We'd like to remind Forumites to please avoid political debate on the Forum... Read More »
📨 Have you signed up to the Forum's new Email Digest yet? Get a selection of trending threads sent straight to your inbox daily, weekly or monthly!
naughty child not getting any presents for christmas?
Options
Comments
-
I suspect many of us parents with autistic children spend more time at the end of our tether than parents of non autistics kids could ever imagine !!
I'd say so, and by the looks of it, your getting crap from all angles (sadly, pun intended).
PurleJay, love is unconditional, but love is not 'things'. Toys are not a measure of a parents love.0 -
When I give him gifts I do it because I love him not because he has been good. I don't want to take them away as punishment because that would be like saying I only love you if you have been good and don't love you if you have been bad.
Eh?
Since when have gift represented love? What a revolting idea.
My kids know that I love them no matter what. Through thick and thin. Including when I confiscate toys or when they rightly get told off."One day I realised that when you are lying in your grave, it's no good saying, "I was too shy, too frightened."
Because by then you've blown your chances. That's it."0 -
Duchy - I don't doubt that for a minute.
mrcow - I am sure you love your kids, and the OP loves hers too. It appears that perhaps she wasn't really considering cancelling santa but was asking for others thoughts. All sorts of things can cross your mind when you are at the end of your tether.
IMO lots of parents use 'things' as bribery and this is something I try not to do on a big scale. Saying if you aren't good, you won't get any christmas presents seems to me like those presents as being used as a bribe.
If I give presents to anyone, it is because I care about them. It is not to get something in return. How is that the wrong approach? And if that seems ok when I buy my mum or my husband or my friends then why not my son?
I agree children need telling off at times and taking things away so long as fair warning is given - probably as a consequence for doing something really bad is probably ok too. I am not there yet though as my little one is only 3. At present I only take his things away if he is likely to hurt/damage and he always gets the chance to have them back as soon as he stops trying to hit the cat with it, or whatever! Taking things away is accompanied by explaining the whys and wherefores!
tiamai_d - no, love is not always unconditional. I love my son unconditionally and toys are not a 'measure' of this. Some parents cannot afford to give their children many toys but this doesn't mean they love them any less.
I would be interested to know why parents give presents to their children if it isn't because you care about them / it is a nice thing to do for them.
What parent would let a child young enough to believe in santa, think that they had not been given them any presents because they are so bad (and I am not saying the OP would have in practice either). Does anyone really think it would help. It would make the child feel bad, unhappy and yes unloved. So however much you were thinking I love them unconditionally and this is for their own good - that is NOT how they will see it. They are unlikely to take a look at their behaviour and think oh well, fair enough, I will be good from now on aren't they? It is about the child's perception.
If anyone is interested, I read a book a while back called Unconditional Parenting by Alfie Kohn which has some good stuff in. I appreciate it isn't everyone's cup of tea but some of it is very persuasive. http://www.alfiekohn.org/up/content/interview.asp'Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about learning to dance in the rain'0 -
mrcow - I am sure you love your kids, and the OP loves hers too. It appears that perhaps she wasn't really considering cancelling santa but was asking for others thoughts. All sorts of things can cross your mind when you are at the end of your tether.
Why are you directing this at me?
I can see where the OP s coming from completely. "One day I realised that when you are lying in your grave, it's no good saying, "I was too shy, too frightened."
Because by then you've blown your chances. That's it."0 -
Fair enough.
Sorry = I've just seen what you've done - no - my earlier comment was directed to you, not the OP - when you said about if you remove something from a child then it's saying that you don't love them - like a possession somehow is representational of your love. That's a really perverted idea of what unconditional love is about.When I give him gifts I do it because I love him not because he has been good. I don't want to take them away as punishment because that would be like saying I only love you if you have been good and don't love you if you have been bad.
It's a really nasty idea. Toys or presents (or lack of them) do not show your children how much you love them.
If something is taken away, it's a punishment. It doesn't mean that you are removing your love as well "One day I realised that when you are lying in your grave, it's no good saying, "I was too shy, too frightened."
Because by then you've blown your chances. That's it."0 -
My daughter is 10, has Asperger's. She finds this time of year very difficult, the decorations go up, the routine at school changes, it throws her off kilter and she gets moody and aggressive, she gets anxious and tearful. When you know the cause it gets so much easier to deal with.
I would get him to do little jobs if possible (mine have to tidy the shoe cupboard, stack dishwasher etc)
But I would entirely agree with blindmouse's approach.
Good luck, parenting is never easy!0 -
If something is taken away, it's a punishment. It doesn't mean that you are removing your love as well :
I know it doesn't mean you are actually removing your love as well but the point I was trying to make is that a child may perceive it that way and I don't think that is helpful. Especially when the child is still young enough to believe in Santa and where he may not be able to fully understand or control all of his behaviours, be this because of age/maturity or whatever.'Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about learning to dance in the rain'0 -
My daughter is 10, has Asperger's. She finds this time of year very difficult, the decorations go up, the routine at school changes, it throws her off kilter and she gets moody and aggressive, she gets anxious and tearful. When you know the cause it gets so much easier to deal with.
I would get him to do little jobs if possible (mine have to tidy the shoe cupboard, stack dishwasher etc)
But I would entirely agree with blindmouse's approach.
Good luck, parenting is never easy!
many adults feel the same was as your daughter does - change of routine, stress, etc.
One question which may have been answered, as I haven't looked at this thread for a couple of days - does your son believe in Santa or does he believe the presents come from you? I've never understood why parents say that santa brings their presents, and then have to sort out the lie when they are 5 or whatever, so if you do not give him the presents, will he know that it's you that have withheld the gifts?0
This discussion has been closed.
Confirm your email address to Create Threads and Reply
Categories
- All Categories
- 351.2K Banking & Borrowing
- 253.2K Reduce Debt & Boost Income
- 453.7K Spending & Discounts
- 244.2K Work, Benefits & Business
- 599.2K Mortgages, Homes & Bills
- 177K Life & Family
- 257.6K Travel & Transport
- 1.5M Hobbies & Leisure
- 16.1K Discuss & Feedback
- 37.6K Read-Only Boards