telling a partner about my debt

SilverSaver_2

Hi Littlesmurf,

Well done so far in sorting out your problems. I have been in a similar position myself over the past 5 years or so and although I have been able to make payments on all my debts (got a fair/good credit score too) I still owe thousands. I have worried about this for years with sleepless nights etc., could not tell my husband and probably worried more about him finding out than worrying about my debts!!!

Two weeks ago he found one of my cc statements and immediately questioned me about this. I was so stressed I admitted to everything and could not believe how understanding he was about the whole situation. Yes, there were questions as to why I allowed the situation to get so far without speaking to him but after being extremely upset initially I felt so very much better with it all out in the open and now we have a plan of action between us.

Fortunately, I will be receiving my lump sum pension next June and will be able to pay off my debts with some of that and then be able to begin to save for the first time in years.

Good Luck to you!

iwillgetoutofdebt

:grouphug: Littlesmurf. This time last week I was sat writing email after email to my husband, but never sent any of them. I did keep one as word document, but in the end I had to tell him to his face (I figured that would get it over and done with, rather than waiting for him to come home). I offered to show it to him after my confession, but he didn't want to see it.

The weekend was just horrid. He was very quiet, and I was so racked with guilt, that I just couldn't face him (he would come into the room, and I would leave, or make sure one of the kids were there at all times).

Since last night I am starting to feel better though, and today was the first day that I can remember in a long time, that I didn't have waves of panic washing over me. I can feel the tension easing, and am much less of a shouty mummy than I was before.

If I were you, I would tell him before Christmas. It's still three weeks away, and I bet that any dust will have settled by then (although I am personally not expecting any presents from hubbie this year ).

My husband used to make scathing comments about people getting themselves into debt, which just added to my feelings of worthlessness. Speaking to my FiL last night though really brought home to me that we are not alone, and even middle-class "John Lewis shoppers" like us can get themselves up the financial s**t-creek. It doesn't make us bad people. Yes we have been stupid, but there are 1001 worse things that we could have done that got carried away with our credit cards.

Sorry, that turned into a real ramble, but I just wanted to let you know that I am thinking about you, and am here to hold your hand through this.

milliemonster

Hi littlesmurf (love the name by the way!) I really hope you can find the strength to tell your hubby, as hard as it must be for you, after the initial shock and no matter how he reacts, you will feel better for getting it out in the open between you.

Remember the 'for better for worse' and 'for richer for poorer' vows you both took? life isn't all about the good times (I wish it was!) and you are not the only person to get into debt, just look at the number of posts on this board!

Take that first step hun and you will feel better, we'll all help you xxx

littlesmurf

your situation sounds very much like mine. I am horrible and shouty all the time, i think you may all be right. i am going to get the weekend out of the way as my hubby as a party to go to and i don;t want to ruin it and i want to tell him next week. i only hope i can find the courage

iwillgetoutofdebt

I went through every scenario in my head trying to figure out what would be the worst that could happen.

I knew that he wouldn't bump me off to get the life insurance , but I was worried he would tell me to get out. I had a bag packed and in the boot of my car just in case. In the end, I gulped down a couple of glasses of wine, and just blurted it out. I just had got to the point where I needed to tell him, whatever the outcome, because it wasn't fair on any of the family for me to carry on as I was (I am talking emotionally as well as financially).

Good luck. It will be one of the hardest things that you ever do, but it'll be over and done with before you know it. He is probably wondering what is up with you anyway, and debt will probably be not nearly as bad as what he is imagining.

littlesmurf

i know that feeling, i feel like i am treading water and not getting anywhere.my daughter seems to get the brunt and i feel like i am picking on her for the smallest thing, my hubby can;t understand why i can;t cope with things at the moment and i seem to blow up at the smallest problem

Butti

Big hugs to you Little Smurf.

Well done for starting to sort the situation. I agree you need to tell hubby before Christmas. That way you will be able to relax a little bit, he will be able to support and your daughter will be able to have a nice Christmas. You will also be able to involve him in planning for Christmas.

My cousin was telling me the other day about a Christmas she had had when her 3 boys were small and money was super tight. She knitted them dolls in Action Man gear. When she asked them about their best Christmas they had said that one. All they remembered was strapping them to the washing line by their wrists and smashing them into each other.


B

putty71

littlesmurf wrote: »

your situation sounds very much like mine. I am horrible and shouty all the time, i think you may all be right. i am going to get the weekend out of the way as my hubby as a party to go to and i don;t want to ruin it and i want to tell him next week. i only hope i can find the courage

Hi Little smurf

I'll buck the trend here- I didn't tell my wife about my debt for ages. It was horrible keeping it from her, but I felt as though I was letting her down. We have 3 children and after the twins were born she couldn't work and nor did I expect her to. I have a good job the trouble is we carried on living the life e had before twins. I'd shufle a card here, clear a few with a loan the got a secured loan and thought now we will be okay. It wasn't and remember pride does come before a fall.
Eventually with the phone calls etc, she asked the question and I answered. I haven't fully revealed the level if debt I have, but I promised to do something about it and with the help of this site I am.
Today first plus have agreed to refund us, Bcard refunded me 3k in ppi and I have several other letters circulating at the moment questioning enforceability and claims for ppi and charges.
I feel more confident that I can address the situation, not fully but hopefully by clearing most of the debt, i can be more careful from now on. The wife understands that we now have to be careful and is doing her part.
I am not going to let it spoil xmas for the kids, but they will get less, but this is our fault for trying to give them everything in the past.

So keep chatting to all on here for support and when the time is right, break the news to him.

How much is it you owe and have you looked at ways of claiming?

Good luck, don't panic. My debt is 30 k, going down slowly but there are people far worse off. Money doesn't buy happieness , only misery!

putty71

Just another thing Littlesmurf

As I'm a man don't think this is any easier for me. From July whilst I have been sorting this it has been horrible, not being able to treat the kids. And today the mortgage company rang and told the wife octobers payment had been missed. I rang them while she was there and most people will listen, they were very helpful and hopefully the wife will relax tonight.

penelopedee_2

Hi Littlesmurf, wanted to send hugs and just let you know - I've been the partner of someone who has big debts and was terrified of telling me. I was mortified that it took them so long. I just wanted to hug them and help get them back on track, even though I was probably a little shirty for a couple of days! So please don't panic. All I asked is that they go through all their post, only spend what they need to and to make a plan to pay it back. You are already doing that so you are halfway there. Hope this is of help. P x.