Daughter pregnant, advise on how to handle her dad

carlsberggal

Just wondering what your advice would be. DD2 age 18 is pregnant and leaving uni (only started in September) and coming back home to me, DH and DD1. We are going up to her Dad’s tomorrow to discuss with him and girlfriend how to proceed and help her all we can. It’s come as a bit of a shock as you can imagine! Now what I want to say to them is that they should help when baby comes more often than “we’ll baby sit every now and then” like XH said to me last week when I saw him. Do you think this is fair of me? I don’t want DD2 to think we don’t want her either, so to my mind it’s a tricky one. But I think all of us will need a break and would do her Dad and girlfriend good to bond more with the baby. So how do I proceed? Sorry the post is a bit garbled! Many thanks in anticipation.

kegg_2

Sorry i cant see how you can.

All you can do is tell them the news and leave the rest to them. You cannot force them to get involved if they dont want to and it could end up causing more resentment.

carlsberggal

They know the news, they are close with her normally, just seem to think that we will handle it all. Which we will if we have to, but they will lose out in my opinion on bonding and DD2 may come to resent the fact as well.

Marcheline

Hi, if i were you I'd go up for the visit and then at a later date, call your ex (when your pregnant daughter is out) to say that you'd really appreciate him inviting your daughter up to his for a week or so every so often, to give you all a bit of a baby break etc.

If he is unwilling to do so, then I wouldn't mention anything about it to your daughter, as (like you say) she will feel like you are not supportive of her. I would also try to bite your lip after the visit tomorrow and not say anything along the lines of "well, I'd hoped he'd offer more help than that" to your daughter.

If you can make your daughter think it's her idea to get her dad more involved, then great, as she will be the one pushing him for visits etc. But, if I were you, I'd just be as supportive as you can to her, without trying to push your ex too much.

zzzLazyDaisy

I agree. Trying to encourage a reluctant ex to have contact with his own child is difficult enough, but insisting that a prospective grandfather and his new partner must pull their weight with his now adult daughter and her new baby - I don't think you can.

red_devil

tell him the news and let him go from there. You cant really tell people how they should act.

csh_2

No its not fair of you. Its your DD thats pregnant and its not for you to dictate to your XH how often he should babysit. You can't 'make him help' and why should he?
Its her baby, if you and she think shes old enough and mature enough to be a parent you shouldn't be planning on how to farm the child out.

carlsberggal

Thanks Marcheline - good advice.
He isn't a reluctant dad at all, he's very good to all our 3. Just he's carp at baby stuff, I know! He's even said it to me last week. It isn't a new partner, they have being seeing each other for over 2 years

Errata

This is going to be blunt and I may get slated for it.
If the girl is old enough to become pregnant, she's old enough to make arrangements with her father about care for her child herself. She's going to have to take responsibility for far more difficult things than that in the years to come.

Penny-Pincher!!

She is an adult...let her decide by herself.

merdoom

How well do you get on with xh now? Might be worth just having a few drinks (so you can be a bit more 'honest') and a sit down with him and his gf to talk, they may want to get more involved than you think but, dd2 may find it a bit of an intrusion.
Also they may not realise until the baby is here that they want to help more, hopefully they won't be able to resist baby's charms!!
A baby is exhausting to anyone, i don't think it sounds like you don't want them, just that you are being honest with your capabilities and that you will all need help.