends a knitting set and cute mini canvas with funky pencils. She received a worry doll and a box of bath bombs in return (they opened them together yesterday at school.)

With the exception of tarty clothes (for the dressing up box:D) or books/movies that are clearly defined by age, I can't think was could be so bad that you would confiscate it immediately. Personally, without knowing what the gifts are, I would probably let her open them, see what she thinks and simply say 'wow, you're lucky 'caus I'd never buy you that.' A big deal would cause WW3 in our house, if we played it down, the attraction would be minimised. If it's something she will want to wear every day, that's a different matter and something you could then discuss. We have experienced the same as DD1 does have some friends who wear heels and older clothes etc. The good news is that my daughter doesn't like it either and rarely shows interest in items that are way beyond her age, except mobile phones (which she doesn't have!)

I suppose my thinking is don't jump the gun.:)

aliasojo

Lunar_Eclipse wrote: »

Your daughter's friend probably chose them herself.

No that, not the case. Mum did get the things in last year's sales as I suspected (that's been confirmed). She apparently buys lots of items when they are cheap and then decides who gets what, come the following Christmas.

Nothing wrong in grabbing a bargain, I do it myself, but it looks like she was just trying to make people fit her bargains maybe.

seven-day-weekend

BitterAndTwisted wrote: »

All the people on this thread suggesting that the OP does something underhand and/or tells lies about the presents are really, really surprising me and I truly hope they are all just joking. Not really a terribly good lesson to be teaching a young girl, I reckon. In fact, a worse lesson than allowing her to have things inappropriate for her age imo. A better one would be to discuss, explain and compromise just as we do (or should) in the adult world.

If you really don't want your daughter to have the present, you are going to have to sit her down and tell her why.

I know exactly how you feel. My son is nearly 30 now, but when he was young I would not let him do certain things that some of his friends were allowed to do, and was very strict about TV programmes etc. I stopped him going to one person's house because they were showing 18 videos when the kids were only about 12. However, I always explained to him why I was doing it, and also pointed out that x's parents might have different ideas but we had got to bring him up the way we thought was right, to do anything else would be wrong.

He always accepted this, I never had any arguments about it. It did help that his best friend's parents had the same standard as we did.

I also would have a word with the parent and say you won't be giving your daughter the present as you really feel it is unsuitable, but thank her for it and offer it her back so she can change it if she wishes. Otherwise you are going to have this happen every year. She will probably be so annoyed she won't buy any more! And she almost certainly WILL think you are a fuddy-duddy, that's the price you have to pay for having standards.

(I always say I am really glad we never had a girl, because we would not even have allowed Barbie dolls let alone those awful Bratz dolls. At all. Not at any age. )


Hope it works out for you.

Ruby_Moon

aliasojo wrote: »

Lol...no that's definitely not the case.

The Mum is quite opinionated and wont take kindly to being told her presents aren't suitable...no matter how tactfully I worded it. That I do know. I'd be told I was an old fuddy duddy and to let my girl have them. :rolleyes:

Why would you care if she did call you a fuddy duddy?
If you don't think your daughter should have the presents then take them off her after shes opened them and return them to the parents of her friend.
Tell them that you don't allow her to have these kind of things and whilst you appreciate them buying her a gift you are unable to accept.
If your daughter kicks off then tell her she isn't an adult yet.

Edinburghlass_2

People obviously skim read rather than actually taking in the posts the OP has made. She hasn't said she cared if she was called a fuddy duddy, she has explained on several occasions that she will be talking to her daughter about the presents and I see no indication that the daughter will "kick off" in any way?

I wouldn't be giving them back or speaking to the giver of the presents, I'd go with your idea of thanks very much but next year can we just leave out present giving altogether.

aliasojo

Well after mulling it over for a few days, I've decided what I'm going to do. Although I appreciate everyone's replies, I don't feel comfortable with the suggestions that I allow my daughter to have/use 'whatever' only in the house. To my mind, she is either allowed something or she's not, you can't be allowed something 'a wee bit' iyswim. I think as soon as you do the 'wee bit' of something, you've already stepped on that path and if you've allowed it at all, you've given the message that it's ok.

Again, using FCUK as an example......if you don't agree with the branding on principle (examples below taken from Wiki).....

