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telling a partner about my debt

i have got myself in a load of debt over the past few years. after burying my head in the sand , i finally took control and contacted the national debtline, i am now on a dmp and have made regular payments for 8 months. i'm still not sleeping . my husband knows nothing about this. he always gives me 100% support in everything i do, but he hates debt and lies, which me being in this mess means i have had to. i desperatly want to tell him but then i wonder if telling him will help, as i know he won't sleep either then :( Any advise , and is anyone else in the same situation
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Comments

  • Hi littlesmurf. Just want to say well done for taking control of your debts. Thats the first big step. Please talk to your husband. If he's as supportive as you say, after the initial shock i'm sure he'll be fine. Then you can handle it together.
    A problem shared........etc. There will be really helpfull people on here at some point who can help you more than me but in the mean time how about writing him a letter if you feel too scared to tell him. GOOD LUCK.
  • Well done sorting it out once and for all you have done the hard bit, you will be suprised how many people don`t contact people for help!!
    I would tell my husband and then you will have his support too. I know it won`t be easy to make the initial chat but you will feel better for sharing it with him. He will be shocked, maybe confused as to why you haven`t said anything so make sure you have the answers ready.
    Also try and see why you got in the debts to enable you to stay away from whatever it was that caused you to be in this situation.
    Good luck and keep in touch so we know all is ok x
    DebtFree FEB 2010!
    Slight blip in 2013 - Debtfree Aug 2014 :j

    Savings £132/£1000.
  • timmmers
    timmmers Posts: 3,750 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture 1,000 Posts Name Dropper
    I hate lies too. I would understand this one though..as it's not a lie really. It's hiding.

    When you have toothache it hurts yet you fear the pain of the dentist and sometimes put it off, knowing that you'll have to go eventually. The longer you leave it, the worse it gets. Then you finally pluck up the guts to go, get the work done...and come home wondering what you worried about. Yes it hurt for a little while, but it's fixed for good now. Life is better.

    Telling your hubby may be uncomfortable, he will be annoyed and maybe disappointed that you didn't tell him. Once you have, you'll have someone to talk to again, you won't be so alone. It's not like you haven't made a really good start at fixing your mess is it?

    He's going to find out one day you know...find a letter or answer the phone or something...much better he finds out from you.

    He may already know something is wrong, men aren't as dim as women think you know ;)

    Best of luck.

    t
    Hi, we’ve had to remove your signature. If you’re not sure why please read the forum rules or email the forum team if you’re still unsure - MSE ForumTeam
  • i finally took control and contacted the national debtline, i am now on a dmp and have made regular payments for 8 months.

    He might be a little hurt at first that you didn't tell him sooner, but I'm sure when he understands that you have, and are, taking control & paying it off with a sensible plan he will support you :)
    Debt Free as of 17/01/2009 Turtle Power!!

    EF Challenger #3 £1543.72 / £5000
    MFW 2024 #100 £1300.00 / £10,000

    MFiT #40 Jan 2025 Target - £99,999.00
    Mortgage at 30/09/22 £113,694.11 | Mortgage at 24/01/23 £110,707.87
    Mortgage at 21/04/23 £107,701.01 | Mortgage at 20/07/23 £106,979.65
    Mortgage at 04/10/23 £106,253.77 | Mortgage at 10/01/24 £105,324.57
    Mortgage at 01/04/24 £104,424.73 | Mortgage at 01/10/24 £103,594.98
  • how about writing him a letter.

    My mum once told us she had a secret she wanted to tell us, but couldn't find the courage to say the words.

    I told her to write a letter and, if she still couldn't face telling us, burn the letter so noone will have chance to read it.
    Just the act of writing a letter will organise the jumbled thoughts in your head and get them into some sort of order so you can tell him exactly what you want to say.
    Then either give him the letter or read it out to him, or if you still can't face it and you destroy it, the process will still help to calm your thoughts & settle your mind.
    Debt Free as of 17/01/2009 Turtle Power!!

