Daughter pregnant, advise on how to handle her dad

esmerelda98

cakeordeath wrote: »

You never stop being a mother. You are there to pick them up when they fall and stand them back on their feet....not carry them.

These are not the only two alternatives you know. I think many people would agree that the job of a parent is to guide their child, try to show them a better way of doing things rather than waiting till things are going badly wrong. Sometimes the damage done just cannot be undone.

On another note, I find it quite odd how British children are quite mollycoddled, (mostly) expected to do little in the way of chores and are lavished with presents, even in the poorest of homes. Come 16, or if they're lucky, 18, it's, 'You're an adult now, stand on your own feet.' Perhaps if the State was not so ready to pick up the pieces when things go wrong attitudes would be different?

tandraig

I get what you mean esmerelda - but in this case - dont think it applies. my daughter was on pill - was on track with career - then got pregnant! it happens - pill is 99% effective. that means that 1% will get pregnant while trying not to!
i firmly believe these babies were meant to be born come hell or high water! for a reason. what will be will be.
your dd hun has decided to have the baby - good for her. and good for you for standing by her and helping her.
the uni will be used to helping girls in her situation - what do they say? can she continue studies? its possible you know - especially if you can help.
keep posting - will think of you - its hard i know when plans are disrupted like this.

carlsberggal

taindraig - thank you my dear on your post. she can't finish the full year cos of when baby is due, well she could but it would be hard on her. In my eyes, she's forgetting about uni until she is more settled, but as you know; hormones abound so treading carefully! it's not the end of the world if she doesn't continue into further education in my mind, she's bright and will get on hopefully. I did'nt get to wear a mortar and cape until I was 40; didn't do me any harm

tandraig

its not the end of the world if education is disrupted! sometimes its the best thing that can happen!

carlsberggal - if she can finish the year - then it will be much easier on her to continue - otherwise - treat it as a gap year!

she can start over when she is ready

tandraig

I started open uni at 35 - have done several courses - but been sidetracked into reiki healing!
education is wonderful and all i have learned has been useful - but - sometimes its not your path.
am still learning my path - and havent finished my degree (at 55 - open uni too expensive) but loved my time with them. and have realised - all education isnt wasted - but take oportunities when they arise.

Oldernotwiser

carlsberggal wrote: »

it's not the end of the world if she doesn't continue into further education in my mind, she's bright and will get on hopefully. I did'nt get to wear a mortar and cape until I was 40; didn't do me any harm

Then why did she go to university in the first place?

This all seems to be becoming too much about how you feel about things, it seems to me.

Kavanne

carlsberggal wrote: »

taindraig - thank you my dear on your post. she can't finish the full year cos of when baby is due, well she could but it would be hard on her. In my eyes, she's forgetting about uni until she is more settled, but as you know; hormones abound so treading carefully! it's not the end of the world if she doesn't continue into further education in my mind, she's bright and will get on hopefully. I did'nt get to wear a mortar and cape until I was 40; didn't do me any harm

You need to put your mum hat on.

My parents would have flipped had I dropped out of uni just because I was pregnant.

It's not a reason to leave. Has she discussed with her tutor about them perhaps helping her find a place at a university closer to home? Or agreeing that she return to start again in, say, 2011?

Lunar_Eclipse

Kavanne wrote: »

You need to put your mum hat on.

My parents would have flipped had I dropped out of uni just because I was pregnant.

It's not a reason to leave. Has she discussed with her tutor about them perhaps helping her find a place at a university closer to home? Or agreeing that she return to start again in, say, 2011?

I agree with you Kavanne. Agreeing a return date is a brilliant idea IMO. Even if she decides not to return. She needs to know that life must go on, or rather that it can go on. Does she know that?

If this was my daughter I'd be trying to let her know that this is not the end of the world and she can still fulfil her dreams. It's one of those things that happen; it is not necessarily a reason to change one's planned course in life, such as leaving tertiary education without planning the alternative. To me that would be failing the child.

There appears to be disagreement about what supportive parents would do in this instance. Supportive, loving parents can say 'drop out, come home, we'll get through this unplanned baby together', without thinking beyond that. Or they could say 'okay, no-one planned this but people everyday are having babies, it's just a little bump in your road and we'll work around it. What do you want to do?'

Actually, why is she leaving? Does she not feel able to carry on? I met someone after graduating that had a child in their second year of university. She had the child and carried on using childcare when studying, just like she did when she got her job after graduating. The child lived with her in her student house. It's unusual, but happens.

HTH.

ETA - I thought Kavanne's idea about deferral was excellent. But now I'm wondering how much the option of her staying at uni has been explored?

carlsberggal

She says she wants to start again in 2011 to a uni near to us so she can stay at home. She has spoken at length to uni. We are going back down there next week so she can discuss with her tutor some more. As Lunar Eclipse says, it's not the end of her life, just a different path for now with the option after the baby is born to get back to studying to become the teacher she wants to be.

Mely

MrsTine wrote: »

I have to say I hope this scenario never happens to me with my daughter but if it did then my responce would be "I love you, I'll help you, I'll even babysit from time to time if you need an evening out - but this is YOUR life, not mine and whilst I'll advise you I will not solve your problems for you!" and then I would look at what housing etc she might qualify for and help her get her own place and a job of some sort. Obviously also start the ball rolling about the dad.
I wouldn't even contemplate getting involved in telling her dad what relationship he "should" have with the child or his potential role in it's life! It's not him that has chosen to have another child and nor yours - it's her child and her job to bring it up. Help her and support her - but don't do the job for her!

I would be exactly the same with my daughters. Your spot on!:T