naughty child not getting any presents for christmas?

lrr_2

ceebeeby wrote: »

:rolleyes:

No - we've got past that bit!!! DS is hopefully getting his gifts alongside the rest of the family!

Now we're trying to support the OP in how to cope with her son.

sorry I spoke....

gingin_2

Peakma wrote: »

Hi not read the whole thread,as I don't have time.
But how could you even contemplate not giving him pressie sat xmas?
What did he do,have I missed that?
.

I don't understand why you don't have time to read any of the thread but have time to type out a long post? If you had read just a few of the posts on the last few pages you might have got an idea of Atwitsend's dilemma.

Your advice is sound but not particularly appropriate. I do wonder if it is better if this thread is left to drift off for the OP's sake.

duchy

atwitsend wrote: »

So because my son has autism and ADHD, he is allowed to get away with smearing his own excrement over the walls of the toilet? hitting other children? kicking the teacher? and then being very rude to some children who had came into his school to put on a christmas performance?
This is not usual behaviour for my son, this is precisely why I didnt say sooner as I knew people would jump to the 'oh he has adhd/autism bandwagon'
trust me, I do not get ANY amusement out of this thread. Its me that that has to deal with behaviour.

This post jumped out at me-as you see from my sig I have a son with Aspergers. He's now 18 however I remember every year dreading the time from half term til Christmas when he was your son's age.
The run up to Christmas is a nightmare time for ASD kids-they like routine and to know where they stand but in the run up to Christmas -for them school is a really disturbing place as it looks different, schedules are changed and other kids are hyper too. They simply can't cope !
He isn't been naughty -he's expressing distress.
That's not an excuse -but it IS a reason and I know I worked with my very supportive primary school to give my son structure and extra support at this really difficult time of the year for him.

However I would be questioning if he's actually at the right school if they knowing he's on the spectrum consider this "naughty" rather than stressed behavour. My son went to a normal CoE primary school who had never knowingly had a child on the spectrum before however once diagnosed went out of their way to find out. They sent the SENCO on a course-I lent her books and we made lots of minjor adjustments that made life easier for everyone. As an example Josh found proximity to other kids difficult and would act up at carpet time. They gave him a seat on the edge of the carpet instead and the problem vanished. Often it's attitude of school rather than expertise that makes the difference. Does he have a statement? If he doesn't I suggest you push for one so the school can access better support if you must keep him there-or to obtain a better placement.

Molly41

seven-day-weekend wrote: »

Maybe, but he still needs to learn that it is not acceptable behaviour.

If his 'naughtiness' stems from a medical condition, I would not think depriving him of presents is going to work, until he realises that his behaviour IS unacceptable. Difficult to give any other advice if we don't know how old he is.

My son has Aspergers' Syndrome (didn't know until he was grown up) and had problems with doing his school work. We told him that every time he got a good mark (which intellectually he was capable of doing), we would buy him a Big Mac. This really motivated him and in one particular subject at least, he did really well ( must add this was all at Secondary School level).

I absolutley agree its not acceptable to smear poo but he probably does not realise it and its probably not deliberate so he should not be punished for it. He should not be put in a position where he gets the opportunity to do it so wonder how long he was left at school. Perhaps there is another explanation...perhaps he was trying to sort ot out. Thats why I suggested that you try and see it through his eyes.

I do feel for the OP and can see your frustration. By looking for the tiniest positives you can begin to feel more in control of the situation. It has to be looked at with a totally different perspective - your childs perspective.

PurpleJay

OK kneejerk reaction admittedly but are you completly mad????!!!! I actually feel physically sick that you would even consider not giving your child any christmas presents!

Don't do it. He will never forget it and will never forgive you. Chrismas is magical to children. How could you even consider taking that away...?!

If you don't want to make empty threats, just don't make them about this.

dizziblonde

My mum called Santa and got one of my presents back from him (because parents wrap them and send them on to Santa in a kind of more efficient than Royal Mail delivery system.... basically... I kept finding them hidden in about August time and they needed an explanation) and withheld it because I was being an utter pain in the rear one year. I got the present later on in the year when I got a good report and had got myself back in line - never caused a problem or psychological harm - but I understood I was being a right little what-not and deserved it.

As for the Aspergers/Autism thing - this time of year is always hard for them in schools etc as, however hard you try to explain and prepare them for what's going on, the timetable and structure goes right out of the window and they do struggle to cope with it in alot of cases. Can I just thank you though for agreeing that him kicking the teacher and pupils isn't acceptable rather than just assuming that they should take the kicking because of his special needs? It's really refreshing to see someone actually agreeing it's not on and wanting to work to sort issues out rather than just playing the "SEN stuff it and take the kicking" card. Sorry, there's tolerance and understanding and then there's expecting another human being to be kicked and physically assaulted on a daily basis and that's wrong - whatever the issues behind it (my old boss had to do a risk assessment on which class to place a known physically violent kid in - and the sheer barbaric nature of her having to sit and decide which teacher was going to end up taking a kicking shocked me - just the system being so wrong).

I'd see how he is after Christmas when the seasonal stuff's settled down before getting too down about his behaviour - this time of year can send the most calm children loopy anyway. If he's acted up in the last couple of weeks - Santa is too far away to use as a punishment anyway really - he'll have completely forgotten what he's done by the time the day rolls around!

duchy

Woah hold it right there I NEVER said kicking or the other behavours were acceptable. I said there were reasons for them.........and with GOOD support can be headed off before they happen. As well as the parent of an aspergers child I've worked in AEN and I've seen too often so called professionals decide that stressed and distressed behaviours are simple naughtiness.


I feel for this child he is getting labled as naughty for things beyond his control and no-one is looking ahead to see possible outcomes and stop them( before they get to unacceptable) with intervention.

Rachel021967

Have you tried https://www.mugsy.org.uk might need to drop the uk. It's the Surrey Branch of National Autistic Society. You should be able to download their newsletter which has an article on coping with Christmas. Many autistics have problems with Christmas - breakdown of routine, been forced to socialise, taking the idea literally than a strange man in a red suit will come into his bedroom, not knowing what's in a present etc.etc.etc. All scary stuff for an autistic child.
It sounds as though the school have very little understanding of autism. I would push for a statement and one-to-one support at school from somebody who has some training in autism. You should definately not be expected to discipline him on school matters. Many autistics find their home their sanctuary.

PurpleJay

Just wanted to add something a little more constructive after reading more of the thread. I don't agree with rewards and punishment as such. We don't use rewards charts yet (my son is 3) and we don't intend to. When I give him gifts I do it because I love him not because he has been good. I don't want to take them away as punishment because that would be like saying I only love you if you have been good and don't love you if you have been bad. I also feel that it is important to try not to label a child as 'bad' or 'naughty'. It is important to try to get across that it is the behaviour that is not acceptable and not the child. Love must be unconditional. I hope this makes sense. I don't mean it to be preachy and in practice, it can be hard to remember all the time, we are sometimes ingrained with things from our own childhood and I find myself saying things and kicking myself after. Being aware of where you want to get to is a great start. Being a parent is hard, we all reach the end of our tether at times. In dealing with your son, you do need support from people who understand autism/adhd and I don't profess to. I think what I have said applies to all children but you need other strategies. I hope things improve soon. Good luck.

duchy

I suspect many of us parents with autistic children spend more time at the end of our tether than parents of non autistics kids could ever imagine !!