Teenage son wants gf 2 stay the night.....

Knub

Just let your son smash her pastie and be done with it. My parents allowed GF's to stay over as and when I was 16, they were just happy I was out meeting girls and not glued to my computer up until that point!

If you are confident about your son being mature and handling sex and respecting everyone else in the house then there is no problem really, is there?

Tom1234

Oldernotwiser wrote: »

I don't think that parents condoning underage sex is an awfully clever idea, I'm afraid!

Well, whether they 'condone it' or not, it's still going to happen. Obviously as a parent you'd never encourage it, but making sure that they feel they can trust you and come to you if there are any problems, or anything they need to discuss should be far more important than lecturing them it shouldn't be happening.

They know it shouldn't, and as long as you've made them aware of the potential legal ramifications of that, the decision lies in their hands as to whether or not to proceed with it. these are 15 year olds we're talking about, not 5 year olds.

I'll put it bluntly, as some on here clearly aren't getting what I'm saying.

If they want to do it that badly, you won't be able to stop them.

This has gone a bit off topic, apologies.

@OP - Nice one, I think you've done the right thing in offering options and explaining your reasoning to your Son

Kandipandi

Tom1234 wrote: »

Mutual respect and compromise always come into it. This isn't the 60s.

You want your teenagers respect? Then you earn it by discussing issues with them in an adult fashion. You don't turn round and go 'no - because I say so'.

That may get the result you want, however, as in this case, it's resulted in the OPs DS just going and staying at his GFs house where she presumably is treated with a respect a young adult deserves.

I'm not disparaging your efforts to raise 4 boys - however I think like a lot of posters on here you're focusing on the fact that you don't want them staying because you feel they aren't capable of making that desicion regarding sex on their own and want to put barriers in the way.

If he wanted his girlfriend over at 14 it would be a slightly differnt story, as there are legal implications to consider there - and you know it.

In all honesty, I'm very glad my parents took a mature and adult approach and discussed the options and repercussions with me when I was that age, as it's helped me build a strong relationship with them now, even though I wasn't close with either before then. I can now talk comfortably with both of them regarding my relationships and ask their advice. If you take the 'No, because I say so' approach you run the risk of your DS doing like the OPs and just avoiding the subject with you.

When your child is at the stage of their development when they probably need your advice and guidance the most, do you really think pushing them away is the right option to take?

I think you may have not read my posts correctly - Im pretty sure I said that after the discussions and explanations its ok to say no!
I have seen the situation many times where parents 'give in' to their children against their better judgement, in the thought that they are being a friend to the child or to save any hassle at the time. This has been proven to be very counterproductive.

The OP obviously felt that she wanted to say no and was concerned enough about it to post on here and ask total strangers to comment on her situation, which we did, and I feel that she knows what is best for her child and should not feel bad about saying no.

I did not at any point mention sex - I was going down the line that its the OP's decision to say no, whoever he had invited to stay - girl, boy or stray dog, and for whatever reason she chooses to (the other DS who shares a room, or just that there will not be enough loo roll to last till payday if someone else stays ~ i'm being flippant..).

Just because my opinion is not the same as yours does not make mine wrong - just different .

Chuzzle

Kandipandi wrote: »

(the other DS who shares a room, or just that there will not be enough loo roll to last till payday if someone else stays ~ i'm being flippant..).

Oooh Kandipandi I will have to remember the loo roll one that could be a fantastic excuse :rotfl:"she can only come round if she brings her own loo roll" my son would probly phsl at the idea of telling her! I love it though

BitterAndTwisted

Parents who want to be their children's "friend" aren't parenting properly in my opinion. Sometimes the grown-ups have to be in charge and sometime their decisions aren't always going to be popular but then, since when was being a parent a popularity contest?

Oldernotwiser

Tom1234 wrote: »

Well, whether they 'condone it' or not, it's still going to happen. Obviously as a parent you'd never encourage it, but making sure that they feel they can trust you and come to you if there are any problems, or anything they need to discuss should be far more important than lecturing them it shouldn't be happening.
)

So should parents be open to their children coming to discuss the bit of shoplifting they've been doing, just because they'll do it anyway?

I would rather my child obeyed the law than came to talk to me about how they've broken it!

pulliptears

Oldernotwiser wrote: »

So should parents be open to their children coming to discuss the bit of shoplifting they've been doing, just because they'll do it anyway?

I would rather my child obeyed the law than came to talk to me about how they've broken it!

A rather weird comparison as sex is a natural part of life and shoplifting blatantly isn't.

Telling a teenager they can not have sex just will not work. Discussing options with them and offering advice and guidance whilst recommending they don't often does work.

Personally, I'd rather my children were to have sex in their own homes with access to contraception and advice on sexual health rather than in a quick unprotected fumble in a bush in some park somewhere.

Tom1234

Oldernotwiser wrote: »

So should parents be open to their children coming to discuss the bit of shoplifting they've been doing, just because they'll do it anyway?

I would rather my child obeyed the law than came to talk to me about how they've broken it!

I don't think anyone would disagree with you. However shoplifting, and underage sex are very different things in the mind of a 15 year old.

In addition one is morally wrong (theft), and one is legally wrong (underage sex between two consenting teens). As a parent you have a duty to ensure you're providing a good moral basis for your child to work from, and you also have a duty to provide a safe and secure enviroment for them to grow up and develop. I can't see balancing these needs being as simple as you make out.

I can't talk from the viewpoint of a parent, as I'm not one. I can only talk from the perspective of someone who remembers being 16 not so very long ago

I shoplifted once too, and my parents sat me down and explained the consequences to the shopkeeper, and to myself if i got caught. I was told to return the items and never did it again. They didn't browbeat me into not doing it, I stopped because I understood it was the right thing to do.

Discussion, and explaination are far better tools to use with a well behaved and relatively sensible (as the OPs appears to be) teenager than giving them something to rebel against. Do you not agree?

BitterAndTwisted

Of course discussion and explanation are better but as far as I can see an awful lot of teenagers' debating skills are often lacking, defective or absent. As would be expected with young peeps with limited life-experience. In which case I'd make my point and then tell the teenagers that what I'd decided what what was going to happens. Full stop.

nickyhutch

Kandipandi wrote: »

Mutual respect and compromise do not come into it when a decision has to be made that a child/young adult is not capable of making, and that is in their best interest.
If he had wanted his girlfriend to stop over at the age of 14 - would that be ok with you? Or would you put your foot down?
Would you chat to him about it and try to come to a compromise, what if the next issue was about alcohol or drugs, how do we deal with that - mutual respect and compromise?

It will not do any harm to discuss it with him and explain your reasoning, but when it gets to the argument stage, thats when you can pull rank as the care giver and parent and say No, and if they have any respect for you as the person who only wants the very best for them, they will accept that.
Just my oh so humble opinion as a mother of 4 boys.

A young person is not capable of making a decision at 16? They can get married, for goodness sake.

There's really no need for that sarcastic last sentence. No, at 14 I wouldn't allow it. I didn't say I would allow it at 16, either - it would all depend on the circumstances. If you read my posts, I would ring girlfriend's dad, and if he was in agreement, let her stay on a blow-up/fold down bed. In this case, they've not been going out very long, and I'd not be happy about them deciding to have sex so soon (not that I think this pair have decided that). Just my humble opinion, as a parent of 1 son, and a person who works in this area with young people.

The respect and compromise I'm talking about doesn't mean giving in to every request, just listening to feelings and opinions and explaining your own opinions and decisions.