    EF Challenger #3 £1543.72 / £5000
    MFW 2024 #100 £1300.00 / £10,000

    MFiT #40 Jan 2025 Target - £99,999.00
    Mortgage at 30/09/22 £113,694.11 | Mortgage at 24/01/23 £110,707.87
    Mortgage at 21/04/23 £107,701.01 | Mortgage at 20/07/23 £106,979.65
    Mortgage at 04/10/23 £106,253.77 | Mortgage at 10/01/24 £105,324.57
    Mortgage at 01/04/24 £104,424.73 | Mortgage at 01/10/24 £103,594.98
  • Hi Littlesmurf. I am new here too, but know exactly what you are going through. I told my partner about my debts on Saturday. I really wish that I had come clean to him years ago. He has been nothing but supportive ever since, and he also places great store on honesty and is extremely prudent with his money.

    At least you have already started sorting yourself out. I am sure that this will help when you speak to him.

    I am not going to lie and say that it is easy. I have spent the last couple of days feeling terrible, and I still can't look my husband in the eye. But I am still glad that I have told him.

    It's onwards and upwards out of this mess for us all now.
    £365 in 365 days - £187/£365
    DMP Mutual Support Thread Member 343
    Debt Free Date January 2015 :eek:
  • i have got myself in a load of debt over the past few years. after burying my head in the sand , i finally took control and contacted the national debtline, i am now on a dmp and have made regular payments for 8 months. i'm still not sleeping . my husband knows nothing about this. he always gives me 100% support in everything i do, but he hates debt and lies, which me being in this mess means i have had to. i desperatly want to tell him but then i wonder if telling him will help, as i know he won't sleep either then :( Any advise , and is anyone else in the same situation

    Hi there littlesmurf....sending you big hugs :grouphug:

    I was in the same boat as you a few months back. My hubby took it really hard and I don't think he spoke to me for about 3 weeks....BUT, now he is so supportive and is just thankful that I told him :o I was so embarrassed by it all and didn't know where to turn. If anything, this whole debt thing has definitley brought us even closer together!! ;)

    Please don't worry too much, he obviously loves you for who you are and any problems that may arise I feel should be shared. One thing my hubby said to me (after he had calmed down, that is) " I still stand by my vows, especially the 'for richer, for poorer' "

    I wish you all the best.

    Licious xx
    1% at a time Member 220
    Debt 1 = £700 - 1% = £7.00 - 28% :j
    Debt 2 = £500 - 1% = £5.00 -33% :j
    Debt 3 = £1900 - 1% = £19.00 - 2%
    Debt 4 = £8000 :eek: - 1% = £80.00 - 0.5%
  • Hi Littlesmurf,

    I told my gf of 6 years 2 weeks ago that I owed more than 7k in unsecured debt i.e. credit cards, overdrafts etc.

    It was horrible but wow what a relief I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown before, but now I am back on track. Two heads are better then one, I'm sure once he has got over the initial shock you will be able to work out how you can pay the debt back and improve your relationship. Infact in my case it made us closer!

    Post back

    J
  • thanks for all the support . i am going to tell him. but don;t know if its better to get christms out of the way , as it will be miserable for eveyone if i do it now. I feel so low i'm crying as i write this , but i am going to take the plunge x
  • GeorgeUK
    GeorgeUK Posts: 7,737 Forumite
    I think it would be better to tell him sooner rather than later. Especially if you have any joint accounts or debts as his credit rating may also be affected.
    After falling off the gambling wagon (twice): £33,600 (24,000+ 9,600) - Original CC Debt: £7,885.91

    Dad Gift 6k ¦ Savings & Inv Tst: £2,500
    Loan 10k: £0 ¦ Dad 5.5k: £2,270 ¦ LTSB: £0 ¦ RBS: £0 ¦ Virgin £0 ¦ Egg £0

    Total Owed: £2,270 (+6k) 11/08/2011
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