Daughter pregnant, advise on how to handle her dad

esmerelda98

Carlsberggal, don't be disheartened. I think it is entirely reasonable for you to guide your daughter through this, as long as she takes responsibility for her child and does not get in the habit of leaving you the difficult jobs, or expecting you to bring the child up while she gets on with having fun. Yes, the father should be involved, but taking the attitude of 'Leave the parents to sort it out' may well just backfire. Too many men find it too easy to walk away from their children, perhaps because many have done it before them. I would not take the chance and would try (TACTFULLY) to guide the father too. It is not unreasonable to call on your daughter's father for help. (Must post now or this post will disappear)

Kavanne

OK re: university. Can your daughter finish this year? If she can, she could take a year out and i am sure her uni would let her go back into 2nd year after this.... What is she going to do if she leaves?

I would strongly recommend she tries to stay on at uni to finish this year and then after that she at least has one year behind her and can take a year out to decide what she'd like to do.

smartie12

Wait until baby is here before you start worrying about such things;)
In fact don't worry... it's not your problem. It'll be up to DD to sort out relationships with her baby, who babysits etc etc.

esmerelda98

Carlsberggal, we do not know the grandfather (to be) in question, only you do. You may well know that left to his own devices he will stay well away, but with encouragement he will get involved. Go with your instincts. I'll just make one last point. In my culture, parents see their job as having been done when they have put their children through higher education, or in some other way equipped them to be self-sufficient, not at an arbitrary cut-off point like 18. Perhaps as your daughter has only just started university you have still been mothering her the way you would mother a child under your care. I think people who come from families where you start earning at 16 or 18 often will often have a different viewpoint.

NAR

carlsberggal, you and XH need to find the balance between supporting/making things easy for her and having her and bf realise the responsibility they now/will have as parents.

Heath84

Kavanne wrote: »

OK re: university. Can your daughter finish this year? If she can, she could take a year out and i am sure her uni would let her go back into 2nd year after this.... What is she going to do if she leaves?

I would strongly recommend she tries to stay on at uni to finish this year and then after that she at least has one year behind her and can take a year out to decide what she'd like to do.

I was just going to suggest this, even if she goes back in two years time she may be able to go back into 2nd year, or at least if she has to start again may get some credits counted. She needs to talk to the uni about it.

peachyprice

Is this not a conversation you should be having with the parents of the baby's father?

mrcow

She's an adult.
She can take care of her own baby.

You're a grandparent and hence need to back off. It's not your baby, or your decision to tell anyone what you think they should or shouldn't be doing.

paddy's_mum

At what point in the life of one's child do you stop being a mother and working your socks off for their benefit, if they so clearly need your help?

Is 18 really grown up, whatever the youngsters (and the politicians who changed the law) think? What mistakes did you make when that young?

Wait your time, OP. One distant day, she'll recognise how lucky she has been to have supportive parents. I wish you joy in this unexpected but surely wonderful grandchild soon to come.

Marcheline

Peachyprice makes a good point about speaking to your daughter's boyfriend's parents. In my situation (found out I was pregnant during my finals, boyfriend was still a student) my parents, boyfriend, his parents and I met up for dinner after my graduation. We didn't really discuss the baby as such, my parents and his just got to know each other, as they hadn't met previously. Mind you, I was 21 and quite emotionally mature for my age, so I didn't really expect my parents and his to be sorting out arrangements for the baby. It always helps to keep everyone involved though and both sides of our families, including both sets of grandparents AND remaining great grandparents are fully involved in our daughter's life.

I moved back to my parents after graduating and my boyfriend continued his education 300 miles away for another 2 years, while i worked. He came to visit when he could, but he was also working part time, which made visiting more difficult. I wasn't entirely happy with infrequent vistis, but I felt it was more important for him to get his degree. Now he has graduated, we live with his parents and I am a stay at home mum while he works.

I also had a friend who fell pregnant in her 2nd year, she took a year out and then carried on, as she put her baby in nursery. It might be something your daughter could take up with the university (deferring for a while)?