Daughter pregnant, advise on how to handle her dad

Lunar_Eclipse

carlsberggal wrote: »

Just wondering what your advice would be. DD2 age 18 is pregnant and leaving uni (only started in September) and coming back home to me, DH and DD1. We are going up to her Dad’s tomorrow to discuss with him and girlfriend how to proceed and help her all we can. It’s come as a bit of a shock as you can imagine! Now what I want to say to them is that they should help when baby comes more often than “we’ll baby sit every now and then” like XH said to me last week when I saw him. Do you think this is fair of me? I don’t want DD2 to think we don’t want her either, so to my mind it’s a tricky one. But I think all of us will need a break and would do her Dad and girlfriend good to bond more with the baby. So how do I proceed? Sorry the post is a bit garbled! Many thanks in anticipation.

Wow, congratulations. It may not be expected and (if you're totally honest) you might feel a bit disappointed as well as shocked, but this really could be the best thing to happen to your daughter. But for starters, I am assuming she has had her first scan, otherwise all this is jumping the gun. I'm getting vibes that this could well be the case from your message, so apologies if this is incorrect.

I'm not sure how much talking you have done to your DD and her boyfriend regarding all their options. I can only assume from your message that she is not in a serious relationship because you don't mention them living together having now started their family. My Mum was 18 when she fell pregnant with me. She married my Dad at 3 months pregnant and they remain in a very happy loving marriage 39 years later. I'm not sure coming home is the best option personally, although I know it might feel like the right thing to do initially. However, this pregnancy is a clear sign that your daughter has suddenly taken a leap in growing up and may want or need encouragement to stand on her own two feet and be independent (but supported).

My thoughts are that this isn't really about you, your ex and your DD, but about how your daughter wants to raise this child (see your text in bold). For starters, have you discussed her staying at university? If she is in the very early stages of pregnancy, she doesn't necessarily need to leave. What is she going to do at home?

I get the feeling more talking needs to take place before she leaves university and not after, because she may decide to stay, or move in with her boyfriend, or something else entirely.

Don't rush any changes is my advice. And try not to worry about your ex's relationship with the unborn child.

But maybe you've done all of this and are at the stage of thinking about your ex getting involved in your grandchild's life. In that case I think you can only communicate how you would ideally like to see things unfold.

cakeordeath_2

paddy's_mum wrote: »

At what point in the life of one's child do you stop being a mother and working your socks off for their benefit, if they so clearly need your help?

Is 18 really grown up, whatever the youngsters (and the politicians who changed the law) think? What mistakes did you make when that young?

Wait your time, OP. One distant day, she'll recognise how lucky she has been to have supportive parents. I wish you joy in this unexpected but surely wonderful grandchild soon to come.

You never stop being a mother. You are there to pick them up when they fall and stand them back on their feet....not carry them.

Ruby_Moon

carlsberggal wrote: »

They know the news, they are close with her normally, just seem to think that we will handle it all. Which we will if we have to, but they will lose out in my opinion on bonding and DD2 may come to resent the fact as well.

I think you should stay away. Its not your business really how much involvement they have with baby or daughter.
If you want to bend over backwards offering help, thats up to you but it doesn't mean everyone else has to.
It should really be your daughter "handling it all", not you.

tandraig

first of all may i say - congratulations to you and your dd - babies are born for a reason and they are a blessing (and grandchildren are your reward for raising your own children)!

secondly - as a grandmother if dd is going to live with you - are you going to be principal childminder? if so, that does give you more of a say in the babies life than if dd had her own place and childminding arrangements. but hun, you will have to be very tactful here - a bit of encouragement when baby arrives will probably have more effect than nagging exOH during the pregnancy (and i know many men who seem to think pregnancy and babies have no connection! but when baby arrives fall in love. and even more older men who were carp as dads but make great grand-dads.
my advice - dont worry about it for now - just make sure that exOH gets visits from the baby - especially if you are minding him/her!

Poppy9

OP, I hope you haven't been scared off by some blunt comments. I'm sure all mothers feel the same instinct to continue to mother their children but sometimes you need someone to remind you that you have to step back and let them take responsibility for the consequences of their actions and I'm sure with you in the background she'll rise to the challenge beautifully.

viktory

tandraig wrote: »

babies are born for a reason

:rotfl::rotfl::rotfl::rotfl::rotfl:Generally because the parents did not use contraception!

MrsTinks

I have to say I hope this scenario never happens to me with my daughter but if it did then my responce would be "I love you, I'll help you, I'll even babysit from time to time if you need an evening out - but this is YOUR life, not mine and whilst I'll advise you I will not solve your problems for you!" and then I would look at what housing etc she might qualify for and help her get her own place and a job of some sort. Obviously also start the ball rolling about the dad.
I wouldn't even contemplate getting involved in telling her dad what relationship he "should" have with the child or his potential role in it's life! It's not him that has chosen to have another child and nor yours - it's her child and her job to bring it up. Help her and support her - but don't do the job for her!

penguin83

Hi Carlsberg, just wanted to give you my experiences although it may not help!

I fell pregnant at 18, found out at the same time I got my A Level results. It did not go down well with my parents initially (not that I blame them!). I was still living at home and mum and dad were working full time. After they got over the shock they said they would support me but made it very clear that this was my baby and not theirs. It sounds harsh but it was what I needed, I was immature myself and if they had been there to take the baby whenever I wanted I would have let them.

Anyways, I moved in with OH, increased my hours at my supermarket job to full time and had my daughter. I then got a better job, bought a house, had my son at 20 and landed a few promotions. I am now 26 - my children are (nearly) 7 and 5 and I am studying for my law degree and working full time.

In a completely garbled and long winded way(!) what I am trying to say is be there for her, be supportive but let her stand on her own two feet, it may feel like you are being harsh but she will manage.

I just realised that what I have said has nothing to do with your question sorry!

x x x x x

tandraig

viktory wrote: »

:rotfl::rotfl::rotfl::rotfl::rotfl:Generally because the parents did not use contraception!

or - as happened to my own daughter - the pill failed! just those one in a hundred things!

carlsberggal

tandraig - pill failed for mine too! Thank you for your post.
For the record, I would never let my daughter down, she has made her decision and we still stand by her as cakeordeath said; you never stop being a mum and wanting (unrealistic I know) for everything to be rosey and easy for them.