telling a partner about my debt

littlesmurf

i'm still here
and yes the letter is still in the box
one day i think yes i'll tell him tonight, it will take away my guilt but then burdens my hubby. other times i think, i have managed this long and my dmp has been going for 10 months now do i just manage on my own. The payments are being met and the bills are paid

but i think if he finds out in the future by accident it will be far worse, so yes i'm still very confused and incredibly guilty.

all the responses that i have had are helpful and very true and once again i want to thank everyone for the comments.
littlesmurf xx

shopaholic2

Hi, I just wanted to add my support to you, I am in a very similar situation,. altho not on a DMP yet, but I've run up debts and am terrified of telling hubby. He leaves all finances to me, so isn;t aware of anything, altho he knows things are tight.
I wouldn't want to burden him with this, I'm trying to sort it myself...
I just wanted to ask you..
What will happen if your hubby decided to try to buy something on credit?
Will your debt problems affect his credit rating?
I'm asking because I think My hubby might want to apply for a b and q account card in the spring, and i'm quite worried!

Hope things are going ok for you,littlesmurf, and I know how you feel, the guilt and secrecy is hard, but not as hard as fessing up!!
Hugs xx

littlesmurf

I have had the same worry. My husband applied for a credit card to swap his very small amount balance... He was refused and i'm guessing its because of me. He didn't pursue it thankfully , but that worry is always there, i'm not quite sure how it works ,but i have been told that because we have a joint bank account his credit rating would be affected. I could be wrong . anyone help with the answers ?
xx

naughtymittens

Yes you will be 'financially linked' because of your joint account. Although I don't know whether this is the reason he was refused the credit card. I sounds like the stress is making you sick, surely telling him would be better than living with this guilt. You haven't murdered anyone for goodness sake! He will be shocked and angry but will want to help you I'm sure.

ElkyElky

Littlesmurf, I personally think the quicker you tell him, the better it will be for everyone.

Can't you confide in a close friend or family member who can break the news gently to him?

Remember, it is only money and your problems can be fixed. The problem is only as bad as you make it and being stressed about it really isn't necessary. His reaction may pleasantly surprise you.

You need to just go for it.. like ripping off a waxing strip or something. Don't even think about it, just blurt it out as soon as he steps in the room.

If you can't pluck up the courage now, when will you? four, five or six years down the line, when your severely depressed and hospitalised due to the stress?


He can help you. You just need to let him.

Snowdonlily

Hi littlesmurf..........I've just come across this thread and had to reply because there are so many similarities between your situation and mine. I've also been married for 20 years and for the last 5 or so have been hiding my bank statements and credit card bills from my DH. I was worried sick and taking it out on everyone else including my sons. It all came to a head just before Christmas, something happened and I had to come clean.

My DH is also a stickler for honesty and is super good with his money, but after the initial disappointment and a little bit of shouting he was amazing. I was like you......thinking...... "its my mess, I'll sort it out" ......but we all need help and support and for the first time in years I've actually stopped spending.

It won't be easy, but believe me once you tell him you'll be kicking yourself for not telling him sooner cos you'll feel so much better.

cookie220985

any update littlesmurf? whats the situation hun, does the hubby know yet? how near are you to finishing your dmp?

Snowdonlily

Hi Littlesmurf, I know exactly how you're feeling. I was in the same situation for a few years. I hid things from my DH and lied through my teeth on occasion. I eventually came clean a few weeks ago (I'd told him part of the story last year, but left a lot of things out!). Now he knows everything, I was so grumpy and weepy all the time, he was imagining allsorts.

He didn't take it very well, and we didn't speak much for a couple of days, but after he calmed down, he's been so supportive. Its such a relief not having to hide everything........if someone had told me I probably wouldn't have believed them.

Good luck, you'll know when the time is right x

GeorgeUK

Littlesmurf, although most of this thread has been about whether or when you should tell your hubby, we may also be able to advise on some areas of your debt.

I know you're in a DMP so can't take more creditout but have you posted a statement of affairs to see if there any savings to be made in your expenditure?

Also if you are able to save any money you may be able to make reduced settlement offers to the creditors (full and final settlement only - not partial or short settlement).

Hope you're okay.

littlesmurf

i have just increased my dmp after getting a few more hours a week work. I just realised i haven't told any of you what my debts are, so here goes............

Lloyds tsb consolidated debt(and no it didn't work) £17900
capital one £3500
Mbna £ 3500
£24,900 . Thats the first time i've told anyone (except payplan)
total paid off £1535
now £23365

originially was paying £120 which meant i had twenty years to pay but with the increase i can now pay £203 :T bringing it down to 9 years, still horrendous but a light at the end of the tunnel. That is every spare penny i have, My car will be finished paying for in July which will then give me another £96 a month to pay . I will not lie any more to my hubby and if something comes up(which it is going to at some point) then i will tell him everything. That may be soon, we have just come out of a 2 year fixed rate tie in with our mortgage, and I know we can't get a new deal because of me
x