Forgotton ?

Barny1979

kindofagilr wrote: »

I dont know what you mean? we bought the ring there and then

It was a joke. He's probably taken the ring back and got himself a PS3

kindofagilr

Barny1979 wrote: »

It was a joke. He's probably taken the ring back and got himself a PS3

LOL ... he did say he wanted one ...

Tete_en_l'Air

Hi Helena - don't know if you're reading still, but I think a lot of people have been pretty harsh with you. I know exactly what you mean about trying not to look greedy - but some men are old fashioned and like to treat their lady and when you've refused this he's probably a bit hurt and maybe offended, and will think 'won't do that again'. Some people take things at face value so trying to be polite is no good, just be grateful and show you appreciate it. I think you've left it a bit long now since your birthday and if you bring it up he may be mortified that you've been so bothered by it all this time. Draw a line under it and concentrate on Christmas - as others have said when passing the jeweller's.

AbFab

Hi, Helena

Hope you are ok.

I think what has upset you about this situation is not the monetary value of the gift, but the meaning you attach to him doing something nice and thoughtful. You think if he puts time and effort into buying you something he really thinks you like, it reflects how he feels about you, and right now, you need that affirmation. A cheap vase, though MSE, probably doesn't make you feel like he values you - and that's possibly because you already have underlying doubts about you and him.

From the other things you have said, I think you are needing this form of affirmation from him as to how he feels about you, and that it was not forthcoming has put extra doubt in your mind.

A few things to be aware of:

People show and give love and affection in different ways.
People appreciate being given love and affection in different ways.

In the main, as summarised by marriage counsellor and author Gary Chapman these come under:
- Gifts,
- Words of Affirmation,
- Quality of Time,
- Acts of Service, and
- Physical Touch.

It could be that your OH expresses how he feels to you in ways other than gifts. Or, it could be that due to your constant refusals to accept gifts he believes gifts aren't something that make you feel cherished/loved.
If they are, you need to speak up. If they aren't, and it's just external influences that have made you feel like you need/want this sparkly item, then focus on the other ways that he makes you happy.
And that's what you need to evaluate. Is he making you happy in other ways? If him looking at girls makes you feel insecure, you both need to address that.

Or it could be that he is a good MSE-er, and doesn't see the point in expensive vases. He may be saving all his money to secure a future away from mortgage repayments, with you.

On the other hand, it could be that he is just tight. You need to work out if this is the case, and if so, if you are happy to stay in a relationship where someone doesn't share their wealth with the love of their life.
He does have children, so you need to expect some money and time to go their way, but if you feel like he spends so much on himself, and very little on you, is that something you can be ok with?

I personally do not need or want gifts. We have enough stuff in the house, I have enough clothes, jewellery, toiletries, music, books, etc. We share everything, so if my husband were to buy me a gift, I'd effectively be paying for some of it as it would come from joint funds. Same as if we are going out to eat - doesn't matter who pays - it comes from the same pot. We are saving hard in an effort to be mortgage-free sooner rather than later and what would make me happier than a receiving a sparkly bracelet or an expensive vase and big bunch of flowers would be an earlier end to the mortgage.

I thrive on my husband prioritising me, telling me he loves me, cuddling me, coming to events he knows I love but possibly he doesn't love quite as much, and doing things around the home to make it cosy and work.

I understand your desire not to look like a gold-digger, but I do think that after two years he should know well enough what you are about, and you should be comfortable enough to let him treat you occasionally.
However, the fact that you are also bothered that he earns points for paying by credit card, eats more than you, yet the bill is still split 50/50 does bother me. Most men eat more than us women. I never begrudge my husband his extra portions, and if your comment was serious, I think you really do need to re-evaluate this relationship. It's very pernickety, and makes me feel like you don't see the end goal of being with this man forever. If you did, what does it matter who pays for what now? It sounds like you do view him as tight, and that you are doing more than your fair share.

Lots to think about, I know.
I hope you work things out one way or another, be it with him, or without.

helena4_2

Thankyou AbFab what a thoughtful reply to my post and very truthful also.

I will take it on board.

And yes you are right it was not the monetary value but the meaning I was looking for and I wont bring it up now yes 2 months is a long time and he may be horrified to learn that I was thinking about it all this time.
Thanks again

Zozo1985

He shouldn't have said he was going to get you something if he had no intentions of carrying it through. I would simply ask him in a joking manner but with seriousness behind it 'where ur bling is' lol.

If there has been a problem and he couldn't get you the jewellery for some reason he simply should have said something to you and not expected you to just forget about it.

I think some people have been harsh in there replys also and completly missed the point of the thread.

Men say one thing and do another thing lol BIG NO NO! stick to your word and if you can't dont just ignore it was ever said...Talk haha

squirrelchops

Clear instruction next time OP. The issue of Christmas gifts came up in our household just the other night. My OH doesn't like my glasses..(i do) anyway he asked how much a new pair would be including paying for thinner lenses as I have poor sight. I told him xxx amount so he said 'I'll get you some for Christmas if you like'.

My reply...'no thank you'......'I would like xyz instead please'!!! Simple, clear and easily understood. When he commented today that he didn't realise it was only 4 weeks to Xmas i said 'well you had better start thinking about presents and not on Xmas Eve like normal'.....again preparing him and making it clear I would like a nice thoughful pressie not a Tesco Extra dash!! Mind you anything he gets me is always lovely!!! But I would rather something I would like than something I won't use.

Kay_Peel

I find it puzzling that people are telling Helena that she ought to mean what she says and give clear instructions.

Surely, it's her boyfriend who should mean what he says.