French Connection exploited the controversy of the name, producing an extremely popular range of t-shirts with messages such as "fcuk fashion", "fcuk this", "hot as fcuk", "mile high fcuk", "too busy to fcuk", "lucky fcuk", "Fun Comes Usually Kneeling", "fcuk on the beach", Cool as fcuk, etc. There were also a number of regionally specific messages, such as "fondle constantly until knackered" (in the UK), "fcuk in hull" ,"no fcukin worries" (in Australia) and "fcuk off". "Chugging the fcuk" and "Munching on fcuk" were popular shirt titles.

............. then would you still think ok it to to put in the dressing up box? Or only wear in the house? I wouldn't. This is a good example of a clear cut, 'either allowed it or not' item in my mind. Anything which I feel is extremely 'tarty' or 'sexual' doesn't have a place in my daughter's life at age 10 so I can't allow it 'sometimes' otherwise I would feel I was compromising my principles and taking the easy route for a quiet life rather than the tougher route of making the sometimes unpopular type of decision I associate with being a good parent.

I think kids need clear dividing lines so they always know what you will allow and what you wont, doing something 'a little' bit' or 'only at certain times' leaves room for interpretation imo and pretty soon you'll fall foul of the 'well I've already done it/used it/ worn it then so why can't I do it now' type of argument. Worse still is if they get more bolshie and decide to sneak 'whatever' out of the house to use/wear at other times. (Memories from my own childhood surfacing -sorry Mum :D.)

I'm going to let her open the presents so she can see what they were and then I'm going to take the most unsuitable one(s) off her after discussing why I feel they are inappropriate. She already understands there is a difference between the way we raise her and the way her friend is raised so I dont think it will come as too much of a shock to her. Whether she understands enough to be happy about it or not is a different matter. I've already found out about the nail thing as suggested by JTW and there is a place local (ish) to us who can issue a fancy gift voucher so I'm going to have that ready to suggest as a replacement treat for when I take the other thing off her. She's quite 'girly' so I think she'd really like that better anyway tbh.

I also want to say that my thoughts above are only that....my thoughts. I'm happy I'm doing the right thing for us, that doesn't mean everyone should parent the same way and we all need to make choices we feel comfortable with. Thanks again for all your thoughts. I hope your Christmas present opening is calm and peaceful.

aliasojo

seven-day-weekend wrote: »

If you really don't want your daughter to have the present, you are going to have to sit her down and tell her why.

Check.


Hope it works out for you.

Thanks.

Ruby_Moon wrote: »

Why would you care if she did call you a fuddy duddy?

I wouldn't give a toss if she did......my comment was an example of what her reaction would be.

If your daughter kicks off then tell her she isn't an adult yet.

Cheers.

Edinburghlass wrote: »

I wouldn't be giving them back or speaking to the giver of the presents, I'd go with your idea of thanks very much but next year can we just leave out present giving altogether.

Yes, that's going to be my plan of action now. For all I disagree with the other parent's choices, I recognise the fact they were kind enough to even think about giving my girl presents and I don't want to hurt their feelings in any way.

All these posts appeared whilst I was typing out my last reply.

jamespir

you really have no life if you feel the need to unwrap your daughters presents and then rewrap them cause you might not like whats inside your not thinking about your daughter your thinking about yourself

at the end of the day the daughters freinds have brought her a present and you say thank you and leave it at that if you dont you risk alienating your daughter and her freinds

daska

jamespir wrote: »

you really have no life if you feel the need to unwrap your daughters presents and then rewrap them cause you might not like whats inside your not thinking about your daughter your thinking about yourself

at the end of the day the daughters freinds have brought her a present and you say thank you and leave it at that if you dont you risk alienating your daughter and her freinds

you are so wrong I can't even work out where to begin...

I've been in the position of my children being given totally inappropriate gifts - should I have let a 10yr old out wearing a thong, hot pants and a boob tube just because another parent doesn't mind her child looking like a tart?

aliasojo

jamespir wrote: »

you really have no life if you feel the need to unwrap your daughters presents and then rewrap them cause you might not like whats inside your not thinking about your daughter your thinking about yourself

at the end of the day the daughters freinds have brought her a present and you say thank you and leave it at that if you dont you risk alienating your daughter and her freinds

James you clearly have no clue about parenting so perhaps it would be best to stick to subjects you have knowledge of.

I feel your comments are less than helpful to the discussion. You've made them personal and are designed to denigrate my choices and me as a person rather than the situation.